Hi there, I`m rebooting!

Thank You for sharing! The situation I`m here allows me to see that PMO is for me some kind of a drug for stress, or escape from studying. I tried going to library. It works when Im studying with other students. But when I`m about to study some boring theory and i lock in individual cabin it doesn`t get so easy. Maybe i shoudn`t use those cabins and take a table in the middle of the library so I would feel strange while losing focus
I don`t now if it improves my motivation. I think it`s a hard mode. But as long as I`m a student it`s gonna stay this way. Definetly it helps couse I don`t waste my time on PMO!

 

It`s nice to see it`s almost 10 days. But It`s still not not the best result. I want to make this streak last forever.
Recently today and yesterday I haven`t really thought on PMO. I`ve been studying hard. I`ve failed one exam. I`m 100% sure It was becouse of me being distracted by urges and resisting them. I couldn`t give 100% on studying. But the fact that I failed once motivated me. I`m studying really hard now and It`s going well. At the second attempt I`ll pass it. And don`t get me wrong. I`m not blaiming it on the reboot. Rather on the habit. I won`t have much time to visit NoFap frequently in next few days. Wish me luck! I`m getting back to studying! Thank You all for reading and supporting me. Feel free to leave some feedback.

 

It`s hard today. I had a nocturnal emission and maybe that`s the reason why I`m feeling these urges today. I`ve found myself looking at some pics on instagram or snapchat. But I didn`t relapse. Still going on. I`m here to remind myself of why I`m rebooting, and to keep going. I have to study hard still. So PMO would be a classic escape. I`m not doing that.

 

It`s damn hard to resist today. I keep going but I`m thinking about one porn video, and actress. I feel the urge of watching it and PMO`ing. I thought maybe It would go away if I write it down. These urge gives me a lie. A lie that It would be nice to jerk off for it. I know there in my heart that It wouldn`t. And i can`t belive that my mind is trying to trick me like that just to give me a jab of endorfines. In such moment`s I`m aware that I`m addicted to it. It`s really shitty. And I`m not helping myself becouse of thinking abuot. I can`t cut loose these urges. This desires, pictures, sounds are in my head. It`s really dirty. The video I`m thinking about isn`t a nice sex full of love. It`s rough. So I feel ashamed of myself. Don`t know how to stop thinking about it and focus. It`s really hard to focus on anything today. I hope tomorrow would be different. The reason of these urges might be a stress. I have an important exam in two days. So my mind is trying to escape. Any advices how to deal with that, stay focused and quit this damn habit forever? I`ve relapsed to many times. Don`t want that to happen again. I want to have confidence in myself that I`m free. Today I know I`m not. My own mind is trying to trick me to escape from my responsibilities. That`s a hell of a addiction.

 

Have you tried the panic button? If you are feeling like you are going to relapse give it a try. Also, stay away from the place you do PMO, this could help a lot in the beggining of a streak.
A little stroll is a good alternative too if you are about to relapse. Urges are temporary, after walking for some time they could disappear.

You can handle this!

 

It`s not like I was about to relapse. I rather was fighting with urges and resisting. And that took a lot of time and decreased my productivity. But I handled that. Today was better. I`d rather find the strength and motivation in myself then in some quote from a website. That`s why I`m trying to constantly remind myself of why I`m doing this.

 

Resisted but on the end relapsed. Twice. But not going to happen again. I feel that I`m able to study so I`m going on. The urges were strong. Now they`re gone. I keep studying and startin over again.

 

I thought that if I could quit during exams period there would be nothing to stop me. But I didn`t handle the stress. Anyway now I`m back in the fight. But It`s really shitty. I can`t belive I`ve let my mind to decieve me again. Now eventhough I don`t feel this tension I`m feeling low.

 

Better times are coming. Finished all the exams. Feelin good. Things are going in a right direction. Didn`t feel any urges. Guess they`re going to start occuring in around a week xD But I`ll be able to handle them. Right now I have a lot of time for self improvement and making a game plan. I m going to put a lot of effort on quiting by all means. I don`t have to study that much so it`s manageable.

