He's rebooting. I'm still hurt. Trying to detach from the pain, how do I not detach from partner?

First post here, though I've been here off and on over the years. I appreciate everyone on here who has shared experiences and support-- it has helped me through some dark times.

My bf and I were ready to get engaged. A little over a month ago I was pretty confident I wanted to marry this man. And now... who is he? Who am I?

Early on I noticed he had some addictive tendencies-- he has ADHD, depression, anxiety, and is an introvert-- the perfect candidate to get addicted to anything. Yet, he's incredibly handsome and charming, works in Sales, and nobody would EVER guess he was addicted to video games and porn, and possibly alcohol there for a bit (family history of this too). He didn't hide the gaming and I eventually made peace with it (he has now given this up too). The binge drinking led to some serious problems (drunk driving, not telling me where he was when he was out all night-- cue: my worrying and suspicion/feeling insignificant), and I became so triggered that I sometimes would also binge drink to soothe my own feelings of rejection, and to sometimes even "get back" at him (see? it's not fun not knowing where your SO is all night is it???). Terrible stuff. We were different people then, and in the almost 3 years we've been together (living together for 2.5 years and friends before dating for years), we have made some great strides. We went to couples counseling and sorted through a lot of stuff. We both limit our drinking now, we have more open communication-- he makes sure to call and be responsive to texts when he's on a business trip now-- really simple, reasonable changes that led to almost a year of smooth-sailing, and HUGE gains for me in terms of trusting, respecting, understanding and just plain loving him.

The day we went engagement ring shopping I couldn't stop smiling for a week.

Around this time, he did also reveal his porn problem. I knew he watched on occasion but he assured me it was under control. I think our impending engagement made him want to give me all the information so that he could stop hiding and so that I could decide whether marrying an addict was something I could really handle. A smart move on his part. I applauded him. The news was heartbreaking, knowing that he lied over the years. It explained so many things: those times he was late meeting with me (doing what??), his lack of motivation, moodiness sometimes, his loss of interest in sex with me, his trouble with identifying and expressing feelings, problems with being empathetic, and sometimes just being downright selfish. But I thought-- he's a great man, with some flaws, I am very flawed too, so what? We work on it.

He inspired me by agreeing to go to counseling once a week with a man who specializes in Sex Addiction. I was so proud. Impatient, frustrated, hurt, but proud, and still so very much in love and excited about our future. He decided 90-day hard mode reboot was the way, and I agreed. I said I'd do it with him-- no P for me (not something I have watched much of since being with him), no M and no O, not even sex with each other. It was going to be OK though-- we were talking more honestly than ever before, and I knew I needed to be strong and supportive for him. I even called a counselor for myself bc I knew how quickly this would make me feel undervalued, unappreciated, unattractive, insignificant. I knew it was triggering me, and it had been for quite some time.

You see, when his sex drive dropped and our frequency reduced, we attributed it to everything else: no more "honeymoon phase," work stress, problems with drinking leading to us fighting, both of us being on libido-killing medications (ADHD meds for him and birth control for me), and sometimes just being too tired. We still had semi-regular sex-- what most of my married friends and cohabiting friends considered normal, so we left it alone.

But I had a nagging feeling. I had brought it up in counseling that he seemed less present at times, less affectionate, and I was worried that he didn't seem as attracted to me. He dismissed it (reasons above), and I thought well, maybe gaming, stress, etc. does that to your brain. And when I brought up P, he got defensive, insulted even that I would ask him if that's why he was getting up so early in the mornings to sit in his computer room.

I felt guilty. I should have been trusting him-- hadn't we worked things out in counseling? So I questioned myself. My own sanity. My self-esteem-- I just needed to be more confident. Side note: I do consider myself attractive. I am in my late 20s, I am healthy, I am a model and a local TV Host and reporter on the morning news. Part of my job is keeping up appearances. But my sex drive drops on the Pill and when I feel disconnected from my man. He's in his early 30s, and at times has said he just has a low libido, although he goes back and forth on this.

