Here goes nothing

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Katrina Rose, Jan 21, 2018.

  1. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    I have to say the past 8 months I have felt more lonely and more down on myself than ever. Which is odd considering I live with my bf.
    In the very beginning he used to kiss me. I mean really kiss me. He used to tell me I was beautiful. He used to always want to be close to me.
    The PIED has always been there in our relationship so we don't even attempt sex. At least he doesn't. I gave up even thinking about it months ago after I had a breakdown due to blaming and hating myself for so long.
    We're roommates. Sleeping in the same bed. But I'm not me, and he's not him. In a sense we're just shells of ourselves due to this addiction.
    It started out as a joke. I'd playfully tease him about his time in the bathroom. But then I realized it was an every day thing. 2 hours I'd lie I bed alone every morning while he worshipped his tablet in the bathroom.
    At this point I cry every morning. So hard it hurts. I can't sleep at night because I'm anticipating the pain the morning brings.
    I have felt so broken. To the point suicide crossed my mind. I'm in so much pain.
    I'm so thankful to come across this platform. Just a few hours ago I felt defeated and helpless. Talking to some of you, reading your experiences has given me strength and a little hope.
    He won't likely quit for me. And that's a devastating thought.
    I've been so supportive and patient. Up until yesterday. I can no longer control the anger stemming from the hurt.
    How can I love someone so much and be so disgusted with them.
    How can someone love me so much and be so oblivious and uncaring.
    I'm trying my best.
    I wish i would have found you guys sooner. Maybe I could've worked through my hurt differently.
    I'm just glad i have you now, no matter what happens.
    Deleted Account and anewhope like this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the forum.
    I'm sorry you are hurting.
    My SO suffered from PIED.
    I understand why you feel like you do.
    It's like nothing else.
    Realizing it's everyday is incredibly difficult.
    Is he ready to talk to you about it yet? Please let us know if you have any questions.
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is awful. Glad you found us, though.
  4. You’re in the right place with a whole lot of people who understand EXACTLY what you are dealing with and going through!

    Hang in there! You are stronger than you think. And please please take care of YOU!
  5. Loveless

    Loveless Fapstronaut

    I have been agonizing over these questions myself. I am very sorry that this is your situation. The pain in your post is devastating.
    It sounds like your SO is entirely in the grasp of addiction. Please do not hate yourself over this. This situation is in no way your fault.
    He has to decide that he wants to be a better man for himself and for you. To move forward in life together with you. That he has not made that decision yet is very painful. I hope he will make that decision for himself and for you soon.
    In the meantime, there are people here on this forum whose advice and experiences have really helped me and who can help you too. My porn addicted spouse had no perspective. He said porn is only a problem if I make it one. He blamed me for his addiction and for our unhappiness. That was the language of addiction. And he still uses it. People here have helped me to put things into perspective when my SO had none. Porn addiction can be very isolating for us partners of addicts. We often don't talk to anyone about this stuff but our addicted partners. Seeing a therapist has been helpful for me, as has reading and posting here. I hope it can be helpful for you as well. Please take care of yourself and know that others appreciate you and the things you do.
    Kenzi and TryingHard2Change like this.
  6. @Kenzi hey its a humble request but you can definitely guide her further as your story is of struggle & hustling through it to 2 years of abstinence with maintaining a good work-life-family-marital balance!! I know it had its ups & down & you do have them now sometimes but you're a strong woman, a mother, a wife, a friend & an inspiration !! Thank you & cheers !! :)
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much...
    And I'm here and happy to help @Katrina Rose, if you want.
    You can always PM me if you like that better.
    I hope you have a better tomorrow
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you're going through this but I can tell you from experience, that being here with people who know exactly what you're going though, makes such a difference. You're not alone!
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.

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