HERE I AM

[Chronically_Distracted]

Well here I am, feeling the weight of my addiction slowly pulling me down inside myself until I’m lost again. I came to this place, probably like a lot of you have, running from a shameful moment. I’m grateful for what I’ve found so far as it has grounded me for the moment. I’ve been on my “journey” with recovery for about 4 years now. Starting with a major rock bottom moment and an attempt on my own life, I found major progress in the form of a costly in-patient intensive, heavy therapy, and 12 step, AT FIRST. I’ve become aware of myself to a degree, healed some wounds, refrained from some behaviors, and seen some growth as a person, but still here I am. My addiction to pornography started to formulate around the age of 12. I had already been just looking at porn for a few years but not masturbating. Middle school began and so did the social pressures of being seen by girls, which I did poorly at, then I really started pouring more and more of myself in to viewing the girls that made me “feel seen”. Finally decided to try jerking off, and from that day on I was hooked deep. It began with fantasy, continued to sexual misbehavior, and culminated in cheating, binge dating/one night stands, and SURPRISE compulsive overuse of porn. 5-6 times a day sometimes 8 if my body could handle it, so it’s no small wonder I have ED at 29 years old. I’m married now to a good woman who carries her own share of pain and relationship baggage, who was with me at rock bottom and who has stayed by my side through more slips than I can count following that bottom. I’ve stopped physically cheating, I’ve stopped sexting/chatrooms, I’ve stopped seeking other women’s attention to the point that now I can’t converse with them comfortably as people, but I haven’t been able to quit my porn viewing behaviors and to help create the love environment we both deserve. HERE. I. AM.

 

[Robindale]

Glad you’re here, glad you have the support of your wife, and glad you’ve taken so many of those steps of recovery, for which you should be proud and applauded. It is a long journey, of progress not perfection, and you have journeyed a long way already. May you find support here and from others in your real world to reach that next horizon. You can do it. Best wishes.

 

[1amth3l1ght]

Well here I am, feeling the weight of my addiction slowly pulling me down inside myself until I’m lost again. I came to this place, probably like a lot of you have, running from a shameful moment. I’m grateful for what I’ve found so far as it has grounded me for the moment. I’ve been on my “journey” with recovery for about 4 years now. Starting with a major rock bottom moment and an attempt on my own life, I found major progress in the form of a costly in-patient intensive, heavy therapy, and 12 step, AT FIRST. I’ve become aware of myself to a degree, healed some wounds, refrained from some behaviors, and seen some growth as a person, but still here I am. My addiction to pornography started to formulate around the age of 12. I had already been just looking at porn for a few years but not masturbating. Middle school began and so did the social pressures of being seen by girls, which I did poorly at, then I really started pouring more and more of myself in to viewing the girls that made me “feel seen”. Finally decided to try jerking off, and from that day on I was hooked deep. It began with fantasy, continued to sexual misbehavior, and culminated in cheating, binge dating/one night stands, and SURPRISE compulsive overuse of porn. 5-6 times a day sometimes 8 if my body could handle it, so it’s no small wonder I have ED at 29 years old. I’m married now to a good woman who carries her own share of pain and relationship baggage, who was with me at rock bottom and who has stayed by my side through more slips than I can count following that bottom. I’ve stopped physically cheating, I’ve stopped sexting/chatrooms, I’ve stopped seeking other women’s attention to the point that now I can’t converse with them comfortably as people, but I haven’t been able to quit my porn viewing behaviors and to help create the love environment we both deserve. HERE. I. AM.

Welcome - you are in the right place and you're heading in the right direction!

You are blessed to have a wife that fights this with you, it makes the battle more bearable. Start today by removing all those things from your life.
You will notice how much less socially awkward you will be when you quit porn. It's very liberating.

I could not look people in the eyes, despite being an extrovert but since quitting porn after 24 years, I am now so comfortable in conversations with strangers - especially women who are strangers.

You can do this!

 

[Chronically_Distracted]

Welcome - you are in the right place and you're heading in the right direction!

You are blessed to have a wife that fights this with you, it makes the battle more bearable. Start today by removing all those things from your life.
You will notice how much less socially awkward you will be when you quit porn. It's very liberating.

I could not look people in the eyes, despite being an extrovert but since quitting porn after 24 years, I am now so comfortable in conversations with strangers - especially women who are strangers.

You can do this!

Man, that is so encouraging to hear. I was an extremely extroverted child and fairly so once the early puberty awkwardness wore off, was using porn regularly still but the longer I’ve looked at porn the worse it has gotten.
I hate it because it not only makes regular conversation hard but tough conversation feels almost impossible. Definitely recognizing more and more ways porn has become such a hinderance to my life.

It’s funny, I had football coach who was very strong in his faith, and I still remember him giving us a speech before practice, as he usually did, but this one about using Pornography and the dangers it held to our well being, spiritual and physical.
We all took it as some piety (I’m from the heart of the Bible Belt) mixed with old man worries. Little did I know how right he was…

 

[1amth3l1ght]

Man, that is so encouraging to hear. I was an extremely extroverted child and fairly so once the early puberty awkwardness wore off, was using porn regularly still but the longer I’ve looked at porn the worse it has gotten.
I hate it because it not only makes regular conversation hard but tough conversation feels almost impossible. Definitely recognizing more and more ways porn has become such a hinderance to my life.

It’s funny, I had football coach who was very strong in his faith, and I still remember him giving us a speech before practice, as he usually did, but this one about using Pornography and the dangers it held to our well being, spiritual and physical.
We all took it as some piety (I’m from the heart of the Bible Belt) mixed with old man worries. Little did I know how right he was…

I must agree, I have an accountability partner and he's a more devout Christian than I am but we've been sharing our successes and some bible verses and it really does help a lot, even if you are not that religious.

The most important thing is that you remind yourself constantly why you want to stop and to not give in.
It's probably one of the hardest things you will ever do.

This addiction is like being hungry but refusing to give your body sustenance. Some days it actually physically hurts but once you push through that barrier of letting your mind control your body, it becomes so much easier.