Helping someone quit smoking

Hello. So about 4 months ago my girlfriend quit smoking, it was hard, she had a tough few weeks, smoked a few times, but she kept getting better in between slip ups. She has compared her failures with smoking to my success getting over porn, which I keep telling her is different and when she slips she is really down on herself. When we started dating it did not bother me much that she smoked but now with her being clean for about 4 months I have known her more as a nonsmoker than a smoker so I have gotten used to that more.

Last week she came home smelling like a chimney and it grossed me out kinda and told her to shower. I asked her what happened and she says someone at work offered her a cigarette and she smoked. Okay, sigh, fine. Then last night she asked where her phone was and I said in your jacket, I went to get her phone and she jumped at me saying she would get her phone, but I had her jacket in hand just enough to feel a pack of cigarettes. I did not react off hand, just went to take a shower, calm down and about a half hour later asked her. She said yep, there was a pack in her jacket that she had bought a week ago. I can handle slip ups, but lying about last week and a couple of times between then is bothering me. I dont like being lied to and I have never lied to her(mostly because I honestly dont lie ever, which people dont believe until they get to know me and realize, shit, he dont lie).

This slip up has pissed me off and I am not sure what to do. I told her about a slip up I had last week finding some porn, I was honest, hated myself and told her why I lingered so long before pulling myself back. Now I find she has been hiding cigarettes for a week I am not sure what to do. Should I be pissed? Should I continue to be understanding and supportive or should I get mad and be pissed this time? How can I help her better if she just tossed away 4 months of good progress and lied about to not only me but a lot of other people as well?

Any help, advice or personal experiences would be awesome. Thank you.

 

When I asked her about it, her going response about why she hid it was that she did not want to disappoint me again. I guess I'm a tough person to disappoint or something, I have always been supportive when she slipped up, never got mad or upset. So I'm not sure. When she slips up I dont treat her like a kid, I tell her I'm not taking the cigarettes from her but she has to make the choice to give them to me or toss them. I gave her the same option this time and as far as I know she has not tossed them and she did not give them to me, so I am a little irked about that.

We have both been stressed lately, for the first time in a long time she is doing a job she hates and it's getting to her. Meanwhile I have been doing a job I hate for 13 years so I am maybe less sympathetic about her job situation because she can do anything she wants in her field she loves while I can only do this one thing that I hate with a damn passion and since starting nofap I have hated it all the more.

I need to ask her again. At first the smell of smoke on her did not bug me but now, since she has stopped, I can't stand the smell, it reminds me too much of work since everyone except me smokes at my job.

 

Well good job quitting my friend I wish you continued luck with the smoking and PMO.

Well "ditching her" is not an option, we are both in things for the long haul. And if I were to break up with her i would be breaking up with her two kids as well, both of whom i love just as much as her so extra heartbreak as well.

Quiting was not even my idea 4 months ago, she made the choice to quit and I was in total agreement and support. She works in the medical field and knows all the bad things that happen and them some. I am more worried about the impact now it could have on her daughter's, I did not like she smoked in front of them and now she hiding it which leaves an impression on the girls. It's also something that is forcing her to deal with other demons I think, its forcing her to grow up and be an adult which to a certain extent even as a mother to 2, I think she has been truly avoiding.

 

I get your point and I have been and still continue to be fully supportive of her in this journey. Every other time she has slipped she has been fully honest and it has not bothered me that she has ever slipped up and I always tell her that I am here to help any way she needs and I understand how hard it is. This time it was that she lied and hid it from me for a week that bugged me, it left me trying to figure out what I had done wrong in the past to suddenly prompt her to lie. Later she would tell me that she could not stand seeing the look of disappointment on my face that so many others have given her over the years. So she was grafting another emotion from other people into me, which is not fair our relationship to be honest but I understand given the horrible things she has been through in the past.

The shower thing was more, "hey, before the girls(her daughters) come in here and smell this can we take a shower please, it's unfair for the girls to have mommy smelling like a chimney again." It was not a demand, I asked her simply if she could because her daughters deserve better, something she herself had told me 4 months before, "I fucking hate that the girls have to smell me like this sometimes and dont want them too."

Everytime she has slipped and bought a pack she say I can take the pack. I always tell her she's not a child, she has to make the choice to give me the pack or toss the pack out, above all it has to be her choice. It's the reason why I wont take her debit card away like she has hinted at a number of times before so she does not have the funds to buy a pack, she is 29, not 16 and it's time for all of us, myself included, to act like adults.

I told her last night even if I am wrong here, being an insane asshole or you want me out of this struggle please let me know. She said, "no, your the first person to try and help me though something like this and without your support I could not have made it this far." I will gladly keep my distance from it if she asks, she knows that.