Hi, my name is Gretta and I just came to accept I have a problem with porn and mastrubation.
I can't even tell right now if I'm ashamed or proud I got to this place.
I always considered myself the 'good girl' of my friend groups, the girl who was so innocent to everything sexual. And until my 18th birthday, you could say I was.
After I worked on some destructive behaviors I had since childhood (Depression/Codependency/Impulsive Buyer) the summer of 2014, now I realize, its no suprise I found myself now becoming a Porn and Masturbation addict.
I guess this means I still need to keep finding the core to my problems since I just keep getting new addictive symptoms. I'm just really surprised at myself for becoming addicted to something so out of my personality and the personality I created to the outside people who know me. I bet if tell someone I have this problem, they would probably believe I'm joking or crazy. To the outside wold, the innocent girl, still lives. I really wish to keep it that way, makes me fell better about myself, but in the end, it's all lies. I'm probably worse then them in content and things I've seen and done. Makes me feel even worse.
I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way until marriege. I told myself this lie that I only masturbated to stay faithfull and pure to my future husband. Seeing me right now, makes me feel like a fool believing this addiction would help me stay that way. It got all messed up, I made it messed up. I have no sane judment now. I just know I need to stop this. All the things written here, about this addiction getting worse each time, its true. The things I've watched...GOD! I can just imagine my old self looking at me disgusted, traumatized. I need to stop! I have to stop. I've tried once. It was difficult so I relapsed.
The interesting thing about my situation is, I've never watched 'human' porn, I watch cartoon porn/hentai. My messed up mind has this idea it's different and not as bad. Yeah, right... Let me tell you, i think (since I never watch regular porn), cartoon porn is the hell more messed up! It even brakes the reality barrier in so many ways. I've been telling myself that the way I've been doing this is not as bad as 'real pornography' but why do I feel it's evern worse? I need to stop.
The big problem is that, to stop, I have to stop reading and watching my normal (not pornographic) comic books, manga, anime, etc... I'm so mad at that! But its true that all of those remaind me of porn and masturbation since they are all cartoon. Maybe I should call it a break, I clearly know that my mind has them connected with porn. I would just be fooling myself, I have no sane judment at the moment. Anyway, I want to try to quit again. I want to have a healthy mind again. I feel it's all trash after the things I've seen.
So this is day 1, wish me luck!
I can't even tell right now if I'm ashamed or proud I got to this place.
I always considered myself the 'good girl' of my friend groups, the girl who was so innocent to everything sexual. And until my 18th birthday, you could say I was.
After I worked on some destructive behaviors I had since childhood (Depression/Codependency/Impulsive Buyer) the summer of 2014, now I realize, its no suprise I found myself now becoming a Porn and Masturbation addict.
I guess this means I still need to keep finding the core to my problems since I just keep getting new addictive symptoms. I'm just really surprised at myself for becoming addicted to something so out of my personality and the personality I created to the outside people who know me. I bet if tell someone I have this problem, they would probably believe I'm joking or crazy. To the outside wold, the innocent girl, still lives. I really wish to keep it that way, makes me fell better about myself, but in the end, it's all lies. I'm probably worse then them in content and things I've seen and done. Makes me feel even worse.
I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way until marriege. I told myself this lie that I only masturbated to stay faithfull and pure to my future husband. Seeing me right now, makes me feel like a fool believing this addiction would help me stay that way. It got all messed up, I made it messed up. I have no sane judment now. I just know I need to stop this. All the things written here, about this addiction getting worse each time, its true. The things I've watched...GOD! I can just imagine my old self looking at me disgusted, traumatized. I need to stop! I have to stop. I've tried once. It was difficult so I relapsed.
The interesting thing about my situation is, I've never watched 'human' porn, I watch cartoon porn/hentai. My messed up mind has this idea it's different and not as bad. Yeah, right... Let me tell you, i think (since I never watch regular porn), cartoon porn is the hell more messed up! It even brakes the reality barrier in so many ways. I've been telling myself that the way I've been doing this is not as bad as 'real pornography' but why do I feel it's evern worse? I need to stop.
The big problem is that, to stop, I have to stop reading and watching my normal (not pornographic) comic books, manga, anime, etc... I'm so mad at that! But its true that all of those remaind me of porn and masturbation since they are all cartoon. Maybe I should call it a break, I clearly know that my mind has them connected with porn. I would just be fooling myself, I have no sane judment at the moment. Anyway, I want to try to quit again. I want to have a healthy mind again. I feel it's all trash after the things I've seen.
So this is day 1, wish me luck!
