Hey Everyone!

I just wanted to make a quick introduction to the community here - I'm a 33 year old porn addict in a committed 7 yr. relationship who has been struggling with abstention for the last 2-3 years (really most of my life but I've become far more serious about it in the last few years). Not sure how I stumbled upon NoFap originally but I've been checking in to the forums frequently during my struggle and watching no-PMO related videos as well - signed up for an account a year or so ago, made a few posts but didn't really feel connected to the community so I dropped out.

A year later, while I feel like I've improved the frequency and length of my streaks, I continue to struggle and feel increasingly desperate. Two nights ago I actually got my iphone during a restless night intending to watch anti-porn videos and of course ironically watched porn and PMO'd instead. I immediately decided to open another account and try to stick with it this time - give it a chance. So here I am. I've gone about 3 months at my best with no PMO and have in that time undoubtedly experienced the superpowers frequently mentioned - intense focus, boundless energy, renewed and healthy sexual interest in my partner, a genuine curiosity about people, and confidence - something I've always lacked. These were very real and I can not believe they were placebo effects because I remember experiencing the same changes when I'd go a week or two without masturbating in my late 20's without even being aware of it - I only connected the dots to no PMO years later. It felt like a blessing and woke me up to the real possibility for change in one's life that they may have never thought possible. Having experienced that and knowing what I need to do to make it happen makes the relapses that much more painful.

I've adopted healthy habits like keeping a journal, documenting my relapses and emotions afterward and skipping the self-shaming, but the pain, anxiety and desperation led me back here and I'm honestly glad / excited to be giving it another go with NoFap. Please reach out and comment on this post with any of your own experiences with this insidious and consuming addiction - in time I hope to become a real part of this movement instead of checking in from the periphery. Either way, good luck in your fight and I look forward to learning from you and contributing more in the future.

 

Hey Steve - Thanks so much for reading it. Doing well tonight actually and haven't run into any overwhelming urges to watch porn over the last 2-3 days, but as is always the case at the beginning, I fear for the future. At times I have a hard time genuinely feeling positive and proud of myself for fear of caving in and feeling that much worse knowing how good I was feeling beforehand. I've had moments where I literally thought "why start a new streak, you know you'll relapse again and lose more when you do", which makes no fucking sense at all but those are the thoughts. I guess it's the same reason some people never try to reach their major life goals - fear of failure or rejection after committing yourself. Had sex with my gf tonight and feel simultaneously content and fulfilled because it was great (because I wasn't watching porn all day leading up to it) and also worried because I've relapsed many times shortly after sexual activity - kind of gets the wheels turning and fantasies start springing up. I'm planning on checking in here any time the urge hits and doing some extra self-care / writing over the next few days - wish me luck How's it going for you so far?

 

Thanks for the link D.J. - really great advice and insights!