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Here goes... Crossdressing, Porn and Years of both :-(

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by cosmicology, Jan 5, 2019.

  1. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    I have no idea where this came from but for years I've been into wearing women's underwear and nylon. I don't want to go into huge amounts of detail but here's the bullet points.
    - from a very young age (4 or 5) I remember sitting under a teachers desk and looking up her skirt seeing her stockings and suspenders. A rather vivid and arousing thought.
    - by age 8-9 I use to play with a friend. We would undress and I would wear his mum’s stockings. We would masturbate and suck one another. I've since found out that lots of youngsters 'play' with each other (same and opposite sex) as they get to know, understand and experience their bodies.
    - around the age of 10-11, my friend's mum caught us under the covers of his bed, both of us were naked. She threatened to tell my mum which terrified me.
    - As I've got older I've crossdressed (on my own) and masturbated to porn for what seems like decades. It was a way of dealing with stress (unemployment, missing my family as I moved abroad, living on my own, break-up with girlfriend etc) as it calmed me.
    - for the past 10 years, since high-speed internet, I have masturbated on cam with other crossdressers. Porn has played a huge part in all of this.

    I'm not gay (I've never found other men attractive) but I do get aroused at other men who wear female underwear and nylon.
    I think all of this is linked together in a big ball of fucked up porn, comfort, self-loving, self-loathing mess of thinking. It’s been going on for decades!

    I'm finding my current reboot OK at the moment as I have so much understanding of my years of self-play and the routines/triggers that set me off. I've linked the crossdressing and porn so closely together, that when thoughts and feelings arrive for either, I simply take action by keeping busy, having cold showers or working-out or just getting out the house for fresh air and a walk.

    I'd like to hear from other members if they've had similar stories and how they dealt with their thoughts, feelings and tactics to overcome their problems. I know I’m not alone so would welcome your insights and comments.

    Thanks for helping on my journey guys. We all have our stories and so helping each other instead of judging each other is so very comforting and rewarding.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2019
  2. when i was 12 i started masturbating for the first time, long story short in one of my family members abandoned house she had left her clothes, i dont know why but i wanted to wear them, the thought turned me on a lot, i liked wearing her makeup and stuff and i just loved the idea of being a woman, i fight the urges even today to wear female clothes, i am also attracted to traps, i love females with penises or men who look 100% like females, but i hate men, the thought of dating or kissing one is repulsive to me, but i for some reason love girls with penises and i love wearing female clothing. i think it might have to do with the fact that my sister forced me into a dress when i was like 5, it could have awakened something possibly, also i was born with a female brain and my personality type, infp, has a big role with how i turned out. I believe it could be something called gamp, here is a link, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26498424
     
  3. Hand Jive

    Hand Jive Fapstronaut

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    Can relate to this. Main thing is to keep the porn under control as tbh there is nothing wrong with any of these preferences.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Hand Jive - The crossdressing is something I would still very much like to do but it makes me go 'off the rails' chatting and cam wanking with other lingerie, nylon wearers. This isn't the behaviour I want continue as it takes up too much mental space and I find my time being distracted in so many ways. It's a 'comfort blanket' if I'm honest and I use it way too often. It's time to throw away the blanket and deal with stresses in a much more healthy way.

    I'm hoping if I can stop the porn watching it will stop the cravings to dress-up. If I can stop dressing-up, I'm hoping to use my mind and focus on other, more healthy, happy activities that set my life on a better, creative and business path.
     
  5. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story @littlekegger - I'm sure this 'want' to be a female is normal behaviour. Women can dress as men, wearing jeans, t-shirts, sneakers etc but men can't wear women's clothes. We get called sissies, or gay or weirdos just for wanting to wear female attire.
    I do find it interesting that pantyhose and heels were worn by men centuries ago, just look at the artworks of painters like Rembrandt and other great masters from that era! The man in these artworks were dressed in what is classed as female attire today! Somewhere in history clothing changed and so did the attitude to who wore what!
     
    BravelyKegger likes this.
  6. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    Day 6.
    Thanks again for the comment and sharing your story insights @Jefe Rojo - I love this quote "PMO is PMO, MO to fetishes IS PMO" - It's so simple because it's so true. Will keep reminding myself of this as my journey continues.

    Like you I have too took my fetish into the realms of buying underwear, tights and heels wearing them, then throwing them away in disgust! Waste of time, energy and money!!!
     
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  7. Buying and wearing woman's underwear around the house was something I would do also in order to keep myself sexually stimulated. Stockings also. I'd buy them, wear them once or twice, and throw them out. Buy some more and throw those out also. Also had gay fantasies.

    All fading away now as I move away from the PMO life.
     
  8. i totally agree
     
  9. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story as well. Your final sentence is very encouraging. Much appreciated. Thank you HopeForBrightFuture.
     
  10. @HopeForBrightFuture has been with me from the beginning. He’s a great person to have on your side. He’s also an example of someone with our same issues that has put it 128 days in the past. You’re a great example Hope! You give us hope for a bright future :)
     
  11. You’re welcome. One big thing I’m learning is we can’t go it alone. We need the help of others. @Healed! has been a big help to me here as well as others. Also I certainly haven’t “arrived” at some higher plateau. I’m still on the same level as day zero guys. I’m fully aware I can get knocked down at anytime if I’m not careful.
     
