Here we go!

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by forreallife, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. forreallife

    forreallife Fapstronaut

    This is probably a familiar story to many, but I am not satisfied with the compulsive way I look at porn. Want to start the process of bringing some light on the topic and need a place of accountability. I live in a small town and have a job where I am a public leader....hard to feel safe even talking to a counselor about it.

    I don't think I am a sex addict....I look at soft core porn roughly every other day (although sometimes every day in streaks) for usually about five minutes, come, and then close down that tab and do whatever is next (fall asleep, read, etc.). My habit has not really changed in years and years. All that said, I don't want to look at porn. I go to it especially when I am stressed or bored, do the program above, and that's that.

    Been married for 16 years. Wife has much lower sex drive than me. We have talked about our different drives and have sex once per week. Our sex is really good, and I often times find myself wishing I could just have that be my only outlet.

    I just want to feel more in control. More whole. More integral. And I want to try this. Thanks for reading. Really. This feels good being here....
    Unas likes this.
  2. Unas

    Unas Fapstronaut

    Hey forreallife,

    welcome to the board. You can already give yourself a credit for registering and wanting to improve your life, especially in regards to your significant other, you are doing this not only for yourself but also for your wife - a praiseworthy reason and motivation. I think, if you change maybe the habit you mentioned and replace it by something else, you will find yourself doing a lot of reflection on your current situation - including the past and the possible future. At least, this is what I experienced. One seems to return to the "true life" by leaving these virtual spaces.

    This is a beautiful wish and I assure you that this dream can become true if you replace this little habit that may have a greater impact than we sometimes assume. Your wife will notice your changes.

    I wish you the very best and hope you find strength and some useful advice around here.

    All the best!
  3. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    I hear you.

    My wife has a lower sex drive too. Also, she has the arousal stages reversed. Instead of:

    1-sex ideas and thinking about doing it
    2-physical stimuli
    3-sex to orgasms

    My wife is 2-1-3. She needs physical arousal to realize she wants sex. But she knew about my addiction, so she wasn't too fond on giving me more sex anyway.

    Now that I stopped watching porn and masturbation, she is the only outlet. It is sometimes freaky, as there is only one provider. But a lot of bonding behaviors re-enforce love and lead to more physical contact.

    For your wife, watch this very good video:

    Trust me, now that I have more sex, like 2-3 times a week, I'm still thinking about the next encounter...seems like the thirst is VERY HARD to quench.

    Apparently, Karezza is the solution, where bonding sex (without orgasm) trumps matting's a very hard selll, but I'm wiling to try it when my wife will be more opened to it.
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    Whether it's sex or porn or food or alcohol or drugs, all addicts use these items to change our emotional state. We feel emotional discomfort and our brains have learned that we can feel better if we PMO. Sometimes we find comfort in the ritual. Sometimes we have an additional obsession and we need to complete a certain 'act' before we can proceed with our day. Sometimes it's merely getting our 'hit' of brain chemicals to calm our nerves or energize us when we're depressed. Others go into 'auto-pilot' mode and binge on their object of addiction for hours and while they're in this altered mental state they find relief because they are feeling no pain while binging. Part of your recovery will involve identifying which of these processes are you taking advantage of and then replace it with a healthier alternative.

    Often porn/sex addiction is unrelated to the number of times we have sex with our wives. Addiction is an emotional problem, not a sexual one. People who have a porn/sex addiction think that more sex will solve the problem, or we might wish our wives would be more (fill in the blank), but even when we get exactly what we want our addiction does not diminish or go away. I wish you success on your journey.
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  5. forreallife

    forreallife Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for this note. Wow and yes! She is a huge part of this. So grateful for your response...
  6. forreallife

    forreallife Fapstronaut

    Thank you so, so much for seeing this connection. Wow. This reply means a lot to me...
  7. forreallife

    forreallife Fapstronaut

    A very gracious reply... I attended SA a bunch about ten years ago when I first started looking at porn at work and was worried about this change in behavior. Have struggled with adopting the word for myself, but need to do some soul searching. Regardless, your words are on point. For me it is definitely getting the "hit" and then getting away from it. This is not holistic behavior in that I do not leave the experience grateful, only gratified. Thanks for responding and the encouragement to susbstitute behaviors.

    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  8. forreallife

    forreallife Fapstronaut

    Thanks. It was a big moment for us to simply put the math out there and realize that I could have sex every day and she...well, not so much. Oddly enough, scheduling our sex actually really helped. My wife has the same 2-1-3...and so I can't just assume there is going to be spontaneous I have provoked for myself in the past with porn and masturbation.

    Anyway, I really, really appreciate your post. Am going to start a challenge today!

  9. RonTheBear

    RonTheBear Fapstronaut

    Hey forreallife, welcome and thanks for sharing. My addiction has been similar to yours, sometimes I would look every day sometimes there would be a few days or a week or so in between. Usually just to watch for a couple minutes, come, and then move on, though there have been times in my lief where I binged as well. I'm also married, and have a wife with lower sex drive. I talked to my wife a while back when I decided to face the addiction head on, and told her that it's something I've struggled with for a long time. She was extremely supportive, and even told me that if we needed to have sex more since I was giving up my other "outlet" that she would try to accommodate.

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