Hi I am new - Selfhate & Porn / Hola soy nuevo - Depresión y Porno

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Hello everyone, thanks for receiving me. I am from South America I am 31 years old and I came to NoFap for help online because I think I have a problem with pornography and masturbation that affects my life a lot and does not allow me to overcome my personal problems. I would like you to read my story so you don't make the same mistakes as me or please help me if you had a similar situation.

I think my problem with PMO (Pornography, Masturbation and Orgasms) is recent. That is to say, I started to masturbate like at age 14 and at age 18 I started to watch pornography, but since I didn't have a personal computer I didn't see much, until about 22 years old. Besides the pornography I saw was just naked beautiful women or having "conventional" sex ... it seems to me that everything was relatively fine at this moment, I felt it was like exploring my own sexuality. Between 22 and 27 I saw porn ocassionally, but I also had girlfriends or sex partners during those periods, so I didn´t felt I had an adiction or anything. My problem started at 27 moreless and it increased dramatically in the last 2 years.

At 27 I met a beautiful woman and she was my crush until recently. As I tell you, she was really really pretty and I was deeply in love with her ... I wanted to have sex with her all the time, but she had less sexual urges than me, so many times I masturbated watching porn because just passing the day with her left me completely aroused. At that time I began to see stronger pornography (I don't know if you have noticed but now porn is much more degenerate than before) ... little by little I began to see more and more "swingers" or "cuckold" ... I worried a little at that time, I told a psychologist I used to go to, but she told me that it was no problem and that I shouldn´t feel guilt, that it made it worse. The problem was that at 29 I went abroad to work, my girlfriend at that time had a stable job so it was not convenient for her to leave the country, the plan was that I would leave 1 year and then return, try to earn some money and study. Being in a long-distance relationship we couldn't have sex anymore, we tried some things on the phone but they didn't work out. I didn't want to be unfaithful, so I didn't have sex all that time. This, added to the anxiety that generated me being in another country, made my masturbation frequency increase a lot. I started to see more and more porn with fetishes, especially "cuckold".

Finally, after 9 months of being outside, I decided to return, but two days before returning, my girlfriend break-up with me. I was devastated and she didn't want to talk to me anymore, nor did she want to give me an explanation of her decision. I tried to talk to her several times but she avoided me. After 2 months she agreed to talk to me and told me she was seeing someone else. I was very depressed and confused, we had a good relationship (At least for me) and she always said to me she wanted to get married with me and have my kids... Anyway, I got a job as a freelance with which I did not earn much money and spent several hours alone on the computer in the same room where I lived. I began to see more and more pornography because it allowed me to disconnect from the emotions I felt (sadness, guilt, anxiety) ... every time I began to see more "cuckold" porn and I began to see also very degrading porn as "femdom", videos of women who left their partners and insulted them or things like that... I didn't know why I saw it, it made me feel like complete shit, it was like they made me remember my ex, it was like if there were designed for the context I was living and the things I was feeling... that made it more real and exciting ...
After 5 months, seeing that things did not improve in my work, I decided to get out of my country again (I still had the papers and could continue studying and working). I have been working abroad for 5 months now and during all these months and I have fought against the addiction to PMO associated with degrading and negative thoughts and emotions (for 10 months now) ... And even thought I have had good weeks, in the end I have always relapsed and it is as if I did not allow myself to overcome my relationship, nor my state of depression ... Really that kind of porn is a poison for the mind and spirit. I recently found out that my ex-girlfriend was going to marry the person she left me for ... it affected me a lot and made me realize how little I have managed to overcome that relationship, how fragile my self-esteem is in this moment and the big tendency to depression I have... also my financial problems do not help and generate me anxiety (studying and working sucks).

I practice (or try to practice) stoicism, mindfulness, meditation, self-psychoanalysis, yoga ... I try to exercise whenever I have energy, go to nature or hang out with friends ... but I also don't have much time and the worst of all is that I waste it masturbating watching stupid shit that makes me feel awful and make me procastinate!!.... besides, being abroad, I don't have many friends and in the country where I am is very cold and people drink a lot of alcohol ... so I either feel alone or end up drinking with strangers... and both of them fill me with anxiety and sadness that in turn lead me to masturbate... Anyway, it's not all that bad, I'm just focusing on the problem in this story... I will be back to my home country soon, I am just finishing my studies and gathering some money.... On average, 4-5 days pass between each time I masturbate and try not to watch porn, especially cuckold or femdom ... but I always fall back eventually ...

I want to change, I don`t want to feel like shit and I don´t want to see never again in my life those stupid and evil videos. I found this page and I hope it helps me to rewire my brain and be able to overcome this stage.

Thanks for reading!.. sorry for the long text. Please comment if you have some advice or something.
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Hola a todos, gracias por recibirme. Soy de Sudamérica tengo 31 años y llegue a NoFap buscando ayuda por internet porque creo tener un problema con la pornografía y la masturbación que afecta mucho mi vida y no me permite superar mis problemas personales. Quisiera que leas mi historia para que no cometas los mismos errores que yo o me ayudes si tuviste una situación similar.

Creo que mi problema con PMO (Pornografía, Masturbación y Orgasmos) es reciente. Es decir, empecé a masturabarme como a los 14 años y como a los 18 empecé a ver pornografía, pero como no tenía una computadora personal no veía mucho, hasta aproximadamente los 22 años. Además la pornografía que veía eran solo mujeres desnudas o teniendo sexo "convencional"... me parece que hasta ahi todo bien, era como explorar mi propia sexualidad. Mi problema empezó como a los 28 y se acrecentó dramáticamente los últimos 2 años.

