Help me please help me

B

Bestforme

Fapstronaut
Growing up i was sexually used. And ive had gay tendencies since then. It got worse with porn
My ex would penetrate me an it got old she left me for someone better not all fucked up in the head like I am.
I then went 3 years no sex single MO every day multiple times to females with strap ons then transwomen then gay then big black cock and so on. Ive acted out a few times on craigslist i hate my self. I get depresed as fuck after. But during it its amazing. Writing this im getting hard thinking about the past times i got penetrated by transwomen an guys off cl. Ima mess. Im clean an all but not mentally. My heads a sick sick mess an im sick an tired of this. I had a gf recently broke up. We were having lots of sex for a year an i was having the hardest time orgasming and would have to think about being pentrated by black dick an gay stuff an transwomen. It makes me depresed an feel so emasculated and a fucking faggot loser who's wasted so much time on porn an got no where in life. Everyday i say i wanna die after i masterbate to gay transwoman porn then i keep going 10 times ina day . its bad. I need help. I want a regular life with hot girlfriend hot wife beautiful kids. I dont want to be the way i am an have kids knowing what i do to myself.i just want a normal life.The guilt I have gathered over the last 5years is unbearable and is having effects on my health and relationships. I have prayed to God so many times to take it away from me . Ive obsessed over understanding if I'm a closeted gay or just have a weird fetish that was instilled from a disfunctional hyperreligeous youth. The fact that I am attracted to many woman and that when I have had times of freedom from PM I have been able to be satisfied by my woman makes me feel I'm straight which is really what I want.
P and sexual abuse as kid fucked me uo bad.
I dont wanna do this anymore. Ive tryed to abstain my self but relapse everytime.
Im on every dating site trying to like woman an get laid by real woman. And i still go back to gay transwoman porn etc. Help me...
 
Last edited:
The first step was taken that is to know you're addicted, accept the fact and do something about it. Here you will find support, no matter the kind of porn. Maybe you should consider a professional too, you have a heavy burden on your shoulders. Go around, see "Success Stories" forum, get some inspiration. You're not the only one and you're NOT ALONE.

It's just the beginning. Stay strong, focus and you'll get out of this situation. You can and you will.

Peace.
 
"Growing up i was sexually used. And ive had gay tendencies since then."

I really can't say 100% what would be the solutions for this because I have never experienced this. However I can give you a few suggestions:

What I would also do is start observing how you feel, why do you fap and do porn? Is it because you feel weak? Feel the need for power? What is it? Find out what your think about yourself.

If you find it then you will have found your negative belief. People who have been used in their childhood, most of the time have a very strong negative belief. This means that they feel really worthless or weak (it could be something different for you.) Your negative belief is a identity that you created for yourself. A simple protection that you learned as a child. Which was if I reject myself, nobody else can. If you can find this you can overwin this addiction.

Now if you found your negative belief there is an exercise you need to do and it is saying that negative belief out loud to yourself in the mirror for exmaple "I'm worthless" this may sound strange but it will give a strange feeling.

It will sound fake. You see, if you would be worthless there would nothing to do about just simply accept it. So you have to see that you are not worthless by doing this exercise.

Next when you did this you have to let go of identity by not identifing your thoughts. Your thoughts can say total bullshit. And if you belief them you will think they are you. So maybe that gay or transwoman fetish is not even you. It are just your thoughts.

Next you have to start observing your thoughts. You do this by meditation, simply letting them come, not rejecting them and letting them pass. This way you will realize that you are not your thoughts.

Also if you observe your thoughts you will start to notice that there is a voice that says "You are worthless." or something else. This is your inner citic / negative belief. The thing you created to protect you from rejection.

You have 3 options to deal with this voice.

  1. Fight against (Not so effective, but good to start) This is what most people do on nofap. They fight against the voice, wich makes it only stronger. But it is effective in the beginning.

  2. Make the voice your friend. You can do this by journaling with your inner critic, just like you would talk to a friend who has problems. You will start to notice that your inner cirtic is your friend.
    A good book about this is "Hal Stone - Inner critic" Altough I advice to take this book in question. Not everything is true. Also the book "Self-Esteem - Matthew McKay" and "Lousise Hay - You can Heal your Life" are very good and practical.

  3. Stop listening to the voice: This is most of the time practiced in buddhism realizing that your are not your voice and that you are the natural state. (Enlightment) This is something wich works on long term. Is not realised in one day. But you can achieve it through meditation.
However if I would talk about that for longer it would take me another day to explain. So do some research. But I would start with option 1 and 2.

Next try to link pain to watching porn and fapping: Try to write every negative concequence that porn and fapping does to you. So that the pain becomes stronger. How? I have made a video about it, so if you want it feel free to send me a pm.

Next link positive emotions to being clean. Keep goals, reward yourself when you get something.

And about your sexuality, don't worry about it, it will turn back to normal, just it give time and commit yourself to nofap for now. First heal yourself.

And during the process be kind to yourself, love yourself, and read more about self-development. It will be an intresting journey.