I think currently he has a low libido for me... but a very high one for women who aren't me, especially women of the fantasy kind.

And that's what did it. That's why I'm here. The other night he told me, "I'm not sure if I'm attracted to you anymore."

He is probably around Day 30 right now with no relapses as far as I know. We should be celebrating. But I am crying. Every day for a week. Alone, in the bathroom, and then I put concealer on because I don't to make myself even more unattractive to him. It's pitiful. I feel weak. I feel tempted to cheat. I won't even let myself get on social media, because being a public personality means that I DO have a lot of other options. Men message me all the time on social media-- and they think I'm beautiful, and I'm desirable to them, so sometimes I just think...

But I haven't cheated and am determined not to. I shared these fears with him after he told me he wasn't sure of his attraction for me. I told him I am not particularly attracted to him right now either-- after finding out about the lies, knowing something was off and feeling crazy, knowing that my distrust was totally warranted sometimes-- it's hard to feel like I want to be intimate. Plus, I'm scared to be too touchy-feely when he's trying to reboot. I managed to stay very supportive for the first 3 weeks of his reboot, but now I'm struggling. I barely spoke to him for days after he told me his fear-- he says he just wants to be honest with me, that he's worried about not being attracted to me, but he's not sure. He's not sure about anything right now. I did my best to be reassuring-- I told him that's probably normal-- his libido, his brain, everything is messed up right now while he reboots. I rallied, I said all the right things. But the next day I cried. And everyday since then it has been a battle. Being proud of him doesn't cut it anymore. I am getting help, I start counseling this week, and I'm researching, soul-searching.

I finally talked to him this morning, about the pain I felt. I sent him an article about "Porn-Induced Partner Trauma," which I will link once I find it. He read it and matter-of-factly said, "Well, I could see why you would feel this way. All I can do is apologize for not getting help sooner." OK. That was the first time he apologized. I asked if he was sorry about all the lying for the last few years. And he said, "Yea," harshly-- as if I stupid for even asking. That's all the support he can give me. That's all the empathy he has.

It hurts. So now what.

I have detached from him emotionally and physically in an effort to protect myself. I can't seem to initiate physical contact. I'm sure the attraction is there somewhere, but I can't feel it right now because being vulnerable to him = pain.

And some of these "bonding" activities that I want to do (we tried FANOS briefly but not consistently and right now are barely speaking), don't seem possible. I still like it when he tries to cuddle me, and I allow myself to be the small spoon at night, I still like it when he smacks my bottom affectionately, and he gave me a real hug the other day that he joked "gave him a boner." These are the things I'm holding on to right now. In my fog, in my confusion, and it's not much.

I need to hear that I am worth fighting for, that he loves me more than the P. That he wants to be with me, that he is attracted to me. That our talks of marriage and kids one day aren't forgotten and that we will get there.

I miss feeling like he's my best friend. I just want to be proud and supportive again, but I want him to want that too.

He's on the right track. He has been more attentive, more helpful around the house, he even seems happier sometimes. He does things for me. He reminds me more of who he was early on in dating. So if he's getting help, he's quitting P and pushing away the fantasy thoughts, why am I still so angry? How do I detach from the pain, but reconnect with my partner? What do I do when I feel like I can't touch him? Out of fear of rejection or fear of triggering a relapse during his reboot? I want him to do more (get an accountability partner, maybe join NoFap, initiate some of our conversations), but when I say anything to this effect, he gets angry-- like why can't I just appreciate that he's going to counseling once a week and he's trying? Is he right? Am I greedy?

I'm sorry this is so long. This is years of feeling crazy coming out. I hope someone, somewhere reads this.

