Help me please

PhilippB

PhilippB

Fapstronaut
Hello fellow brothers,

so yesterday I went to the club and I also started doing online dating again, even if I am 0 days wothout PMO.

I have noticed that somehow everytime when I chase girls (via Dating Apps or in the club for example) that I fall into some submissive mode and start doing online sexchats about me being very submissive, doing cam sex and even using a dildo to put into my ass.

I don‘t know but I think somehow my uncnscoious maybe is connecting chasing girls with not being successfull and loosing and that I am not good enough.

Because when I don‘t do online dating or clubbing, and solely focus on myself and work on my mental health then I am not really keen on shovinh a dildo up into my ass or being that submissive.

When do you think someone can start dating seriously again? I don‘t feel ready for a real committee relationship but I also would like to meet some girls just for the fun of it.

Have a great day.
 
This is a tough question...and unfortunately there's no textbook answer that works for everyone. I would highly recommend getting in to talk with a CSAT therapist about all this. They have certifications and training in all of this. Get into some therapy and dig deep inside yourself. Talk about your past, your childhood, and trauma you've been through and figure out how and why this whole thing started for you. THAT is your best bet of beating this addiction.

Good luck!
 
I totally get where you're coming from, bro
when it comes to dating, there's no set timeline. it's all about when you genuinely feel ready.you don't have to jump into a serious, committed relationship right away. casual dating can be a good way to meet people and have some fun without the pressure of commitment..
 
ricardopandelan said:
I totally get where you're coming from, bro
when it comes to dating, there's no set timeline. it's all about when you genuinely feel ready.you don't have to jump into a serious, committed relationship right away. casual dating can be a good way to meet people and have some fun without the pressure of commitment..
Click to expand...
Hello bro,

thanks for your advice.
Maybe I will try it again and see where it gets me without any pressure.
 
Trauma maybe, inadequacies, insecurities. Make a list (yes write a real one) of all the times that made you feel submisive in your life, maybe you got bullied, you were bad at sports, you lost a fight, someone cheated on you, you had bad social skills, you are a people pleaser, etc. Make it and try to make connections with those things you do sexually. Believe me, its never a "sexuality" or a "sexual taste", its a representation on the sexual layer of your own traumas and insecurities, fix that
 
SRJN said:
Trauma maybe, inadequacies, insecurities. Make a list (yes write a real one) of all the times that made you feel submisive in your life, maybe you got bullied, you were bad at sports, you lost a fight, someone cheated on you, you had bad social skills, you are a people pleaser, etc. Make it and try to make connections with those things you do sexually. Believe me, its never a "sexuality" or a "sexual taste", its a representation on the sexual layer of your own traumas and insecurities, fix that
Click to expand...
Hello bro,
yes I know that. And I can really feel that lottle brokem kid inside of me. All of this submissve stuff has really started after my ex wive has left me and my ex gf.
Since then shit really went down the rabbit hole.

I am already discussing this with my therapist but its really hard to somehow cure these wounds, I am clueless how to..
 
I've never been a fan of online dating, the odds are stacked against men and I think our true value is understated on there compared to IRL. The club doesn't seem to be a good place either unless you are looking for casual sex but that will leave most people unfulfilled. If you stopped pmo do you still think you would want to do those submissive things? I would stop for awhile and see if your tastes change (if that is bothering you).
 
Nevertoolate23 said:
I've never been a fan of online dating, the odds are stacked against men and I think our true value is understated on there compared to IRL. The club doesn't seem to be a good place either unless you are looking for casual sex but that will leave most people unfulfilled. If you stopped pmo do you still think you would want to do those submissive things? I would stop for awhile and see if your tastes change (if that is bothering you).
Click to expand...

Yes I guess you are right regarding the club.
I still want to go out from time to time to better my social skills. Bit dating apps still do work a little for me, either way I don‘t feel ready for a commited relationship rn so I try to keep it slow.

I think if I stop PMO and worked on my self esteem and self worth the submissive fetish will fade away almost completely or will be in a more healthy way.

I don‘t have a problem with beinh a bit submissive with a woman but not in that sick way that I am jerking off to right now.

as SRJN said in his answer above I really have the feeling that my submission fetish comes from traumatic ecperiences and now my unvoncious wants to live out these traumas.
 
Nevertoolate23 said:
I've never been a fan of online dating, the odds are stacked against men and I think our true value is understated on there compared to IRL.
Click to expand...

I understand your point, but I gotta say it's surely hard for the ladies who try online dating as well. They trying to find a good man and literally have no clue if they're talking to a genuinely good guy, a criminal, a ciolent psychopath, or even a pedophile.

Not trying to argue or be difficult, just saying that simply because the ratio favors them doesn't mean they have it easy.
 
PhilippB said:
Hello bro,
yes I know that. And I can really feel that lottle brokem kid inside of me. All of this submissve stuff has really started after my ex wive has left me and my ex gf.
Since then shit really went down the rabbit hole.

I am already discussing this with my therapist but its really hard to somehow cure these wounds, I am clueless how to..
Click to expand...