  12. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    This is both a comforting thought and a scary one too. But you're right, it's easy to fall back into old habits! Staying focused and following the right path is a choice. Just as going down the seedy route to gratification is also a choice.

    Having a group of well mannered friends here is the best medicine, so thank you @HopeForBrightFuture for being honest and for staying true. @Healed! I'll be looking you up now ;-)
     
    Jefe Rojo and Deleted Account like this.
  13. You’re absolutely right @HopeForBrightFuture . We can’t do this alone. The strength I’ve received from you and others has been an essential part of my recovery. And you have the right attitude about your recovery - we have to be constantly vigilant or we will fall back down. I’m hoping to keep that same mentality throughout the rest of my life. It’s when we think that we are cured and that we don’t need help anymore and that we can let our guard down. That is a recipe for disaster and disappointment. This very thing happened to me and it came back with a vengeance. Never again. If I disappear from NoFap it will be because I’m physically ill or I am dead. Call me extreme but it’s the only way I know I can stay mindful about this addiction.
     
  14. Abetterbrain

    Abetterbrain Fapstronaut

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    Your teacher wore stockings and suspenders...nice!
     
  15. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    I was 4-5 ;-)
    I had no idea what they were but my little boy brain was excited!
     
  16. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    I wanted to add this post here as I wrote it over a year ago and found it today - It's a great (edited) piece I wrote during one of my Morning Pages sessions (Dated: Friday 24th November 2017) (Click for more info on Morning pages)

    Anyway I wanted to add it here as it gives me so much clarity around my habits on masturbation, crossdressing, porn...

    Good morning! Yesterday was not a good day. I let myself down by going to a crap massage place. I should of gone home instead of wasting my money. Lesson learned. Don’t do this again. Change my behaviour. So what can I get into this morning? Let’s go deep on the whole dirty mindset. Why do I feel the need to get excited about having a massage with a happy ending? Is it that my DNA, my core being needs to have a sexual response? I don’t think so. It’s just I like the act of being caught wearing tights and sharing this obsession with someone, anyone. But why is this so important to me? I get a glimmer of arousal from it but it is all forced behaviour. I am forcing this out into the world. It’s not a natural emotion. I am the one trying to create the emotion. Instead of doing this, I should ‘go through the thing I hate to do, and still do it’ - in this case, suppress the feelings, SUFFER THE FEELING of wanting to do a smutty act. "On the other side of these ‘horny feelings' is where greatness lies" Don't act. Feel the horny feeling, let it go through me. Just be myself. Tell the horny voice in my head to fuck off. Fuck off and stop bothering me. I ain’t your pussy bitch any more. You’ve pushed me around for way too long, decades in fact. FUCKING DECADES!!! That’s 40 years. How much abuse can I take from this fucked up little voice in my head. If this was a real relationship with a real person I would packed up my shit and got away years ago, but no, I’ve been the slave to this fucking voice, making me waste my time, energy and money to play with my dick and just ‘feel horny’. Well it’s fucking about time I learned to control my little voice, learned to control my mind.
    The nagging negative critic’s voice in my mind I gave my father’s name, but this horny little voice is something different. I need to give him a name too. How about Mark. Yes, let’s call him Mark. Because this is where a lot of my memories stem back to. Playing around with Mark when I was a kid, no younger than my little daughter is right now. How could my little brain be so hard wired to be rude with Mark at such a young, innocent age. It baffles me how this all happened. It should of been a time of such childhood joy, exploration and excitement but this is where it is so screwed up. I was supposed to be playing with toys, not playing with my cock and his cock. I not blaming anyone here. I’m accepting what I/we did but it is so upsetting knowing that an innocent child was exposed to this kind of behaviour at such a young and impressionable age. If I look at pictures of myself, I was a sweet and beautiful looking boy. I had a great sense of humour and I loved just being funny. How on earth was all this young excitement and curiosity knocked out of me? I don’t recall ever having a great relationship with my dad. I don’t recall him wanting to do anything with me. I’d go to work with him but that was as close a relationship that I got with him. He never hugged me or did anything that I can honestly recall that showed me that he had any close relationship with me. He favoured my brother so much more over me.
    Over the years I’ve just come to terms with it and I guarantee this is where this sexual ‘perversion’ behaviour comes from; wanting to be observed, needed, connected with another human with genuine interaction. It does make sense when I write it down but it makes no sense logically. Just as some people don’t even have a father or a mother, they make the most of their lives. They find passions that fulfil their needs and wants out of life. I don’t need to fill my void of wanting to be ‘loved’ by playing with myself, no I could take this sexual energy and put it to much better use. But what could that be? It is a habitual behaviour, and addictive behaviour, that needs a diversion of thinking, a replacement of energy to do something else. It has to be something where I get some kind of gratification. Now is the point where I flip this thing on its head and go inside. Write my story. Don’t look outside for answers. Go inside like Goggins says. This is where I need to be when these thoughts and feeling arise. Don’t look for external stimulus. Go inside and understand what’s happening. How do I take this and turn it on its head? It’s an energy that needs to be released. Educate myself. Read up on how to turn sexual energy into a positive force. Exercise builds up testosterone. But then I need to release this testosterone. How best do that. Research this.
    I have spent my whole life being inspired to keep my mental energy alive. I then get frustrated when things don’t go my way and this is when Mark kicks in. He tempts me with sexual images and feelings to self soothe my wounds of frustration. Then these words run through my thoughts "Play with yourself, go on, unzip your jeans, pull your cock out, dress up in ladies tights, stockings, suspenders and high heels, have a horny wank, go on, it’s fun. You’ve earned this. Let’s do this together. No-one needs to know. It’s our dirty little secret. Just like a fucking pervy paedophile says to his victims. But enough is enough.
    Dear Mark, it not me, it’s you. For the record, don’t call, you write, I want nothing more to do with you. Let me find a way to deal with my frustrations in a more calming and self loving way. Not with food, not with sexual actions, maybe just sit. Sit down. Switch off. Mediate, yes meditate. Flick the switch on the thoughts that serve to send me off track. If my thoughts can upend me, then I can upend my thoughts. Learn to control your mind. (Positive) Mind control has been used by thousands of people, Emotional Content, is what Bruce Lee called it. Have I ever researched this term? I don’t think so. I need a coffee!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
  17. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    So today, day 17, I'm still OK with not watching porn, but I really want to put on some tights and high heels. My balls feel like they are about to explode and so I want to dress up and give myself some sort of thrill, without PMO. I just want to enjoy the feeling of dressing up, but I believe this will not be a healthy thing to do. I'm writing on here so that I can keep my hands and mind busy, hence off loading my thoughts into this little box. I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I'll just keep typing nonetheless. I have a couple of sexual habits that I believe I need to over come the first is a love for nylon. I'm constantly walking around looking for women in short skirts, wearing tights (pantyhose) and high heels. This is an everyday trigger that I want to lay to rest so to speak but boy is it hard! I think I need to walk around with blinkers on like a horse to stop me eyeing up the thing that turns me on! Secondly is the want to wear nylon and heels. I love the feeling of nylon on my legs. I'd love to talk to women about this, wearing tights, to get their normal everyday perspective on wearing a simple item of clothing for them. Somehow to desensitise myself and get a proper perspective from their POV. Sorry if I'm on a weird talkative rant but I just want to get these thoughts out of my head. Thanks for listening, whoever you are.
     