 

It`s about five days and I felt some urges today. I miss the streak when I lasted 6 weeks. It seemed easy. I just decided to stop, had a lot of determination and after those few weeks I felt free. Then screwed up. I know It`s lame to go back in memories once again, but I`m wondering what`s the difference, becouse it felt really easier then. But I see one thing, that I also read and heard. I know I have to replace that habit, try to create some new activities, and that`s what I`d try to think about.

 

I`ve been out of country for a few days so I didn`t log in here for some time. Now I`m back. It was a bit easier to keep on going while being in totally different place.

It`s almost two weeks. I had some urges. Handled them for now. I hate the flashbacks of the videos I`ve seen and desire to see this particular pornstar, or some kind of the video that I didn`t use a lot. Or thought that I could watch something new, something that`s really hot and I haven`t watched this kind of video yet. It`s that my brain is trying to trick me into getting back to where I`ve been. I have once seen a list of things the brain is trying to bullshit a men before the relapse. Maybe I should make such a document.

For now I have a lot of free time. I`m trying to use it in some ways. I read more books and try to learn things considering my studies that I`ve already forgot. When I`m trying to study i get a little distracted. It`s easier to me to focus on reading books.

I think I`m letting myself too much into these fantasies and flashbacks. I mean I should cut them off. There`s no point in thinking about them more then for a moment when they occur. I`ll try to do so.

For now I`m going to make this kind of bullshit by tricky mind list and continue with reading or studying.

Wish You all luck! Feel free to leave some feedback.

 

The fact I`m still getting urges makes me think there`s something I`m doing wrong. I mean that I`ve got really far. For now it should be different and I`m still feeling like if I was on stage one anyway.

But I have to say, today urges weren`t that hard. I`m still thinking from time to time of one kind of video that I`ve never seen before and my mind is trying to trick me into watching that.

I remember how it ends. At the beggining of my journey with porn it was like that: ok, so now you should check this kind of video, ok so You didn`t tried that with sound, let`s find different position, curious how she does it solo... And it never ends. After i meet one demand of my horny mind, there goes another.

I guess it`s not worth writing about it. Good thing is that i realise these facts. Hate the fact how quickly i forget the feeling that comes after the relapse. The second I would jerk off i would think "Why I did that?". Anyway sometimes I get tempted so keep your fingers crossed.

I`m still writing about urges but as I wrote before, today was easier so I`m counting on the scenario that past these two weeks it will go more smoothly. I`m trying to build my identity in my head as I`m not the kind of guy who watches horny girls on screen and rubs his penis. Damn, that`s disgraceful. I don`t want to be like that, and I`m gonna tell it to my tricky horny mind next time I`m triggered.

 

I`ll have to start convincing me from the beggining. Relapsed.

I`ll write something more on it tomorrow.

 

Probably I`ll start a new Journal

 

After some thinking I decided I`m not opening new journal. My journey it`s gonna be written in these thread. Long and painful, but it will be my whole story.

So...

DAY 2
​

I`ve already learned that after a relapse a few first days are easy. I was even really positive and smiley sometimes yesterday mainly. I guess that`s becouse the sexual tension and urging towards watching porn it`s gone after a relapsing session of PMO. But it`s getting different as the times go by and I`m feeling new, maybe not urges rigth now, but desires for sexual stimulation. So it`s gonna get hard again.

Once again what hit me is that after the first O during relapse the second I did it I knew it !!wasn`t worth it!! I want to remember that next time I`ll be on the verge of relapsing.

One more thing is that I`m letting myself for to much thinking about P and fantasizing. It doesn`t help. I need to be able to cut these thoughts right away.

About today. It wasn`t hard. Didn`t felt any big urges. Day was good. Could have been more prodactive, but was ok. I slept too much so in the morning I felt so so. After that everything was getting better. Spend few hours on the university. I was curious of the new knowledge I was ablle to obtain. It`s not always obvious couse too frequently I`m not taking the best out of it. When I got back to my flat I wasn`t very productive but studied for a moment, so it`s not bad.