Good luck my friend, hope this helped in some way.

Keep up the good work!

Thomas

(Btw there is a lot more that you could do, but I'm still thinking how I can explain everything and still testing a lot out of what I have learned. I will have more for you in a month or something. Enjoy your day!)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Bestforme said:
Ive tryed to abstain my self but relapse everytime.
Click to expand...

I've learned so much of just trying to abstain and relapsing- for a year now. I've fixed my sleeping cycle, I've gotten out of strange fetishes, I've found out a job, I've repaired some of my issues I had with all and everyone.

You learn everytime and you get better everytime you fail. If you want out, don't give in, search a new way to overcome this, and fix earlier problems you had. There is always some underlining issue when you relapse. I for example know that alcohol will make me relapse. Now I'm quitting it, and hopefully that is the last of problems. But I don't truly know, until I relapse or finally get out. Your brain needs to be at peak condition for you to succeed, and by trying more and more your brain trains more and more.

This is marathon, and you have to learn jump over the rocks that would normally make you fall. Keep on going! Even if whole life is spent searching for the perfect flower, life wouldn't be waisted:D
 
@Bestforme aye bro you are not gay or bisexual. I let this gay dude blow me due to porn because I couldnt find no women in my area that were down. I put myself in that siutation because I was depressed for 3 days after me and my girlfriend broke up. Porn addiction leads you to do crazy stuff. Deep down inside you know what you want which is a wife and family. Then go on and get it. Fight your addiction. If you say you are straight then you are straight period.
 
I think you have developed HOCD for doing that. A lot of straight guys develop HOCD for watching porn that goes against their sexual orientation like me. My porn addiction is 98% straight and lesbian. The 2% percent is straight people dominating gay people and transwomen for wanting to act like a girl. Like if you want to act like a girl i will treat you like one. I know why I got into porn addiction. I always wanted to be seen as a man. I always wanted to fit in and be liked. I felt left out in my family because my twin got all the glory. I was an envious brat who wanted all the attention and I never got it in school either so I turned to porn. @Bestforme
 
ThomasV said:
"Growing up i was sexually used. And ive had gay tendencies since then."

I really can't say 100% what would be the solutions for this because I have never experienced this. However I can give you a few suggestions:

What I would also do is start observing how you feel, why do you fap and do porn? Is it because you feel weak? Feel the need for power? What is it? Find out what your think about yourself.

If you find it then you will have found your negative belief. People who have been used in their childhood, most of the time have a very strong negative belief. This means that they feel really worthless or weak (it could be something different for you.) Your negative belief is a identity that you created for yourself. A simple protection that you learned as a child. Which was if I reject myself, nobody else can. If you can find this you can overwin this addiction.

Now if you found your negative belief there is an exercise you need to do and it is saying that negative belief out loud to yourself in the mirror for exmaple "I'm worthless" this may sound strange but it will give a strange feeling.

It will sound fake. You see, if you would be worthless there would nothing to do about just simply accept it. So you have to see that you are not worthless by doing this exercise.

Next when you did this you have to let go of identity by not identifing your thoughts. Your thoughts can say total bullshit. And if you belief them you will think they are you. So maybe that gay or transwoman fetish is not even you. It are just your thoughts.

Next you have to start observing your thoughts. You do this by meditation, simply letting them come, not rejecting them and letting them pass. This way you will realize that you are not your thoughts.

Also if you observe your thoughts you will start to notice that there is a voice that says "You are worthless." or something else. This is your inner citic / negative belief. The thing you created to protect you from rejection.

You have 3 options to deal with this voice.

  1. Fight against (Not so effective, but good to start) This is what most people do on nofap. They fight against the voice, wich makes it only stronger. But it is effective in the beginning.

  2. Make the voice your friend. You can do this by journaling with your inner critic, just like you would talk to a friend who has problems. You will start to notice that your inner cirtic is your friend.
    A good book about this is "Hal Stone - Inner critic" Altough I advice to take this book in question. Not everything is true. Also the book "Self-Esteem - Matthew McKay" and "Lousise Hay - You can Heal your Life" are very good and practical.

  3. Stop listening to the voice: This is most of the time practiced in buddhism realizing that your are not your voice and that you are the natural state. (Enlightment) This is something wich works on long term. Is not realised in one day. But you can achieve it through meditation.
However if I would talk about that for longer it would take me another day to explain. So do some research. But I would start with option 1 and 2.

Next try to link pain to watching porn and fapping: Try to write every negative concequence that porn and fapping does to you. So that the pain becomes stronger. How? I have made a video about it, so if you want it feel free to send me a pm.

Next link positive emotions to being clean. Keep goals, reward yourself when you get something.

And about your sexuality, don't worry about it, it will turn back to normal, just it give time and commit yourself to nofap for now. First heal yourself.

And during the process be kind to yourself, love yourself, and read more about self-development. It will be an intresting journey.

Good luck my friend, hope this helped in some way.

Keep up the good work!

