Help! rebooting in marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Tigerlillie, May 9, 2020.

  1. Tigerlillie

    Tigerlillie Fapstronaut

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    So I’m 26, I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years. Together for 7. I love him with all my heart.

    I recently relapsed after 3 years back in December... since then have watched porn every month each time is like 2-3 weeks apart. I stop for about 2-3 feel great about the progress and then end up using again. I’m so sick of it.

    the main thing is that I have a very high sex drive. I have since I was a teen, I unfortunately discovered porn at a young age and that had truly messed me up and had such a negative impact. I don’t think I ever had a full blown crazy addiction, but I have used it and I know it’s a problem.

    My husband and I have sex regularly and it’s amazing. There are no problems with orgasms or anything but my problem I think is that I’m hooked on that feeling. And I crave it a lot. Since my husbands drive is lower than mine, it caused a lot of friction in the beginning of our marriage, but after counseling we finally got to a good spot in our marriage. But then a few months ago out of stupid curiosity and boredom I fell back to the old habit. Like I said it’s not that we don’t have sex it’s just that I want it more, sometimes at night I guess he has no energy and I turn to porn to get off. I want this to stop so badly. I hate it.

    he has no idea of my struggle and would probably never suspect it either. I’m just so guilty and feel completely awful and disgusted with myself. I start to get anxious and depressed and the whole cycle starts all over again.

    I want to tell him too... but I can’t even begin to think about how can I? I have never told a single soul about this problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

    To those that are in a relationship or married, have you told your SO about the problem? And how did they handle it? Is it better to tell them or try to recover on your own?
     
    cd013 and Deleted Account like this.
  2. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I’m married and I’m in therapy and there are some men there who are married and in relationships. Some have told their partners, some haven’t.

    Of the three who haven’t, two have withdrawn from our Zoom sessions due to “privacy issues” and one is still in the mindset that visiting sex workers was out of his control completely. Their recovery is hanging by a thread and I’ll be very surprised if the two who have temporarily withdrawn aren’t acting out again.

    Of the three who have (myself included), we are committed to change and have learnt to be much more honest, open and accountable to our partners. Our partners have been hurt in a way we can’t truly understand, but we are committed to changing not only our behaviour but our mindsets. We haven’t relapsed, but we live with the guilt of our actions everyday. That’s both a motivation and a source of great pain.

    Think about it the other way around. If your partner was acting in the way you were, would you want him to tell you? Would you rather be kept in the dark, thinking your relationship was something it wasn’t, or would you feel like you deserved to know? Would you take his honesty, that he came to you before you were caught or confronted, as a positive or a negative? Would you want to help him, or would it be too much and you’d leave? Would you want him to value and respect you enough to allow you to make an informed decision on your future? Or would you rather that you never knew, living in blissful ignorance?

    I believe in full disclosure. It took me two full disclosures, spread over the space of about 5 months, to finally tell my wife the truth. I didn’t ask her for help before she found out, she already knew and had tried to talk to me and I lied and lied until she couldn’t take it anymore. When she asked me to figure out what was happening or she would leave, I thought long and hard and realised how my behaviour was wrong. We had no idea how many other problems it was causing without us even knowing. You have to make the decision but if you see a future with your partner, I think you know what you need to do.
     
  3. Hey Tigerlillie,
    in my experience it's way better to tell your husband! Sure, there is no guarantee that he can handle it easily but in my case it changed a lot to tell my wife. I can't really give any tips how to do this because in my case it was part of a conversation about our different sex drives. If you both had discussed this earlier, it should be easy to built on that.
    All the best!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2020
  4. ler41

    ler41 Fapstronaut

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    What other types of problems was it causing you?
     
  5. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Maybe causing wasn’t the right term, but it was all linked to the same problematic mindset.

    On a personal level, my acting out caused a lot of shame which in turn caused social anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts (the world would be better without me). I still have a lot of shame and I’m working on this, but a lot of these problems feel more manageable now. I wasn’t in tune with my emotions and would have drastic mood swings. I had little to no discipline in my life and had insomnia, would play video games for hours and hours on end and was a daily weed and cigarette smoker. My diet was dreadful, I would only drink Coca-Cola and eat pizza and chips and my personal hygiene was poor. I nearly flunked out of university and social isolated most of the time.

    On a relationship level, I was cold and emotionally absent 99% of the time. I wouldn’t clean or cook or provide any support, and would be mean and dismissive to my wife. I would use her body as a tool for my own sexual gratification and would never consider her needs or wants. I expected her to dress and look a certain way all of the time while I would put no effort into my own appearance. I would ogle and fantasise about other women while my wife was with me, and lied to her face every time she tried to talk to me about it.

    In terms of physical issues caused by my PMO habit, we’re talking PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction), DE (delayed ejaculation) and PE (premature ejaculation).

    The list goes on but like I said, there are issues I’m still uncovering.
     
    SRGTMeowz and cd013 like this.
  6. You mention a high sex drive. I used to think about myself that way too and I read many other p addicts about their high sex drive. But now that I'm over porn and slowly recovering, I find out that my real sex drive isn't that high. It's slowly becoming much more relaxed. So, maybe this 'high sex drive' feeling is a result of the porn addiction, and not the cause of the addiction.
    It is just a theory, no science here. But give it some thought. Maybe, when you do beat this addiction, your sex drive will return to enjoyable levels.

    Also, you can talk about this with your partner. The shame makes you lonely and suffering. In marriage we should be able to accept that we are not perfect, have problems and can overcome them together better than we can do so alone. We marry out of love but marriage is so much more.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2020
  7. ler41

    ler41 Fapstronaut

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    I experience some social anxiety and mood swings. I wonder if beating this would help me overcome some of that. No PMO definitely gives me more time for other things. I would get so much more done as a way to focus on other things and and not PMO.
     
  8. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I think you’ll definitely notice the benefits. Unless you’re really open with your porn use (most aren’t), it’ll be something you don’t want other people to know about and you’ll feel quite shameful. I always felt like other people could somehow see this radiating from me in social situations, which would cause me to have huge social anxiety. The mood swings should improve too, as you’ll develop new coping mechanisms that add something positive to your life as opposed to taking from it.

    As you mention, if there’s only one benefit to no PMO it’s the additional time you’ll have to do things you care about. :)
     

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