Here goes nothing, my journey and decent

JKD0331

JKD0331

Fapstronaut
For starters, I am married for 16 years and have 3 children. I have been watching porn since the start of the internet. Back when dialup was a thing. It started simple and as the years progressed it just got progressively worst. In recent years I was looking at P multiple times a day. No really getting off on it but to build up the excitement for later. I needed more and more to keep getting the same level. Started doing poppers (basically huffing) to try and get that extra edge. I have been going outside my marriage (I am bi so was gay actions) to try and act out the things I was seeing in P. I have neglected my wife and family and really need to turn my focus on them.
To be clear, my wife knows about everything. She is hurt but still standing by my side. She knows I joined this group to hopefully find some kind of support system that understands the struggles.
She is at the store right now. This would normally be the time I would lock myself in the bedroom and fall down a rabbit hole of P and poppers. Since I just joined this yesterday I decided to instead jump on here and write my first "journal". I really hope this site can be a good resource to turn to when I'm struggling to turn my thoughts toward my wife and not P.
 
Thanks for sharing. I think it's good you want to improve as a husband and father. How did this revelation come about, did you come clean to your wife or was there an incident where she found something out?

I think the key to progress here is to avoid the sort of pornography and fantasy that has led to you going outside your marriage. My advice would be that if you fuck up and end up looking at porn, avoid the porn that feeds those fantasies. Set yourself hard boundaries for when you struggle or lapse so that you don't go all the way off the rails.

Another piece of advice is to stay honest. You've said your wife knows you're on here but don't let it become something performative. Be as honest as you can with yourself, with your wife, and any support groups. Once you start hiding and concealing the little slips, you end up hiding the bigger ones too. It's unlikely you'll be reformed overnight, so set yourself realistic goals, and be open to taking accountability when you fall short of them.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
Thanks for sharing. I think it's good you want to improve as a husband and father. How did this revelation come about, did you come clean to your wife or was there an incident where she found something out?

I think the key to progress here is to avoid the sort of pornography and fantasy that has led to you going outside your marriage. My advice would be that if you fuck up and end up looking at porn, avoid the porn that feeds those fantasies. Set yourself hard boundaries for when you struggle or lapse so that you don't go all the way off the rails.

Another piece of advice is to stay honest. You've said your wife knows you're on here but don't let it become something performative. Be as honest as you can with yourself, with your wife, and any support groups. Once you start hiding and concealing the little slips, you end up hiding the bigger ones too. It's unlikely you'll be reformed overnight, so set yourself realistic goals, and be open to taking accountability when you fall short of them.
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I would say was combination of both. She found out I went out of marriage(not the first time has been a struggle for years). I started counseling as we saw the action as a compulsive behavior. On recent solo trip ( were I back slid ALOT) I was driving home and a realization (coupled with so much shame and regret I cried). It dawned on me that porn is the largest single thing that drives my thoughts to act out.
 
JKD0331 said:
I would say was combination of both. She found out I went out of marriage(not the first time has been a struggle for years). I started counseling as we saw the action as a compulsive behavior. On recent solo trip ( were I back slid ALOT) I was driving home and a realization (coupled with so much shame and regret I cried). It dawned on me that porn is the largest single thing that drives my thoughts to act out.
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I think it's good you've identified this as a specific trigger yourself. Getting caught can be a good catalyst but it can't be the sole reason or you won't be truly motivated to quit for yourself.
 
You are definitely in one of the right places to help you in your fight with this, and you have already put some of the hardest parts in action - the honesty with your wife. There will be good days and bad days but you can do this with support. Shout if you need anything on here.
 
Definitely work with a therapist, use NoFap, go to SAA meetings. NoFap is a powerful tool but it is only one of the tools we need in our arsenal to get and stay sober.
 
Just an update. Day 9 I have good and bad days. This morning was particularly difficult. Ended up doing a full body workout in the garage. The hardest times are when my wife leaves the house. Finding something to occupy my mind at those moments is difficult. I have been very close to caving. There was another user that has a discord server for accountability. There only 4 people in it. The problem was i un-installed discord cause most of my P was on there. Same thing with X and reddit. Getting on there and leaving the multitude of servers i used to follow was very difficult.
Anyways until next time.
 
JKD0331 said:
Just an update. Day 9 I have good and bad days. This morning was particularly difficult. Ended up doing a full body workout in the garage. The hardest times are when my wife leaves the house. Finding something to occupy my mind at those moments is difficult. I have been very close to caving. There was another user that has a discord server for accountability. There only 4 people in it. The problem was i un-installed discord cause most of my P was on there. Same thing with X and reddit. Getting on there and leaving the multitude of servers i used to follow was very difficult.
Anyways until next time.
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Good job navigating those triggers. It's good also that you left the servers rather than just avoided looking at them. Really a show of commitment to quitting.
 
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