Hi and Help - porn, ed, confused sexuality (str8, gay or bi??)

I'm male 21, virgin and sexually confused, and since about 12 I've been watching porn.

I can remember since I was about 4 having mad crushes on girls and women and even being drawn to them before I knew sex was a thing. I never noticed guys or saw them in a romantic or sexual way whatsoever. When I was first introduced to porn I was also introduced to masturbation at the same time. For around a year the porn I would use would be strictly straight and this got me off fine. However, just being curious I watched some gay porn once and slowly this led to be what I would watch almost exclusively up until now.

At the same time I continued being infatuated and having crushes on girls as I went through high school and would say I was even in love at some points. I had a strong desire to be intimate with these girls but there was also a very strong emotional and romantic attraction. I have never felt this same romantic attraction to any guy, I did go to an all boys school so there were plenty around, the attraction was purely sexual.

When I was around 14 I had a homoerotic experience with a friend of mine where ee grabbed each other's dicks and I got aroused, (so did he). When I was around 15-16 and had female friends in my life who I would regularly kiss and make out with I would not get erect, despite me pursuing and instigating the kissing. During this whole time I was actively watching gay porn and PMO'ing several times a day.

Since then I have had limited sexual contact of any kind, occasionally making out with girls when clubbing etc. and still no erection. Yet my crushes and desire to be intimate and romantic has not stopped at all. A few months ago now I underwent extreme sexual anxiety as to whether I was straight, gay or bi. It seemed that I was sexually attracted to guys but romantically attracted to women. This anxiety led to me not eating, not sleeping, being unable to study and extreme lack of libido for about a week and one day I decided to watch some straight porn and I was fully erect and the anxiety had gone. At the time I took this as confirmation that I was not gay and that I must be at least either str8 or bi which I felt okay about as my romantic attraction to women would not interfere with this. However, after about a week or two of PMO'ing to straight porn several times a day I felt it getting harder and harder to get and stay hard. This then led to me seeking out gay porn which did get my hard and fast. Which of course led to another case of extreme sexual anxiety. During this period I even discussed with a close friend that I might be gay or bi or something other than straight and I did get comfortable with this identity. I read some articles on Your Brain on Porn about sexual tastes, brain plasticity and rewiring so decided to completely stop PMO'ing, fantasising and being exposed to anything sexual for a time. I lasted ten days when I decided to masturbate with a straight fantasy of when I previously made out with a girl several years ago and I ended up having one of the best orgasms of my life. I limited myself to masturbating once only every few days and only to past experiences and I had amazing orgasms but slowly I was masturbating more and more frequently and I noticed that it would also take longer.

During this time I was able to get semi-erect even just fantasising about kissing women and imaging having sex with women I'd see in real life. However, a picture of a naked guy found its way to my phone and the image pretty much burned itself into my mind and when I was masturbating my brain would occasionally lead me to it and I noticed an increase in arousal. This has then led to my most recent bout of sexual anxiety which is currently ongoing, this time it is no way as bad as it previously was but I'm again confused about my sexuality. My biggest worry is that I develop a relationship with a woman that I really like but I'm unable to get erect.

Now, I want to go PMO free and nofap for much longer than 10 days. I saw significant improvement after just that time which is making me feel that if I go longer then there will be even better and more sustained improvements. I'm not doing this because I don't want to be gay or be sexually attracted to guys, I just want my emotional and romantic attraction to women to be sexual as well like it has been at times. Again, I have never felt like I wanted to hold a guys hand, cuddle, date and even the idea of penetrative sex with a guy does not appeal to me in any way as something that I would want to actively try.

So far I am three days PMO free and I;m hoping this journey will teach me a lot about my true natural porn free self.

 

Thanks a lot for your support and advice! It's going to be a tough road ahead but I'm willing to take this on

 

I have a semi religious background but it doesn't really play a huge part in the day to day of mine or my family's life. If I was gay it would be a difficult pill to swallow but I would accept it as I know sexual orientation is not something that can be changed. I've spoken to a friend and even a family member about my sexual confusion and I have been supported so I know that the people that matter don't really care which way I am.

I've taken the Kinsey test and similar tests like the Flexuality test and I come up as equal parts homosexual and heterosexual according to Kinsey and Ambisexual according to Flexuality. I am more than comfortable these results, I guess the main thing for me is the anxiety of not getting erect when I'm with a woman that I want to sleep with.

 

Thanks for all the support, I'm really glad I've joined this community and I'm not in this fight alone