Hey guys, I won my life back - now I wanna keep it. 260+ days.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Shuffledude88, Dec 15, 2020.

  1. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    About a year ago, give or take a few weeks, I returned to this site. The last year have without exaggeration been lifechanging. And yes, my recovery has been the sole foundation for that. Let me elaborate.

    To make a long story short, compulsive porn use has been a part of my life ever since I was eight or nine years old. I have memories going back until early childhood. I don't know how it entered my life, if I got exposed to it or simply came across it. The only thing I do know is that it quickly became a frequent habit in my life. In my teenage years (I'm 26 now for context) I for the first time heard about porn being harmful and something bad. This was through church. I'm christian and raised in a christian context. The only way I heard about it back then was in short - it's sinful and it's disgraceful to consume it. Zero understanding or knowledge about addiction, or how it is. I felt like the loneliest person in the world for several years. Making halfhearted attempts in quitting it, reaching out to pastors now and then, trying to "pray it away". I blamed porn and my circumstances, instead of taking my own responsibility. I was the person who did this to myself. Porn is always a choice. It wasn't until my early 20's that I for the first time heard about porn addiction as a thing, and what it scientifically did to your brain and so on. I then for the first time tried the first time to actually do something about it.

    With a lot of luck and I guess willpower I made it for around 400 days I believe between 2015-2016. But I didn't have any real foundation in to it and my life situation was very easy back then. The following year was less easy and I ended up dropping out of a education and fell into depression. I then caved for the porn again and it became a bigger problem and more harmful then ever before. For the first time I used it to numb myself and escape from my problems. I also want to add that since I was like 15, each relapse have made me feel numb and hate towards myself. It has NEVER been a pleasant experience. I have bashed myself for around 10 years, on a very frequent basis. This has led me to lack selfconfidence, selflove and have made me feel weak and made me a pushover in life in many cases. Yes, I made it through university pretty well and so on, but it has limited me so much. But back to the story.

    So, last fall. The fall of 2019. That summer I felt alright and were dating a girl. It ended up not turning out to something and I saw the first light in a while in my life fading. A situation I felt like was standard for me. I then started binging gaming and PMO for a few months. Until hitting rock bottom. I felt like a zombie, a lonely wanderer in a grey mass. I felt nothing. My interests didn't interest me at all. Every day just flew by. I didn't care. I gained weight. I didn't reach out to my family or friends. Later that year I was writing my bachelor thesis with a classmate, and it then got so clear to me that I desperately needed to end this self-torture. I felt like I couldn't contribute at all to our work. My brain was just gone. I then revisited this website for the first time in maybe a year. I wanted to break free. I knew graduation were coming the following summer, life was starting for real. I couldn't see myself finding a job or taking any steps in life in that awful state.

    I returned to NoFap. I started to journal again. Loneliness have always been a huge trigger for me, and I knew that I couldn't do this on my own. Previously I have had halfhearted attempts in terms of accountability. I have talked to friends, family and people from the site. I guess it's also my fault, but people have rarely returned my offer of keeping tabs on me. Even though I know that most importantly I need to handle this, no one can recover for me. But still, I wish people would have taken the time in the past. But well, that was then. After my return on here I pretty immediately found a post about a accountability group. I remember this was after a relapse. I then thought, why not. It's worth a shot, probably they will just be some weirdos and the group will fade out. Just like any other group I have been part of in the past. I joined the group. And it turned out to change my life, and I have been daily contact with those "weirdos" who I today call one of my closest friends.

    That accountability group gave me exactly what I needed. Likeminded, commited people who really wanna do this. Willing to be truth to themselves, not blaming anyone else. Without being too much. Being realistic and humble. Thank you guys if you read this, I love you for all your help. For always being there. Know that I'm always there for you guys aswell. This journey isn't over. Even though I hope our addictions will fade, I sincerely hope that our friendship never will.

    The group gave me what I needed. I took steps and immedieatly had a streak of a 100+ days. My second ever longest back then. I also learned a lot from talking to them. After some bumps on the road and a few relapses I then made the decision to join the NoFap Zoom Calls in March. It has also been a gamechanger for me. Ever since I every wednesday spend time with some wonderful people, talking about addiction and supporting each other.

    I usually say that good habits, good people and a good mindset goes a long way, if not all the way, in recovery. Only you know what works for you. And I'm so proud of myself for not giving up when failing this time. Previously I have always been a quitter. Now I try to do things to a 100%, wheather it is running a marathon or recovering from porn addiction. Along with the accountability I knew that most of all I needed to be true to myself. You can NEVER rely on other people. They can help you, but they can't go Samwise Gamgi on you at all times, carrying you. You need to adress things in your life. For me it was for example throwing away a computer, removing social media for a while, setting goals in life, going home to my parents house frequently, stopped playing certain video games. Whatever it could be. And also, you need to find that inner drive. Why do you need this? What is your WHY? It might sound like a cliché. But with a WHY big enough, and a wellrooted commitment from within you can come a long way. No one is making you do this, you can stay there in your porn bubble. Relapsing every few days, "because it was tough", "urges were strong", "I was stressed" or whatever. END THE EXCUSES! If I can do this, you can too. I'm not a super saiyan monk or whatever writing this. I'm JUST LIKE YOU. The difference may be that I started believing in myself. Started to care about myself. Started to love myself for the one I am. And most of all I started to take ownership for my life.