Joining a 12 step SA group would definitely help, but I'd say that for this psychological stuff, talking to a therapist is the best way to handle it. Just remember to be open and honest because the help you can get is limited o ly by how far you're willing to dig I side yourself to get it.

Good luck!
 
PhilippB said:
Yes I guess you are right regarding the club.
I still want to go out from time to time to better my social skills. Bit dating apps still do work a little for me, either way I don‘t feel ready for a commited relationship rn so I try to keep it slow.

I think if I stop PMO and worked on my self esteem and self worth the submissive fetish will fade away almost completely or will be in a more healthy way.

I don‘t have a problem with beinh a bit submissive with a woman but not in that sick way that I am jerking off to right now.

as SRJN said in his answer above I really have the feeling that my submission fetish comes from traumatic ecperiences and now my unvoncious wants to live out these traumas.
Click to expand...

I couldn't agree more with the idea that porn/lust addiction absolutely seems from something else, usually some form of traumatic event or series of events, often from childhood. That's definitely the case with me. My therapist told me that porn is an issue, it's just not THE issue. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my sister and my mother growing up. But back then it was just normal behavior, so no one ever thought anything of it or did anything about it.

Sexual preferences are fine, as we all obviously have them. But addicts like us need to take a hard look at what feels good to do and examine if it's because of our addiction that we want to do it and decide if it's something we should do or not. I know there are many fetish type things I watched when I was acting out and for awhile tried them in the bedroom. Now my wife know all about it and those are things I wouldn't even think of trying now. And even if I did, she would put a screeching halt to it because those were my addiction fantasies, not things I only wanted to do with her. (And she would be completely justified in doing so!)
 
Joe1023 said:
I understand your point, but I gotta say it's surely hard for the ladies who try online dating as well. They trying to find a good man and literally have no clue if they're talking to a genuinely good guy, a criminal, a ciolent psychopath, or even a pedophile.

Not trying to argue or be difficult, just saying that simply because the ratio favors them doesn't mean they have it easy.
Click to expand...
That is true, I've heard women say the guys online are just looking to hook up and not have a relationship but I still think online dating heavily favors women overall.
 
Joe1023 said:
Okay, so in what way does it favor women though? Just the ratio?
Click to expand...
Yes, that is it. Its like being at a party with 100 people, 25 are girls and 75 boys and everyone is there to find a date. The men would do worse there than they would out and about most other places. You never know though, all it takes is one so I'm sure some people do find someone they really like.
 
PhilippB said:
When do you think someone can start dating seriously again? I don‘t feel ready for a real committee relationship but I also would like to meet some girls just for the fun of it.
Click to expand...
Don't date until you're 90 days clean. This is for two reasons.

1. Porn makes you crazy. You want to be in your right mind when you date. You want to be you.

2. When you eventually get married, and she gets pregnant, you're going to go through a long period without any kind of sex, or anything remotely romantic at all. You have to go in with the confidence that you can make it.
 
Meshuga said:
Don't date until you're 90 days clean. This is for two reasons.

1. Porn makes you crazy. You want to be in your right mind when you date. You want to be you.

2. When you eventually get married, and she gets pregnant, you're going to go through a long period without any kind of sex, or anything remotely romantic at all. You have to go in with the confidence that you can make it.
Click to expand...
Hello brother,

I know that you are right..

But still my urges and instincts want to date girls casually and just have fun.

I know in reality its purposeless and stupid..

Thank you, I have to think about all of this
 
PhilippB said:
Hello bro,
yes I know that. And I can really feel that lottle brokem kid inside of me. All of this submissve stuff has really started after my ex wive has left me and my ex gf.
Since then shit really went down the rabbit hole.

I am already discussing this with my therapist but its really hard to somehow cure these wounds, I am clueless how to..
Click to expand...
You may consider a church, try to find a nice one because there are bad ones indeed.

And study philosophy, this sounds random, but philosophy probably saved my life, I won't even expand on the why, it just did and kepts doing.

And never ever fall into the "sexualities" as if they exist on themselves, as I said, they are a manifestation of disorders on the victim, that's it.
 
SRJN said:
You may consider a church, try to find a nice one because there are bad ones indeed.

And study philosophy, this sounds random, but philosophy probably saved my life, I won't even expand on the why, it just did and kepts doing.

And never ever fall into the "sexualities" as if they exist on themselves, as I said, they are a manifestation of disorders on the victim, that's it.
Click to expand...
Good Morning (at least in Germany),

I used to attend catholic mass every sunday but I have let that down sadly. I think it would be great to start again.


Thanks for the advice, I am already really deep into philosophie and psychology mostly Nietzsche and Carl Jung.

Have a great day bro!
 
Update:

So I have originally planned a coffee date for Sunday but somehow I feel uncomfortable meeting someone again and don‘t feel ready for getting to know someone genuinely.

I feel like I am really not the best version of myself and also don‘t feelcomfortable with my PMO, Sexchat addiction still being there 100% and also my psycho/unoncoius not being healed at all.


As Meshuga has replied earlier I think I really have to be be PMO free for a while first and also have zo work more on my psyche and my confidence, only then I can choose a woman and show her my true and real me.



I want to thank you all for your great replies.

I am thankful for beinh part of this community.

Take care!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top