Help me please

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by helpmeplease123, May 23, 2019.

  1. helpmeplease123

    helpmeplease123 New Fapstronaut

    I just found out my fiances porn addiction a few weeks ago
    (I saw pictures and a lot of horrible stuff, he didn't confess)
    I'm in so much pain, it's been an emotionally roller coaster, I feel the urge to run away or ask him to leave.
    He's been working a lot to make it better through videos and stuff, he's also been going to therapy.
    He says tha he's in a lot of guilt and pain but he says he feels better, liberated, like he has a second chance in life, and that he's working on it. And also he has been very understanding of my pain and trying to be supportive.
    But it just feels wrong to me, I feel a very deep pain.
    we've been talking a lot.
    I understand that its not about me, and i want to heal.

    each time i ask him to leave I can't follow through my decision.
    but I feel like I can't be in this relationship anymore.
    I'm just so confused all the time.
    is it normal to feel like this at the beginning?
    do people that choose to stay in the relationship, feel it since the beginning?
    I can't feel love right now, I can easily understand that he has a problem I can ephatize with his problem and not judge him.
    but this is just to much for me.
    I keep feeling like a deserve a clean love.
    that maybe is the best to break up.
    But it just so painful to see him leave.
    but sometimes I want him to stay.

    Is it normal?
    Please help, I don't see the right way out.
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard all around. From what you write it sounds like your fiance is on the right track admitting to the problem and seeking help, he is also listening to you. For many that is one of the biggest struggles. But if you feel it is too much than you have to do what is right for YOU. There is no right way here, only what is best for you. I'm still with my bf of 16 years, he has only admitted to it and started to face it about a year and a half ago. There are times I wish I had left a long time ago when all this started. There are times I'm glad I'm still around, even if it can be painful.

    Take some time for yourself, give some deep thought. It is going to be a long hard road, there will be struggles for both of you. There may be relapses for him. I thought that no matter if I stayed or left there would be pain and I'd have deal with what this had done to me. I've chosen to stay even though my bf has had a relapse, the first (and I hope only) since
    Dec '17.
    What you are going though and feeling is completely normal. It is called betrayal trauma. Remember to take time of you and take care of yourself. Take some space if that is what you need. Don't feel bad on whatever you decide to do.
  3. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    OK first things first, I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position. It isn't right, and it isn't OK.

    It is good that he's taking you seriously, and listening. A lot of people come on here with stories of how their other half just fobs them off, or dismisses their hurt, or just refuses to admit that it's even a problem. If he isn't already, I'd really recommend that he come on here as well. This is a super-supportive community and there are plenty of people on here who will give him the unvarnished truth about getting free.

    For what it's worth (speaking as an addict, and not as a SO) I think your feelings sound perfectly normal (given the circumstances). This is a really big deal, and it's natural that you have massive grief, anger, pain etc. I would cautiously suggest that you yourself might want to think about getting some counselling, to help you process all this stuff? It sounds like you (both) have a lot of work to do to come back from this, and you might need to work through the initial shock and pain before you are able to make decisions on what comes next?

    I do hope this helps (if not please ignore me!)
    Hope things begin to improve soon.

    fuzzywaz and Susannah like this.
  4. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yes, it is absolutely normal for those suffering from betrayal trauma!! It SUCKS big time. Something that helped me was a site called Just know that each one of us has their limits of what they are willing to put up with. You need to do what is right for YOU. Don't worry about him. Women must learn to take care of themselves first! If this is too much hurt for you and you do not want to deal with the roller coaster ride of relapse and worrying and not trusting him--then move on. Be honest with him. Tell him you hope he gets the help he needs, but you have to excuse yourself to protect yourself while he does it. You don't owe an addict anything. It is great he seems to be doing the right thing for himself, but know that is his journey and you are not obligated to stick with the bullshit that goes along with his journey. Unless you want to marry and have children and grow old with an addict, then please leave now! So many SO's on this site wish they could/would have left PA long ago, but they couldn't because of complex marriages with children, etc. At least you are a single , young woman that has so much life ahead to choose how to live. All my best to you.
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Good advice!
  6. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

    For me when it was too much I told him we make the subject a taboo so I don't focus every my thought around it. After 1,5 year he started reboot for himself and started the subject again. Now I gained some force for it. And his view changed to better. And at first I shout out my thoughts and focused on other things, stop analysis. And now it overwhelmed me again but now I feel I can deal with it. Before I tried to support him and show him how bad it is but now I'm more positive he manages that and I focus on healing. Now I can really let myself feel the feelings and say where are they coming from and what I need is him to listen, cause he wasn't capable of it at first,There even if he tried. There is a lot of anger and disguis which I couldn't let go before and now I can. I think it will be third phase of it. If you want to share future with him you have to be prepared to have a lot of pain for a long time and trying not to get broken. Because they are. But porn didn't do it, it's symptom. It will take time for them to be not broken and as long as they heal you won't truly heal either. But you can do most of work during they do theirs as long as you both are on the right path.
    So the question is - do you believe he can stop it? If no, than you have to learn to live with a bit of disqust and feeling you're not number one or leave.
  7. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    Well said! Thank you.
  8. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    This is completely normal to feel this way. DO NOT feel bad for your feelings.
    I am going through the same thing, you are not alone.
    It is more of an emotional shock at the begining, every emotion surfaces; the hate, the pain, the what is wrong with me, why I am I not good enough for him, what do they have that I don't? I can tell you over and over again to stop beating your self up, but it won't stop. You will tell him that you don't like it and it makes you feel shitty, he may or may not want to change (seems like he does) mine does/did too. You will go through the head-heart struggles; you love him with your heart, but your brain will tell you he is lying and still doing it. It will take some time for you to understand what is happening in his brain; it's an addiction. He will tell you that he will "just stop"...this is not the case. The journey to recovery is real, lengthy, and very, very emotional. If you are willing to undertake this, be prepared for a roller coaster ride of emotions, pain, anxiety, and mistrust. I am not trying to be negative, just telling the truth (from experience). You obviously want to stand by your man through whatever, but as an SO, I can decide when I have reached my limit and deserve to feel safe and valued in my relationship. Do not let this cross your moral line, set boundaries and keep posting it helps, we are here for you. Good luck ❤
  9. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

    You remind me so much of the 20 year old me. I found out about my husband’s PA before we were married. I knew it wasn’t normal, but they are so good at convincing us that there isn’t a problem, they’re just “men”. You believe them and stick around because you want to, not because it’s the truth. The addict will always tell you what you want to hear. You are going to do what you are going to do, no matter what anyone here says. The PA’s here will tell you to stick by him and support him. Every. Time. They won’t advise you to break it off. Most of the SO’s however, will most likely advise you to get out while you can. Before you’ve built 15-20 years of your life around a man that will ALWAYS choose P over you. I am 16 years into this horrible addiction and things have never gotten better. It will seem like it for a while, only for you to discover it’s still happening and everything was a lie. Again. And again. And again. Before you know it, you have children together and you’ve wasted all of your youth with a man that could never love you more than he loves his P.

    Maybe this sounds bitter. This is the reality of so many SO’s. If you want to spare yourself this future, seriously, run far away.
    fuzzywaz, Amanda011 and bms1985 like this.

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