    Sorry for being a bit tough on you there maybe, but that is what it's really about.

    A lot have happened this year. I have had a lot of tough days also. I have struggled with anxiety, stress, sadness, anger, loneliness, rejection. A lot of stuff. But I have also ran my first marathon, I got a job within my line of work despite covid making it tough post-graduation, I'm in the best shape of my life. A couple of weeks ago I can also say that I have a girlfriend. For the first time ever in my life. I have longed for that since forever and it has been a major motivation for me. Recovering for my future partner. Now I wanna keep doing this for my girlfriend. It is undescribable how much it means for me meeting her. I can't grasp it. I thought this day would never come. I love her so much. The other day I opened up to her about my addiction also. I knew it was a risk bringing it up. But she took it so well and since then we have only gotten even closer to each other. It feels like a dream sharing this journey with a wonderful girl like that. I'm forever thankful.

    So, all this isn't a result of NoFap superpowers. This is a result of that I started taking care of my life. Recovering won't turn the tables for you, but it gives you the opportunity to turn the tables (sounded good in my head). Life will hit you when recovering. You then need to react the right way - facing it and not escaping. Stop running and instead face life right on. Surround yourself with the right people who support you, stay accountable and humble. Adress things in your life and make it possible for you suceed. Know that YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Porn isn't an unbeatable monster. You always open the door for it, and can also keep it closed.

    Don't let your addiction define you. You deserve to live fully. And can do so starting NOW. This moment. Your selfworth does not align with your PMO addiction. You are wonderful and awesome no matter what.

    Only you can take responsibility for your life.

    All I know is that the last year and my progress in different areas have changed my life completely.

    Guys, I won my life back - now I wanna keep it.

    I wish you all the best.

  2. Wow, one of the best stories I have read on this site. Congrats. You deserve it. I hope someday I i can say the same.
    Shuffledude88 and GK33 like this.
  3. GK33

    GK33 Fapstronaut

    Never so been happy to be called a weirdo before :emoji_cry::emoji_cry::emoji_cry:

    Congratulations, I'm so happy for you!

    Last edited: Dec 15, 2020
  4. Dag

    Dag Fapstronaut

    This really inspired me man, thank you so much for sharing your story.

    Im going through something similar.

    I am on day 23 today.
    I have been doing biblical study and praying, exercising, taking cold showers and sleeping early.

    Lately I have been trying to eat healthy.
    JLD, Shuffledude88 and AJ777 like this.
  5. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    @Shuffledude88 Such an inspiring journey man! I can relate with the pain and anxiety and challenges. I can also relate with redemption and the power of our own potential.

    Even a millisecond spent searching for crap is absolute waste.

    Keep healing man! I'd also like to caution you that ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR ROOTS so that we might no walk back towards the crap trap.

    Good luck! Sending you all my good vibes!
  6. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much, means a lot. Believe in yourself and you will! :)
    Comfortablydumb96 likes this.
  7. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    Haha, thank you so much! You got a lot in this my friend! :emoji_heart:
    GK33 likes this.
  8. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! You got this my friend, keep working on yourself and most of all love yourself. You can do this!
    Dag likes this.
  9. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply! That feeling of redemption and potential is a great drive and motivation if you find it! Hold on to it! And thank you for that advice, it is so true. We got to stay humble and vigilant always, things can turn quickly indeed.

    Good vibes to you aswell! :)
  10. Phoenix31213

    Phoenix31213 Fapstronaut

    This is super inspiring, thanks for sharing. A lot of great points here. So glad things are working out for you and got your life back! I always appreciate your insight.

    Shuffledude88 likes this.
  11. I don't think there's nothing short about this post, haha. :p

    Well, you're on track to make it to 400 days again, but I'd abandon the numbers if I were you. I was telling a friend of mine that numbers have no merit with recovery because it is just numerical tallies put together. It is more about the lifestyle changes and the benefits those changes bring. We're all reasonable for the choices that we'll make and there's no other way around it. It's like you've known of the choices I made in the past and how I had to live with the aftershock once when the numbness faded, or like how the feeling remained even after the glitter faded (sorry, I had to put a Stevie Nicks reference this time. I couldn't resist). It's nice that you're bouncing back to the old heights you knew before and even preparing yourself to surpass it. I hope you're no longer bashing yourself, though, and consider your character to be weak and a pushover because as far as I can recall from our talks, you've never been like that to me (or anyone in the group) at all. :D

    Like you, I decided to change my ways after I saw the negative effect PMO had on me, but I won't bore you with those details since you know the story already. I realized that I needed to get my act together and while this forum has helped me make tremendous strides, the group has changed my life. As one of those "weirdos" you mention, I'm glad that it's an essential part of your life. It's the same thing with me because the group has given me a place to have a place in a world that wants to deny me the right to that voice. Each one of you cares for me deeply and I do think of you guys as my closest friends because I've been able to tell you guys things that I wouldn't have told most people because of either the shame or guilt I felt, but I don't feel that with you guys. I feel free and happy, being able to tell you the burdens of my heart and easily have that weight be destroyed with your support and comfort. It's why I consider you guys to not just be my closest friends, but family as well. I view you guys as the male relatives I've always wanted (and need) in my life.

