Here's some weird s**t

I don't fap but I watch porn, mostly of girls touching themselves. I get a high off the sexual rise and tension until I can't control it any longer and then I turn it off. I don't fap to it because it gives me a rise not only getting that sexual power running through me but by not fapping it give me a power trip. Whenever you fap it makes you feel like you lost or that the woman has power over you because she made you loose control. I get off on the opposite. I might not be fapping but its still porn and the feeling is still addicting and its also impure for the mind. I don't know whether to classify this as vanilla or some really alternative dom fetish. Maybe someone else here can relate.