 

Yes! Sorry I meant to post it sooner:

http://rebootblueprint.com/porn-induced-partner-trauma/

 

Hi @i_wanna_get_better1... First of all, I just need to say thank you. I have read quite a bit about your story and you have contributed so much to this forum in terms of sharing your experiences, tips, successes, etc. It is truly inspirational. Thank you thank you thank you for responding to my long, rambly post. It was so sad for me to realize "I am getting more support from strangers on the internet than my own SO right now." Man. What a pill to swallow. I believe that empathy is very hard for addicts, since they are lost in their own fog, and I think a certain level of confusion (especially while rebooting) is normal. But it still sucks to not be able to go to your SO for your needs. Thankfully, I start counseling this Thursday, and I will continue to post on here as a way to get the support I need and to share my journey.

Everything you said is so right. I really appreciated that you, a recovering addict, could validate how I feel. I know my SO just doesn't see it yet, and he typically blows off "how I feel" as this idea of-- well no person can ever truly KNOW how a person feels. Sure, this is true-- he will never know what it's like to be a woman in my shoes, processing a betrayal, processing the hurtful things he has said, and at the same time wanting to support and stand by him. No, he won't ever KNOW what I am going through-- but he can try. He can try to understand, and with the amount of time I have spent learning about his P addiction and his ADHD, I think he can spend a little bit of time and energy trying to learn more about what his partner is going through. Or just ask me, you know? Sometimes just asking your partner if they're ok when they seem distant can be all it takes-- that simple act of reaching out. That's all I wanted, but right now, if the only place I can get that from is an online support group, then I'll take it! This forum has helped me so much in my journey, and I just hope that I can contribute something to it too.

I am beginning to think about my boundaries. I will be spelling out what I would like to see in him/us, and what the consequences are if he doesn't meet those needs. I am scared though, because even though I know the boundaries are to protect ME, I don't want to start that "parent-child" dynamic where I'm "controlling" him. I have looked at a lot of these ladies' journals to see what they proposed to their partners and feel that I have an idea of what will be reasonable.

Do you have any advice on how to approach the issue so that the addict doesn't feel attacked or controlled? Even saying something as reasonable as "If you relapse and don't tell me, and it turns into you indulging in the addiction again, you must find a new place to live," sounds so threatening. I know I have to make that boundary and follow through but I guess I am scared. I'd hate to feel monitored like that. Maybe it just is what it is.

I think I'd also like to institute "You are not allowed to say you may not be attracted to me anymore..." unless you're sure that there is NOTHING else going on that could be leading you to think that (unresolved relationship problem), and you've literally woken up one morning just seeing me like a sister and you don't see us ever getting back to attraction. The way I see attraction is... it fluctuates. You cannot base your relationship on it or even take it too seriously at times because guess what-- when we fight, we're not attracted to each other... when he's drunk and mean, I am not attracted to him... one day if I get pregnant then have a child, he probably won't be very attracted to me while I'm pushing the child out of my lady parts and subsequently can't do much physically for weeks after or as my weight fluctuates... I don't know if that will speak to him, but my point is... his brain is MESSED up right now, he also just hurt me and the relationship badly... there are a multitude of reasons to not be particularly "attracted" to me, or for me to be attracted to him right now. I am here trying to just accept that as the process, and if I told him every time I wasn't attracted to him, I don't think he'd appreciate it. Part of this is us being very honest with each other, and sharing our truths even if it will hurt the partner... but maybe that one thing he said should just be off limits. I don't know.

I hope he gains some of the clarity you seem to have gained. I hope I gain some more too.

 

This is great. I noticed what you said about short conversations to be true for us. I'm longwinded (can you tell?), and I know it frustrates him. We both process by just "spewing" our thoughts out loud sometimes and this can lead to some trouble.

Also the worksheet-- thank you! The bit about explaining how these ideas will BENEFIT us is great. So spelling out the consequences, but also what he can do to help me, how it will (hopefully) rebuild the trust in our relationship. I'll post in the SOs group to see if they have more tips.

 

I completely understand. I need the apology- REAL apology. I need the action plan. I can empathize and understand him, but I can't get past his defensiveness. Even if it's "the addict" being defensive, it makes me feel like he's not taking full responsibility. I'm glad someone else feels like making it about "his attraction" to me places some of the responsibility on me, and is kind of blaming me too. It's so unfair.