    I hope our friendship will never fade either. I love you too, man. c:

    Yes, you're on point. You've told me this time and it's never failed to motivate me. As I always like to say, you move my soul daily and that's true. What you said about social media is true and since I'm rarely on Facebook, I'll be deleting the app come January and give myself a chance to relax and not be bothered by it. If people want to contact me badly enough, they can do it elsewhere. I'm discarded the old cloak and going forward. No more excuses. Together with stocism and Catholicism, I'm on track to make 2021 the year where I take the successes of 2019 and 2020 and put them all into one combination. I will follow through what you've suggested to me and I pray that God will allow you to be a guiding light not just for me, but for the rest of the group.

    This is beautiful. I'm so happy that you've a girl you can love on so many different levels. What else can I say that does justice? You've written something more impactful than what I could do at the moment. I'm so happy that you've gotten your life back, my friend! I hope it'll never leave you again. :D
    Shuffledude88 likes this.
  12. FrenchOliver

    FrenchOliver Fapstronaut

  13. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

    Congrats bro..:) Feel happy for u.. I have one question ... What benefits u got on Social wierdness and excessive self conciousness , I behave very wierd while talking to amy one I cant talk to anyone feel very self concious when anyone looks at me, I cant laugh when someone look at me.. I also have Brain fog& depression Feel lost all the time any everything looks like unreal movie i am absent from that place....

    Did all these thing cured by nofap???
    Shuffledude88 likes this.
  14. Ainz

    Ainz Fapstronaut

    Damn..... It was like my life was flashing before me while reading your story. Hope I also get my life on good track.
    A motivational story indeed. Thanks mate.
  15. Haywhy

    Haywhy Fapstronaut

    thanks man really inspiring
    Shuffledude88 likes this.
  16. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    Hey man! Well, I feel like I have seen benefits and a increased wellbeing overall in my life. Just the feeling of actually accomplishing something has made me feel stronger. But the backbone of it all is just embracing myself as a whole in a better way. I have limits, I have weakness but instead for dwelling on those I appreciate what I have and can do, and work on myself as a whole. I don't think one gets some magic powers just by abstaining from porn per se, but just not feeling like a failure makes you feel better. Just keep working on yourself, start appreciating yourself and challenge yourself in different ways. All I know is that a life without porn is a necessity.

    It will get better. Give it time. And keep working on yourself. Open up and talk about your problems also. Whatever they may be. Pornrelated or not. Join a accountability group, maybe the NoFap calls here? They have helped me a lot. See someone in real life if you can't talk to friends or family. It will be so worth it.

    Don't lose heart bro. You are not a failure, and not defined by your addiction. You are free and in control. Hang in there. And don't do this alone. Start loving yourself for the one you are, and know that you are enough. NoFap won't solve your life by itself, but it gives you the opportunity to change your own life. You have to do it yourself, and only you know what you need. Follow your inner heart and chase it. Don't give up until you find it. Hope this made sense for you.

    It's nothing weird in being a little shy and reserved. Quitting porn won't make you into a alphamale who is oversocial and all over the place. You are who you are, be calm in that and know that is enough. :) You are always enough my friend! Don't compare yourself with other people. You are your only competitior. That's something I have learned through recovery, to not give a shit about what other people may think about you. You steer your own ship. Believe in yourself.
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2020
    ronkumar and PMO addict1 like this.
  17. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

    Haha! Touché. And I can say the same about your reply. Thank you so much for taking the time. I appreciate you, you know that. Thanks for your kind words and I hope they motivate you a bit aswell. :) I'm a work in progress, and will always be. I won't back down and won't give in, ever. :) The counter motivates me, but most of all challenges and taking new steps in life drive me forward.
    aspiringwriter1997 likes this.
  18. Yeah, haha, but you know me, I'm a man of words and so I'll write for as long as I want to until the engine finally runs out of steam. I'm glad to hear that and I do know that you appreciate me. We're always going to be working on something but it doesn't mean that we'll not be able to help each other out. I've got a great feeling that you're not going to be going away from my life anytime soon so I'm sure we'll be on the same path together.
    Shuffledude88 likes this.
  19. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

    Actually I am not shy... I can talk whatever very much .. but ..only on those days when I feel confidemt.. But mostly I feel nervous and awkward talking to anyone.... There are days I feel good... This thing is bothering me... I wat to be same all time...I want to laugh when somemone tells a joke.. But I cant.. I feel svery self concious and cant laugh :(

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