I have a feeling it`s boring so leave some feedback if anyone is willing to read that. I feel like if I was talking to an imaginary friend. In similar way to Elliot from Mr Robot TV series! I think i might try writing something more. Not too much personal stuff but some positives and negatives about the day, and thoughts on the addiction. One thing for sure is that I won`t be writing everyday. I don`t like counting days. The streak that was my longest was when I didn`t so I`ll try to treat this journaling as an addition, not the main measurement to fight the addiction.

That`s all for today. Keep fighting guys!

 

Day 5

Things are going well. I wasn`t tempted too much! Don`t know what to write here. Upcoming week is bringing a bit more of studying so it`s good. It`s gonna get me focused on other things instead of PMO. Didn`t spent much time on self improvement recently. If i get any new flash of inspiration how to handle this habit I`ll let you know. As for now everything is OK!

 

There`s few things i have to confess. Recently I did PMO a lot. It`s hard to say how it happend. I guess after one of relapses I thought it didn`t make sense, and went on trying to find pleasure maybe. Baisiclly it was escapism. And It lasted until monday for sure. It made me feel really low. I guess not ony that but all my personal issues started to make show up back in my head. So as I wrote, things went really badly during maybe last week or so. What changed on monday You may ask. So I`m doing some tutoring. I don`t know if that`s the right word in english. Anyway I`m helping one kid with maths. He`s about 14 years old. As I`m studying at a technical university I`m quite good at maths, physics. So I use that to make a little money on my own.
That day, when I was helping him with his test preparations I just discovered i was... baisiclly more stupid. I was like, "OK, give me a minute. I`ll sort It out." I was making really simple mistakes. I guess it`s some kind of brain fog. It hit me. I wasn`t able to do what`s usually easy becouse of PMO`ing recently. Also I felt really badly with myself. Also I didn`t have any enthusiasm. So this hit me.

So these are the things i wanted to confess. Falling badly into the chaser effect, and sucking at tutoring.

I`m getting back on track. I`m taking my time to recover from feeling shitty. I listen to some constructive podcasts. I`ll share with You in another journal posts. Stay tuned! I bought a really tasty chocolate, ate only one piece! Precisely just one And i left the rest of it on my desk. I`m resisting it now. It`s my practice of delaying gratitude. I guess that`s how it`s called in english. Then on sunday I would eat another one piece. Just one! I can do it. Also I`d share if anyone`s gonna visit me.

Positive thing is that I used some of my free time to volounteerly study geography. Ok, maybe that`s too much said. But I would like to know where each country is located on the map, and what is their capital City. So I started with Europe and I`m willing to continue.

One more thing is I will socialize in few incoming days, so I hope It`s gonna give me some positive attitude, couse recent days really made me feel low. There`s gonna be some billard, watching football Euro 2020 qualifying match, playing FIFA on another day with another friend.

There`s more to tell. I`m willing to share this things in here becouse it really is a relief to write It down in here. Thank You all who are reading this. Wish me luck with that chocolate! For now it works fine

One more thing I need to confess. On the begining when I entered this foum for the first time I thought there`s too many pepole relapsing again and again. I didn`t understand at the time. I was cocky. I thought that I can get in there, tell stop to it, and it will end after 90 days. I didn`t. So I say sorry for thinking like that, for feeling better. I know I`m in deep trouble rebooting. I`m really a relapse veteran.

I believe even now that me, and anyone who had relapsed no matter how many times can still quit.

It`s time to get some sleep couse I have some university activities tomorrow, and even now I`m up too long. I see I wrote a lot. I`m happy I did. Actually It`s the first time in about a week I feel so good becouse I shared with You guys. I`m really grateful if anyone reads this, finds some help in it, or supports me. The purpose of this pararaph was to say sorry for my english becouse I`m not a native speaker and probably I`ve made loads of mistakes in this post. I`m not going through this text once more to check, becouse as I wrote It`s late. So anytime You read... I hope you`ll have a great day/night sleep. Keep fighting you fapstronauts! Peace