Here Again - Just need to be honest

I am not sure how many out there will read this but I just need to find a place I can be honest and to tell the truth because I do not feel that I can tell anyone in my life this.

I am 31, my first experiences with PMO started when I was 11 or 12. I would not say this was a problem until I was in a serious relationship in my early 20s, when I was trying to stop but I couldn't. At this time I was becoming more "religious" and knew this could not be a part of my lifestyle if I claimed to be a Christian. I would not have considered this a major addiction at that time, as access to porn was limited, and I did not have a smart phone. I did masturbate constantly though, and "fooled around" with my girl friend quite a bit. When opportunities were available to find porn and not be caught, I always went for it.

The relationship ended, I continued to PMO even though I tried to break the habit/addiction continually. I knew it was wrong. The amount of PMO I participated in continued to grow.

I got my first smart phone when I was 24, opening whole new options to watch porn. I also discovered a video chat website as well as camgirl websites. I was getting into a whole new area of this addiction. On the video chat website I would build relationships with girls, we would be friends on snapchat and sext/send pics and videos of each other. I also was on dating websites that just turned into sexual encounters. These sexual encounters were not full on penetration sex itself, and to this day I have not had full on sex. It is pretty embarrassing, although I do believe sex is for marriage and am trying to hold on to what's left of my "purity" into a marriage one day.

At first, I was never able to ejaculate during these sexual encounters, not that I was even trying. In my relationships in the past, there was plenty of sex "stuff" and I never came close to ejaculating with a girl, I wouldn't even think about it while we fooled around. I did not have any ED issues. One girl blew me for literally 2 hours and I could not orgasm. Finally in another instance, with much focus, a girl finished the job. Shortly after that, I had another encounter with a girl where I could barely get hard, and prematurely ejaculated. I then dated a girl after this encounter and we tried to stick to our christian morals and not have sex, or any sexual activities. Well, I became engaged to this girl (it did not work out) but there were times we became "intimate" while engaged and premature ejaculation was an issue once again. During this time, I did make several runs at nofap and would make it constantly to over 14 days, and have a one time relapse and go right into another 14-20 day streak. I felt like it was managed well. My longest streak was over 90 days.

Well like I said the engagement ended. Before I knew it, I was back to PMO. After about a year, I was back on the video chat website. This is been going on for a couple years now, and I now will watch porn, while being on this website, and once connected with a girl, blow a load in seconds. I also watch and listen to ASMR, POV, role play porn videos. If I masturbate without porn, I either can't get erect, or ejaculate as soon as I get an erection. I also believe my penis has gotten smaller. When I go a week or two on nofap and no porn, I end up dreaming about watching porn. I am a mess. My mind is a mess. I worry about my future and if I now have this issue for life, even if I go nofap for years.

Writing here is just a way to be honest, honest with myself, and to put this information out there to others. I constantly worry if I ruined my life with this addiction. I never thought I would be this age, single, a "virgin", and have ED problems. I don't have anyone I am willing to tell this to in my life, its too embarrassing. I hope younger people out there can see me as an example that this can be you, and you do not want it to be.

I don't have much faith I can break this. It is so deep seeded and I have completely destroyed my mind and soul with all the sexual images I have fed myself. You think you are the one getting something out of porn but over time you just see, porn just takes away. It kills your soul and your mind. I feel it is so close to have actually have killed mine, if anything my soul and mind is on life support.

This has been such a massive beast in my life that I just can't defeat. It has won time and time again. I am hoping that truly knowing this, can make a difference moving forward. That being honest about how big of a problem this is in my life, I won't sit back and let it take me over anymore.

So, I am just going to start by truly contemplating what I am going up against and how it can be beaten. I do not have a desire to not PMO. I still want to. I am deeply connected to it. But I do know, right now, how devastating it is for me, and where it might lead if I continue down this road. I NEED to stop. I need to get this out of my life for once and for all.

Thanks if you read. Like I said, I just need to get this out there to anyone and be honest with myself.

 

Appreciate that Munchausen and the encouragement. I know overcoming this will lead to a much better life here on earth before the end comes. I always said to myself growing up, I'll get it under control when I am an adult. Well, it doesn't work that way. Also, always thought that a month or two will make the difference, this also isn't true. You are right, it will take a year minimum for this to truly be overcome, and that will just be the start. PMO maybe the most addictive activity (drug) we will face in our lifetimes. It has truly humbled me and shows there is a time, you lose control and it over takes you, and no matter how much you may want to stop, you won't be able to. I think this is something I never truly believed before. This is a viscous, manipulative, powerful beast of an addiction.

There always comes a time and a day where it just speaks to you and slowly tempts you in. I will need to prepare for those moments now, to be equipped to face these times and to just say no.

 

@SingedBone it is great to know other Christians are here dealing with the same struggles. I appreciate your words - really hits home when you say, let a part of myself die so the rest can live. Wise words man!

Very true on how powerful of a drug it is though... it is so readily available.. and you can have it on you at all times. This makes it more difficult to cut out of life as I always will have my phone, tv, laptop, see girls at the gym/public. I do wish there was some place I could go for 90 days and have only a flip phone, no internet or mobile devices, and come back a new man. If I am unable to get through these 90 days, that might have to be the next step.

I also think about how Paul says that all other sins a man commits outside of their body, but sexual sin a man commits against himself. Maybe to have something that should be so great (sex) and to use it in the complete wrong way, does damage to our souls and minds that no other sin can. Spiritually, I do believe I have developed a deep seeded, soul attaching habit/addiction. It's time to become unattached from it with whatever drastic means necessary.

I do want to always remember that feeling of after binging on porn and coming back to reality and just how low and disgusting it feels. The feeling of being disconnected from friends, family, God. Of being a complete fraud. Its one of the worse feelings out there. Forgetting how that feels always leads to falling back into the trap. I do not want to be attached to this any longer. I want to use sex the way it was designed for and live in God's will.