A los 27 años conocí una mujer hermosa y fue mi enamorada hasta hace poco. Como les digo, era muy bonita de verdad y yo estaba profundamente enamorado de ella... quería tener sexo con ella todo el tiempo, pero ella tenía menos necesidades sexuales que yo, así que muchas veces me masturbaba viendo porno, porque tan solo pasar el día con ella me dejaba completamente excitado. En esa epoca empecé a ver pornografía mas fuerte (nose si se han dado cuenta pero ahora la porno es mucho mas degenerada que antes)... poco a poco empecé a ver cada vez mas "swingers" o "cuckold"... me preocupó un poco en ese tiempo, le conté a una psicologa a la que solía ir, pero me dijo que no era ningun problema y que no sienta culpa, que eso lo hacia peor. El problema fue que a los 29 me fui al extranjero a trabajar, mi enamorada en ese entonces tenía un trabajo estable así que no le convenía irse del país, el plan era que me iría 1 año y luego regresaría. Estando a distancia ya no podíamos tener sexo, intentamos algunas cosas por teléfono pero no funcionaron. Yo no quería serle infiel, asi que no tuve sexo en todo ese tiempo. Esto sumado a la gran ansiedad que me generaba estar en otro país, hizo que mi frecuencia de masturbación aumentara muchisimo. Empecé a ver cada vez mas porno con fetiches, en especial "cuckold".

Finalmente luego de algo de 9 meses estando afuera decidí regresar, pero dos días antes de volver mi enamorada terminó conmigo. Yo quedé devastado y ella no quizo hablar mas conmigo, ni me quizo dar una explicación de su decisión. Trate de hablar con ella varias veces pero me ignoró, hasta que luego de 2 meses acepto hablar conmingo y me dijo que estaba viendo otra persona. Yo estaba muy deprimido, conseguí un trabajo como free-lance con el cual no ganaba mucho dinero y pasaba muchas horas solo en la computadora en el mismo cuarto donde vivía. Empecé a ver cada vez mas pornografía porque me permitía desconectarme de las emociones que sentía (tristeza, culpa, ansiedad)... cada vez empecé a ver mas porno "cuckold" y empecé a ver tambien pornografía muy degradante como "femdom" o videos de mujeres que dejaban a sus parejas y los insultaban.... nose porque lo veía, me hacía sentir como una completa mierda, era como que me hacían recordar a mi ex, era como que estaba diseñada para el contexto en el que estaba y eso lo hacía mas real y excitante...
Luego de 5 meses, al ver que las cosas no mejoraban en mi trabajo, decidí volver irme del país. He estado 5 meses mas afuera trabajando y durante todos estos meses he luchado contra la adicción a la PMO asociada a pensamientos degradantes y negativos... he tenido momentos masomenos buenos, pero al final siempre he recaido y es como si no me permitiera superar mi ex relación, ni mi estado de depresión... Realmente ese tipo de porno que es un veneno para la mente y el espiritu. Hace poco me enteré que mi ex enamorada se iba a casar con la persona por la que me dejó... me afectó muchisimo y me hizo dar cuenta de lo poco que he logrado superar esa relación, de lo fragil que es mi autoestima en este momento y de lo deprimido que me siento... además mis problemas financieros no ayudan y me generan ansiedad.

Practico (o trato de practicar) estoicismo, mindfulness, meditación, auto-psicoanalisis... trato de hacer ejercicio siempre que tengo energías o yoga, salir con amigos... pero tambien estudio, así que no tengo mucho tiempo... además estando en el extranjero no tengo muchos amigos y en el país en el que estoy hace mucho frío y la gente toma muchisimo alcohol... por lo que o me siento solo o termino tomando... y ambos al final me llenan de ansiedad y tristeza que a su vez me llevan a masturbarme... En fin, No esta todo tan mal, solo que me estoy centrando en el problema en esta historia. En promedio pasan algo de 5 días entre cada vez que me masturbo y trato de no ver porno, en especial cuckold o femdom... pero siempre recaigo eventualmente..

De verdad quiero cambiar, no quiero volver a ver esos estupidos videos en toda mi vida... pero es como si mi cerebro reptiliano quisiera ver toda esa basura cuando me siento triste... Encontré esta página y espero me ayude a reiniciar mi cerebro y poder superar esta etapa para siempre.

Gracias por leer! disculpa por el texto tan largo.... por favor cualquier consejo o comentario escribelo.

 

Thank you very much for your advice Delta Tango... I really appreciate your support, I will try my best.
My strategy until now has been distracting my mind and avoiding a masturbation inductive environment.... but I didn´t knew one needed a time of "detoxication", maybe this is why I eventually got loose about my commitment boundaries and relapse... The tactics I more or less use are:

1. Exercise
2. Meditation/Mindfullness
3. Hang out with people or go outside
4. Don´t use the computer at my bed nor until too late.
5. Watch videos that motivate me to live a better life.
6. Remind me what will happen if I make the wrong decision.
7. I have blocked pornsites changing there IP address to 0.0.0.0 (the problem is that I also know how to un-block them)
And now:
8. NoFap

The problem is that when I get depressed I sabotage myself.

Any further recommended tactics please let me know.

I will stay tunned to the journal and newbies sections!.

Thanks again man!