Hi Everybody!

I'm new here, hoping to turn my life around.

I feel a need to tell my story... hope that's not too narcissistic. TLDR at the bottom.

I was abused by my 16 year old cousin when I was 5 years old. He introduced me to PMO and since then I've been hooked. When I was 19 I was PMOing 1/3 hours a day on average. When I went to college and had more privacy that increased to 2/4 hours a day. As a 19yo, coming from an all boys high school I had a hugely warped view on sex. My porn fantasies and paranoia over my virginity led me to my first prostitute or "escort" at age 19. I had spent about 5-7 grand on webcams, phone sex and escorts by age 22.

I was flunking college, I was REALLY concerned by my addiction. I was seeing a therapist, self harming and had suicidal thoughts. I decided to drop out of my prestigious college degree program, much to the shame of my overly proud parents, and move to the US to get a new start.

I worked! For a a short while. I met a great girl in the states. We fell in love and moved in together. I told her about my previous life with phone sex, webcams, but not the escorts (during our relationship I got tested so I was clean thank god!). But two years into our relationship I realized I never really stopped PMOing, just cut down a lot, I even stopped for a short period of time, right when I met her. As the relationship went on I started PMOing more and more. It was after we moved in together... I slipped up. I started webcamming, then a strip club, then another escort, my first escort in 2 years. At the end of our third year together, we broke up. I pushed the break up, was it because I knew I couldn't stay with her after going behind her back in such a way? Or because I felt that I couldn't change? Was I a selfish ass hole who wanted to continue only without the guilt, so I had to get her out of my life? I feel as though in the process of cheating on my gf with an escort, my sense of right and wrong drowned somewhere in the back of my brain.

I'm 26 now and I've been single for a year. It was very recently my 4th year anniversary in the states. I didn't celebrate but I did take a moment to reflect. I realised coming to America was a temporary fix. I still carried the same problems I had back home. If anything they were getting worse.

I've been to dozens of strip clubs the last year, I know of one where girls do "extras" so I frequent that one often. I've visited a massage parlor about 8 times. Met at least 3 more escorts - some nasty experiences there. I've spent thousands more on phone sex and the big killer for me - webcams. It doesn't help that I have a thing for financial domination. My previous time with a therapist revealed that perhaps the real turn on for me is the danger or self harm aspect of my fetish i.e. literally being financially crippled to the point you have to borrow money. The type of porn I watch has got harder and harder. I spend at least 2 hours a day with porn, sometimes upwards of 6. I've given up my hobbies, lost friends and all so I can spend more time watching women being treated like animals. I disgust myself.

I feel as though all that PMO, all those sordid experiences with women, all the money wasted pales in comparison to the most precious thing I've lost through this addiction - time. I think about the huge chunk of my life I have let pass me by and all the amazing opportunities I missed. I hate what I am and what I am doing with my life. But the thought of quitting porn terrifies me, it's a problem that is linked to some deep personal issues for me. Hopefully with your help I can turn my life around and make the most of the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading, please let me know if you had similar experiences.

TLDR
I started M at age 5, by 19 I was seeing hookers. Tried to change my life but failed and now it's worse. I'm here to change.