  18. Good to get that stuff out in the open.

    My suggestion is keep your eyes looking down at the ground if you have to when women are around. And don’t think, “I’m not going to look at women and nylons” because right there you’re thinking about women and nylons.

    Concentrate, focus, and dwell on the reason why you went out of the house in the first place. What was your goal in leaving the house? How can you be more efficient in reaching your goal? Choose something else you’re going to think about when tempted.

    The other, forget about talking to women about their experiences with stockings and high heels. Instead if you’re going to talk to them, have the conversation about nothing external. Have it about what they enjoy doing. What their work is. About how their handling the slow dreary days of winter. Something, anything other than the physical.

    That’s my suggestion. Remember, I used to do the nylons and women’s undies. I know exactly how you feel. I used to think, “Why aren’t men allowed to wear these without ridicule? These are comfortable!”.

    We need to concentrate on other things in life. Things deeper than the physical. Move past those fetishes. You coming in today is a great thing. Keep coming and getting support.
     
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  19. Hey Cosmic, sounds like you’re struggling today. Stay strong! Fetishes are P! You can’t go wear those things without it negativity affecting you. I used to tell myself that I could just wear adult diapers under my clothes, no one would know and besides it wasn’t so bad. Plus they were comfortable and convenient. The same would go with women’s underwear. Every time I did this I ended up MO ing over and over again and would spiral downward. You can’t modify your fetish to make it part of your everyday life. It won’t work - don’t believe that lie! They aren’t who you are. Be true to your “real” self. Remember that your mind will go anywhere it needs to in order to get that dopamine hit. If you feed your fetish it will only grow stronger and it will become more devient. Stay strong. I agree with @HopeForBrightFuture in that you should not talk to ladies about wearing their apparel. It will only fuel the fire and their words will be pornography to your mind. Stay far away from all of this. Go for a run, take a cold shower. Do something to take your mind off from this! Please PM me if you need additional support.
     
  20. cosmicology

    cosmicology Fapstronaut

    @HopeForBrightFuture @Jefe Rojo thanks for keeping me on the right path. I've not done anything today to be ashamed of. I've stayed true to myself. I'm so grateful for your insights guys and the words of powerful wisdom that you've been able to give me. @HopeForBrightFuture knowing you had the same arousing actions and thoughts previously as I do now is so helpful to me in this regard.

    I'm all good. I'm happy to say I've not been tempted to dress up. You guys are the best. Thank you so much.
     
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