Thomas

(Btw there is a lot more that you could do, but I'm still thinking how I can explain everything and still testing a lot out of what I have learned. I will have more for you in a month or something. Enjoy your day!)
Click to expand...
Wow brother if i only i studied more and not fapped id be able to really understand what im reading. Another reason im so depressed. I feel its come from boredom an pot smoking making me lazy an fap being there when im laying down stoned. Ive done dmt anf mushrooms an feel thats what helped me better identify my issue an seek for help wanting to be normal an not have the odd thoughts im having. Fapping gets me off an i feel weak an unmanly after. An therefore get deeper into dirty nasty p an thoughts. Its a devils disease and im gonna get tracion and take control. You sir have given me info that i really appreciate and i am gonna look into more of the things you have mentioned. Also if you could send me the video id like to change my thinking routines.
Thanks again my friend.
 
lantti said:
I've learned so much of just trying to abstain and relapsing- for a year now. I've fixed my sleeping cycle, I've gotten out of strange fetishes, I've found out a job, I've repaired some of my issues I had with all and everyone.

You learn everytime and you get better everytime you fail. If you want out, don't give in, search a new way to overcome this, and fix earlier problems you had. There is always some underlining issue when you relapse. I for example know that alcohol will make me relapse. Now I'm quitting it, and hopefully that is the last of problems. But I don't truly know, until I relapse or finally get out. Your brain needs to be at peak condition for you to succeed, and by trying more and more your brain trains more and more.

This is marathon, and you have to learn jump over the rocks that would normally make you fall. Keep on going! Even if whole life is spent searching for the perfect flower, life wouldn't be waisted:D
Click to expand...
Wow again. Thank you somuch for the kind words of advice. I can really relate an see what your saying
Thank you again
 
BoBo129 said:
@Bestforme aye bro you are not gay or bisexual. I let this gay dude blow me due to porn because I couldnt find no women in my area that were down. I put myself in that siutation because I was depressed for 3 days after me and my girlfriend broke up. Porn addiction leads you to do crazy stuff. Deep down inside you know what you want which is a wife and family. Then go on and get it. Fight your addiction. If you say you are straight then you are straight period.
Click to expand...
I needed this bro. Seriously good looking out. Im gonna get over this F****ed up shi* without rehab or therapy. Im stong enough i know i can do it
 
BoBo129 said:
I think you have developed HOCD for doing that. A lot of straight guys develop HOCD for watching porn that goes against their sexual orientation like me. My porn addiction is 98% straight and lesbian. The 2% percent is straight people dominating gay people and transwomen for wanting to act like a girl. Like if you want to act like a girl i will treat you like one. I know why I got into porn addiction. I always wanted to be seen as a man. I always wanted to fit in and be liked. I felt left out in my family because my twin got all the glory. I was an envious brat who wanted all the attention and I never got it in school either so I turned to porn. @Bestforme
Click to expand...
Hard to understand your message but i appreciate your reply
 
Bestforme said:
Wow brother if i only i studied more and not fapped id be able to really understand what im reading.
Click to expand...

Never too late to start brother, I've send you the names of the books, you only have to oder them and read them ;)

Bestforme said:
Ive done dmt anf mushrooms an feel thats what helped me better identify my issue an seek for help wanting to be normal an not have the odd thoughts im having. Fapping gets me off an i feel weak an unmanly after. An therefore get deeper into dirty nasty p an thoughts.
Click to expand...

You said "wanting to be normal and not have the odd thoughts." If you have experience abnormal thoughts try to really distance yourself from your mind. You minds tells a lot of bullsh*t. You have to remember you are not your thoughts. (Read The power of now for more on this) You can discover this by meditation and focusing on your breath. Once you distance yourself from your thoughts you will have an easier time coping with those thoughts, you will even laugh about them sometimes.

Also nasty p and thoughts I have made another video about dealing with sexual thoughts maybe that will help you.

Anyway buy 1 book today. Study and redesign your life. I mean the time is now.

Keep it up brother!
Thomas
 
I'm sorry to hear about your experience growing up. I too was abused which was by an older boy than me and to this day i feel a lot of hate and anger towards that person. Ive felt a lot of the emotions you are going through because i was once at odds with the way my porn use escalated, it didnt match my ethics, morals or my sexual orientation yet i still ended up looking at some of the worst stuff. I developed a bad class a drug habbit, smoked weed every day and i got to the point where i would have mental breakdowns after a binge. What helped me the most was doing a 12 step recovery program where i can be with fellow addicts and we can talk about stuff in a language we all understand. It is possible to get through this but you need people to help you along the way. I also got psychotherapy too which helped and now ive been pmo and drug and alcohol free for two years. Wasnt easy though you have to fight for what you deserve in life
 
Maybe you should stop smoking pot and taking other drugs too. I am sorry to say that. But it is stupid to consume drugs and watch porn together.

Stop taking drugs and watching porn.

Freedom comes with the clarity of mind. And clarity of mind is damaged by things like drugs and porn.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top