Help please

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Healmyheart, Nov 29, 2019.

  1. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    It's now been about 7 weeks since the issues restarted, in that time some pied and also just alot of pe, I do know the restrictions placed on everything in the house and we are remote, so for the life of me can't figure out how it's happening but I'm becoming more and more convinced something is going on. Within that time we have become closer talking wise and decided to get engaged as a sign of his commitment to me. I came home from night shift yesterday to a different person, someone who looked like they couldn't get enough of me, like he's never been before it was amazing apart from the fact he'd been drinking until the wee hours and couldn't function properly (That's what I put it down to) he seemed into me like never before. Fast forward to this morning I finish work and he's different again, back to not as interested, I've also noted massage oil moved, had to have a shower straight after getting out of bed, not always the norm. And side note starting to talk more again about getting erectile medication which I'd previously banned until getting the basics right. We have a few drinks then retire to bed, I'm expecting action given the talk the previous day and there's nothing just sleep, so here I am convinced something must be happening. I'm trying to hold back and give things a chance for when he wakes up, but my emotions are taking over, so scared it's a relapse and will ruin all the engagement talk and how much lighter and happier I felt after him asking me. I have also noticed some of the small insignificant lying creeping back in that shouldn't even be an issue. I would really love a recoved/ recovering point of view.
     
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  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    This sounds really difficult for you. I can see how, with his behaviour, you are suspicious. Do you regularly feedback to him about his mood? How would he take that?
    Have you given him any reason to lie about relapse ? (eg. If you relapse that is the end of me and you) Is a relapse but with commitment to try again a deal breaker for the engagement?
    I remember being so totally scared to share my relapses with my wife because of how much it had hurt her already.
    We are 91 days in to 'back to basics' as you put it and our relationship has never been stronger. By talking opening every night about my feelings I began to realise how so very sensitive my wife is to my every change of mood. And before when I thought she really wasn't bothered about my feelings, she was actually knotted up inside with fear and sadness.
    By me talking about my feelings she was able to express her concerns and how my behaviour effects her(good and bad).
     
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  3. I would say that he's probably getting the temptation of the addiction. My opinion is to ask him straight up, something along the lines of "Do NOT lie to me, I need to know what's going on with you."
     
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  4. Poland

    Poland Fapstronaut

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    This is the part of the reboot I'm enjoying the most. My wife and I are 100% open about all of this, we're talking more, we're listening intently to one another, we are constantly flirting throughout the day. It's changed everything!

    @Healmyheart, for what it's worth, alcohol can definitely be a negative factor w/ male performance; my wife and I both stopped drinking a couple of years ago and our health improved significantly; we also started intermittent fasting (we only eat from noon-8pm each day); as a result, we both look better, feel better, and have more energy, which has generated much more interest and desire between us -- I think it's largely because we are doing ALL of this together. I still have the odd glass of wine or cocktail but usually just holidays or special occasions.

    Early on, it was a massive challenge (for me) to talk about PMO, PIED, DE, etc. Initially, I would get embarrassed and frustrated, fumbling for words; I didn't want my wife to think I was weak or didn't love her... but that was all in my head (my head is full of this kind of old-school nonsense). Since then, we've truly opened up to each other it's translated positively to all other aspects of our relationship. The key, I think, is to avoid accusations or confrontations. By revealing my vulnerabilities--as hard as this was for me--it actually brought us closer together.

    Letting go of angst, regret, anger, etc., is so hard... but really leaning into communication, and being OK w/ embarrassment or vulnerability, is super powerful, in my opinion.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2019
  5. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Is it possible it could have been a flatline? After lengthy discussions he said he hadn't felt like having sex but tired to fake it now the last couple of times have been ok. (When I say ok, I mean the best it ever gets with him, it's never really been what I call normal, but I have now made allowance for his addiction and understand it take alot to recover from but was hoping to get there one day. With how it's been for the last 4 years I'm obviously not with him just for the sex lol) I will be monitoring very closely over the next few weeks as he will be home alone again. I've gone cold and don't initiate anything now, fear of rejection or failure. It's not fair that he's hot and cold and always on his terms. All I want is free and easy and normal. I'd come so far in the last 18 months and now, I've gone back to that suspicious neurotic person I was before checking everything and worrying. I really hope it's all for nothing and just what he says it is.
     
  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Flatline as I understand it is when you stop using P and normal stimulation just doesn't do it for you for a while.You lose the desire as your dopamine levels get back to normal.
    I used to use P during the day to heat me up ready for sex in the evening. I was using it as a sex aid. We would be very passionate that night, and I would M about what had happened several times the next day when she was out. When she came back that evening I would be totally cold because of all the O I had had during the day.
    It is a horrible cycle to be in for both parties but especially my wife. She didn't have all the info so was totally confused as to what was going on.
    One way of looking at it is that your partner has an addiction which will cause him to behave strangely as well as possibly lie and cover up his behaviour regarding things to do with the addiction.If you suspect he is using, there is a chance that he is. To open a conversation about it you could ask how often he gets unwanted sexual thoughts in his head.
     
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  7. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Update: I've now been working for the last week hes been at home, I've not been initiating or anything, its happened once, I've noticed the strategic signs of when I get into bed, e.g. cuddling with doona strategically placed between so no body touching or full on body contact (when it's on) ,I get into bed off night shift and we have the doona thing going on, so I give up hope and get really tired ready for sleep, then decided I need to pee, get back into bed and all of a sudden it's the full body thing, too tired by this stage and pissed off it always has to be on his terms or it just doesn't work, so reject him, hes like oh so i missed the boat, im like yeah it always has to be on your terms, now I'm awake and back up pissed off at the whole situation .
     
  8. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    you need to talk to him. you need to tell him what you told us and explain why your feeling that way. somethings going on there or else you wouldnt be upset, my wife would get upset at me and id pretend I didnt know why but man there was always a reason even if she didnt know what it was. if nothings happening he should be willing to talk to you, dont think your upset about nothing because your probably not, you should be able to check with him.
     
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  9. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    So he watched the wolf of wall street yesterday while I was at work......oh and I've been on rations again
     

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