Here we go again SOs, should the addict disclose his addiction or hide it?

There are just so many women who stay with a PA after finding out he's a PA because they are in love with him that it makes PAs not want to tell up front. That's the bottom line. It's not the right thing to do, but it's often how things play out.

 

I remember a certain girl in knew in university, who was a lot of fun to be with. We were good friends, and we'd often act goofy around campus together. We got closer and closer, until one day she told me she was interested in me romantically, and would like to have a relationship.

"But," she said, "there is something I think you need to know before we take this to the next level."

Then she told me about her drug use (which I was aware of), but also things like ex-boyfriends, an affair she had with a married man, and also of her sexual past, none of which I was aware of. Some of those things I just did not feel comfortable with, and after a long time thinking about whether I could accept them and put them aside or not, I decided against it.

Here's the point - I told her face-to-face why, she appreciated my honesty, and we stayed goofy friends. My wife and I still occasionally meet up with her when we're in her part of the world, and we have genuinely fond memories of our time together.

I have nothing but respect for how honest she was and how courageous she was. Because, on the other hand, I was a PA, and I didn't mention anything about that to her. Or, indeed, my wife-to-be, when I met her a few years later. And PMO is a sexual issue - it's an addiction, every bit as compulsive as some of the things she told me about herself.

Thinking about it, that really is in a way true love, that you would be willing to lose a chance with someone, rather than hurt them at some point way down the line. PMO makes us so selfish.

So, if I ever had to advise a young man or woman now, I'd honestly tell them that full disclosure would be the best way to go - it's a sign of good intentions, and that whatever is in the past doesn't come back to hurt the other person later.

 

They are perfectly capable of checking out of the relationship, even if they don't/can't leave the house and family (as others have noted above). In some ways, that will be worse for the PA, too, if he actually cares about the SO. "Not alone but lonely" is a terrible place to be.

 

oops, I responded to a very early post, without reading most of the thread. I had no idea this thread was so long! It's only 2 weeks old.

 

I want to offer another reason guys may not tell their SO up front about their compulsion to watch porn: they feel it's unfair that they have the compulsion to begin with. This is the way I feel. I know that the odds are, if I was a woman, I would not have the compulsion to view porn. I feel it's very unfair that something I did not choose, my gender, has to do with having the compulsion. I've always been a good person who didn't get into trouble. I didn't get into alcohol, I didn't get into drugs, I didn't get into any kind of crime. The same with my sisters. But porn is not something you have to go looking for, so to speak. The "drug" is in your head. The only difference between me and my sisters is I am a guy. They, as women, are lucky that all they have to do is be "themselves" and they have no "bad" compulsions. I, unfortunately, get hooked on porn because I am a guy. Do all guys get hooked on porn? Of course not. But I can't get over the mathematical fact that, if I was a woman, the odds are that I would not be hooked on porn.

I ask everyone here, name one thing that women primarily do that men do not primarily do, that women are shamed for doing.

 

Life isn't fair. There are so many things that aren't fair but whining about it won't change that. Is it fair that as a child I was diagnosed with diabetes? Is it fair that I've been in pain my whole life? Those things were uncontrollable by me. Is if fair that I got into drug use? I don't see it as unfair or fair. I did it partly because of my pain and my anxiety, but I brought the addiction onto myself, I blame no one or nothing for them. By your logic I could say that it isn't my fault, it is outside of my control. It isn't your gender that led you to PA. Stop blaming everything else and take some responsibility. There are female PA too. I would be willing to bet there are more then the statistics show because unlike men, women are shamed about porn use while it is 'normal' for men. Every guy does it. If you feel shame at in looking at porn maybe that is coming from inside you instead of the outside.

 

We women are shamed for having sex while unmarried.

having children out of wedlock, not having children when married.

Having infertility problems.
Not having “natural” childbirth.

Being stay at home moms as we are just sucking everything from the man and being lazy.

Choosing to work and not being there for kids if you are married.

Choosing to not have kids at all.

Using birth control or having choices over our own bodies and reproductive systems.

Anything we Ware is wrong, to much of a prude or plain Jane or slut.

Should I continue going on or is that enough to start with.

 

Always be honest upfront, if they want to still stay it's there choice. Lying to them, you are making a choice for them and that's manipulative.

Tell the truth.

That's all, there are no other explanations needed. Period.

 

Eating disorders. It is normally women that are affected by them. You are shamed for eating 'too much' and shamed for not eating enough. We are shamed for being heavy or thin. There are many other things too, Jennica covered some so I will not repeat them.
I hate this divide of Man vs Woman, why can't we support and help each other? Why does it have to be this vs that?

 

@Numb Thank you for mentioning eating disorders, I was going to say that as well! Women are shamed for many many things...we women can never be "good enoug" by societies standards.

 

One reason I’m an Atheist, I let go of the Catholic shame game many years ago but I have certainly retained a healthy moral compass through my adult life.

 

Me too, Irish Roman Catholic the family tradition.