Hi. Please help… I can’t stop (gay male)

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Hi 42 gay male here.

I have been addicted and using sex, masturbation and porn since I was a young teen. It has always controlled me, and been my escape from reality. I gives me the feel good hit I need, but also the isolation and escapism from real life I crave. I have had lots of therapy, and it has helped me understand why I use sex and porn, but I have never been able to abstain from it.
I have been in a relationship for 23 years and happily married. But I have this secret part of my life that I don’t want anymore. I have no idea how many times I have hooked up and had random sex with other people. Sometimes pre arranged via apps etc, sometimes just out cruising in woods and toilets. But I have had so much anonymous sex it’s unreal. While always hiding it from my loved ones. As I said it has always been my escape from real life. Me time!! I have gotten to points where I have hurt myself physically and mentally so badly, and put myself in such dangerous positions, but I just keep going, until I hit rock bottom. Then my brain engaging and I often go through periods of time where I try and stop, but some how I end up doing it all over again. It’s like my brain doesn’t compute what I’m doing until after the adrenaline has gone and the guilt sinks in. It’s like my rational brain decouples, and my hormones take over. I know I have ADHD and I think this addition is part of it, but I just can’t seem to control myself. It takes over and my brain goes offline, until after and I’m guilt ridden.


I am going to try and abstain from PMO, however will still be intimate with my husband. I am just wanting to free myself of this horrible over trodden pathway. It has taken so much of my life, and isn’t who I want to be anymore. I want to be fully present in my current life.


If you have experienced similar or can help please give advice. Today is day one… I’m gonna try my best
 
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So day two. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. If I’m honest and truthful with myself, I think I actually find being on here and reading everyone’s stories a little triggering. It’s like I’m actually looking for the horniness in the stories!! Initially I can actually feel little twinges in my dick as I read some people’s stories… However the more I read, the more I am unwinding and feeling then emotional connection rather than the horniness. So while I feel that initially it might be wrong I think if I push through I eventually find the human element of it all and it makes me feel grounded again and I’m here for the right reasons.
I think my biggest issue is going to be how I lie to myself and justify things… I’ll see how today goes as I’m going into London and that’s normally a massive trigger for me with the freely availability of cruising and sex.
I’ll let u know how I do..
 
Hi Petestobart, welcome to the website.
Maybe consider joining an AS (anonymous sexoholics) group.
Also try and utilise the tools and insights that you received and got in therapy.
Good luck in your journey of change!
 
Just on my train home. While nothing happened I can’t help feeling a little disappointed in myself. All the way into London I keep looking at other guys and trying to get eye contact. I didn’t go cruising, but then on my way home, I went to the train station toilet 3x… just in case a guy was there. There wasn’t so nothing happened, but if there had been, I don’t know what would have happened!!! So while I still haven’t cheated or cum etc, I feel that it’s more because of no availability rather than my own will power! But then again I’m not horny now or turning to porn for a quick win. O I don’t know…am I being too harsh on myself, or am I just being honest. I clearly went looking for the adrenaline/dopamine fix, but I didn’t actually get it… so maybe it’s just the start of the journey?
This is so hard and confusing. But at least I’m conscious of it now, not just unconsciously self harming
 
Today feels more positive. I have some old paths I need stop walking down but luckily nothing has happened so far. I definitely feel more conscious of what I’m doing. I just need to rewire some old pathways… I feel more positive tho and still no PMO
 
So today is Monday and still no PMO. I’m pretty pleased with myself. The weekend was actually quite easy. What I have noticed is that it tends to be weekdays that I find hard. When I’m at work or alone… I also can really feel bad habits have been set in. Tonight would normally be my PMO night cos I’m home alone, and o my god I’m so horny, the fucking hunger is real. But I’m gonna stay strong. I can do this, I can rewire my brain and undo these habits.

the one thing I have noticed that I am struggling with tho is my eyes.. I can stop looking and thinking as I’m going about. I am hoping time will reduce this part of my brains activity.


Would be great to hear from others, what do you think about me thoughts and my journey. What do you think about what I have said about myself. I’m just interested
 
So been an interesting week and it’s ended on a strange one. Firstly no porn, no cheating. So I’ll take that as a win. I have had sex with my husband so I can’t claim to cumming, but that isn’t what I’m here to deal with. I have been really good, sensible and grounded this week. However I just had a little thing happen. Was in a shop and this lad was checking me out and following me. I instantly got aroused and the adrenaline kicked in. However I was able to walk away and nothing happened. Fuck man… I’m pleased I walked away, but I need to get better control of myself. I need to stop…

on the whole a positive week, and I’m still PM free - think it’s 9 days now. But I can tell I still have more to tackle
 
Petestobart said:
So been an interesting week and it’s ended on a strange one. Firstly no porn, no cheating. So I’ll take that as a win. I have had sex with my husband so I can’t claim to cumming, but that isn’t what I’m here to deal with. I have been really good, sensible and grounded this week. However I just had a little thing happen. Was in a shop and this lad was checking me out and following me. I instantly got aroused and the adrenaline kicked in. However I was able to walk away and nothing happened. Fuck man… I’m pleased I walked away, but I need to get better control of myself. I need to stop…

on the whole a positive week, and I’m still PM free - think it’s 9 days now. But I can tell I still have more to tackle
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Have you talked to your husband about this? Happily married people strive to connect and be intimate and honest with one another. Recovery takes a complete overhaul of your life. Of the way you have been living. Your addiction has affected him in ways you will never see until you get into recovery.
 
Also-adhd has a huge impact on addiction. My husband does neurofeedback and it helps immensely!!! Super expensive as insurance won’t pay for it( but they will pay to put him on drugs! Ugh) maybe talk with your doctor. But I highly recommend neurofeedback.
 
Almost done 2 wks. Never thought that I would be able to stay away from porn, cruising and random sex for this long. In fact apart from being intimate with my husband, I haven’t cum at all. So no masturbation… I wouldn’t say no PMO as I said I’ve been intimate with my husband, but defo no M and no P!!! Really really pleased. I feel like I’m starting to untwine some of those negative pathways, and rebuild trust in myself. I just need to keep positive and moving forwards.
Boredom seems to be my biggest trigger, and routine. Now that I am aware of these things, I can try and avoid them and put blocks in place. Just have to keep strong and keep honest with myself.
 
So yesterday turned into a shit show. Basically long story short - woke up feeling so horny and I was home alone. I did a bit of social media surfing, trying to ignore it, but it kept building. Decided to come in here and look for help. Chatted to a few people and some helped. One guy I was talking to really helped. Then unfortunately one thing led to another and we ended up wanking together on the phone… FUCK SAKE!!! I felt fucking awful after. It was literally my 2 wk mark and I threw it away. After that I spiralled out of control and spent the rest of the day watching porn. I basically probably in total spent 5-6hrs wanking and watching porn. WTF man.
Later that evening someone on here reached out and I was talking with them about what happened. They mentioned that most of the time we are trying to hide from our emotions and that’s why we turn to porn. I know this… I’ve learnt this long ago thru counselling. But why the hell didn’t it dawn on me that on Tuesday I have spent all day at a funeral for my best friends dad and had to watch my godsons get so upset at the passing of his granddad. Of course I was upset on Tuesdays, but Wednesday (yesterday) when I was alone at home, was clearly the day that I was going to feel it and deal with the emotions… but rather than see that, I fell into my old normal pattern and reverted inwards and self harmed. It’s the same old pit falls….
Thank you to the guy that helped me last night to see this, I really appreciate it. All I can do is start again and try and be more self aware going forwards.

back to 0 days I guess
 
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