This is long,
My heart goes out to you, and please remember you are not alone in this goal. There are many here who can empathize with your situation. I am very glad to hear you are seeking medical advice. My SO is currently suffering from depression and much like the 'porn brain' voice which niggles at you - depression has it's own voice too...IMHO they both act in similar ways. They are both liars, nudging you to be self destructive and neither of them is your TRUE voice. Your true voice takes care of you, nurtures you and has a moral compass! True voice; 'I think I need to go swimming tomorrow, I could do with the exercise and a good relaxing dip in the water'
PB voice; 'Why not just look once? You can always reboot tomorrow'
Depression voice; 'Don't go out today, you don't want to see anyone, just give up and cut your losses'
Now, I don't want to depress you further or inflict any paranoia, these thoughts are not lucid or logical, but are a symptom of what you are going through. Try to challenge them....literally...challenge the pests! Pen and paper, when a negative or cruel compulsive thought forces it's way into your mind, write it down and pick it apart.
This will also strengthen your logical brain pathways. Negative emotions can spiral, so PUSH the logical. And think about the reality of what this negative thought is telling you to do.
I am not a doctor, I am in no way qualified but a very close friend has had similar thoughts of suicide and often shares his feelings of being transgender with me...I am also the SO of a PMO addict. My friend has suffered for many years with his personal challenge and I appreciate his Rationalizing thought is a tad 'end result' but it's an example...
After negative suicidal thought....he questioned the negative voice;
'Who is the poor sod that would find me? And what horrific impact would I have on their life?' Depression is very inward thinking, in it's nature it is all about the SELF. So he flipped it on it's head and tried to think of another persons perspective and importantly, their FEELINGS!
Example, depression; 'I don't want to go outside today, I just want to close the curtains and sit in darkness where it is safer'
Logical TRUE Brain; 'Why don't I want to go outside, why shouldn't I? Human beings are not supposed to stay shut in...we have evolved to roam and be free in the sunlight and breeze (positive memories). We have not evolved to have curtains! Is it really safer to sit in darkness? NO, of course not, people do not function in the dark...that is when we are supposed to sleep.'
You are a human being and have deep feelings and needs but please be aware of which voice you chose to focus on, you can chose which voice and it's needs to prioritize...with faith in yourself, belief in your value and of course...practice. Think about your situation too, how much time per day or per week do you GIVE to yourself, to simply think, reflect and bond with your own feelings? Always remember, self forgiveness is essential, it can take time but you need to heal. You are a human being and we can all get lost at some point, but what is greater is how we Rebuild ourselves. Attempt to let go of the past and Release all the ugly self loathing, pity and shame. Shame is a killer...one must take responsibility of their addiction but please don't let negativity fester within you.
This journey is very much about reconnecting with yourself and learning to love yourself in a healthy way; so in time you can fully give to others. Perhaps begin with steps to build the foundation of your future, tackling negative thoughts and emotions, including shame which is very damaging. Best of luck!
I saw the doctor and I've started some medication and I will begin therapy sometime soon. I'm still not feeling great, but I actually feel like things are changing for the better again <3 I've regained a small bit of hope