Here out of huge realizations and hope

Hi, i am a 35 year old male, im here obviously because i have a porn addiction that has finally caught up with me and I have to face it now. Im just gunna put out my story here, and hope that this helps me overcome this addiction.

I have used pornography regularly since i was a teenager, it has slowly become more and more frequent and a larger yet more secretive part of my life.

For the last 6 years i use it between 2 and 5 times a day, when its really bad. Now im at the point where i have introduced poppers into the mix, and its totally got me to a point were i cant pretend its ok anymore.
Porn and jerking off are pretty much my go to for anything, happy sad bored angry, it takes it all away for a while.
I am a good looking guy, and i dont struggle to attract partners, but this addiction has always been more comfortable usually.
The final straw happened over this last weekend were i was in a sexual situation with real humans, and my body became numb and i couldnt get aroused at all.
I had to leave that situation in a fair amount of embarrasement and i felt very alienated from the other people because of it.
I have spent the last 4 days processing through everything in my life, and this was one of the things that became an obvious problem that I cannot ignore anymore.

So happy to be finally in a space were i can deal with this addiction that i have ignored for so many years.

Ash

 

T

Thanks for the wise words jefe, those are good questions i need to keep asking myself, I will share with you some of my thoughts and feelings right now, maybe you could shed some light as to my current position. The initial failure to perform was def my catalyst, It was the thing that awakened me to the dull self denial about it, I also feel a sense of sadness and feel how this wall has been built up and around me with this, i want intimacy, feeling and love back sexually, and the porn addiction, which has become more of a monster now with heavy use of poppers, has been emotionally removing that from my life. In the last 6 months especially i have become more withdrawn and less motivated to connect with people on any level, and the feequency has increased. Im at the stage where work and porn is the only things i have around me. I have begun talking to people around me personally about it, as honestly as I can, and the shame of it is small now compared with my desperate feelings that a life continued in this way will end me. I love people naturally and to be connected is where i am at my best. I feel like this realization now is a good thing, as i have life left to give, and i dont want to waste anymore life in this way of being.