hi

Hi I’m Phil. I’m a 23 year old white American. my pronouns are he/she/they. completely new here. so it’s gonna be a long intro I hope that’s okay.

I was in that state which often occurs where I really just wanna watch porn and yet stuck in limbo. Id vs. Superego type shit (if you know any Freud... I’m studying psychology and want to be a therapist). So I thought it would be a good idea to post here that way if I do watch porn (which is pretty likely) I will at least have something else to feel good about. And hopefully to start a more ongoing process of accountability. I don’t really care about decreasing my masturbation unless it would be necessary to watch less or no porn. I probably first saw porn when I was real young 8 or 9 if I had to guess. I consider it my most long-standing addiction even though whether or not it is addictive is debated, it seems fitting enough for my case. I actually vaped then smoked cigarettes for about a year. I would consider it my second worse addiction, even now I would kill for a cigarette and then 10 more especially right now cuz I know that not only would it destress me instantly, it would help me forget about wanting to use porn. It’s an easy distraction. And yet I’ve basically kicked that habit. I started using CBD flower which helped me with nicotine cravings and to basically cold turkey cigarettes. I like to keep some CBD around still, I think it works great for anxiety (even though normal weed lately just seems to make me unhappy cuz my heart will beat fast and then i just feel uncomfortable), but I manage my anxiety mostly by riding it out and with mindfulness as of right now. I don’t think porn is necessarily addictive, but it is for certain people & situations, like me and mine. but I seem to exercise moderation with alcohol well enough. and yet some people can’t even have 1 drink, you know? they don’t have any restraint more or less. so at this point even exercising greater restraint with porn would be great for me.

Anyway, for whatever reason facials in porn were and are perhaps the most alluring part for me. I hate the ones where the cum gets in their eyes that shit seems super degrading. But I find often times looking up blowjobs you’ll run into them inevitably even if it’s not what you came for (no pun intended). I think to some extent the facials are always gonna be something I like or think about, but what I really want is to be able for it to exist as part of a healthier overall sexuality. Meaning I want to be satisfied without them in a relationship (not necessarily without the fantasy of it), because I know they aren’t preferred as much as they are portrayed to be in porn. I’ve entertained the idea of possibly using whipped cream irl. Funny i know, but It basically fulfills the kink in a much more vanilla way I feel like.

Other info that might be pertinent: I’m trans* because my gender identity isn’t exclusively male even though my biological sex is. I identify as bigender, bisexual, and pansexual (because I experience some level of attraction to ALL genders, but not equally. some ppl really like ppl REGARDLESS of gender entirely. That is not the kind of Pan I identify as). Basically I have an internal sense that is pretty binary of both maleness and femaleness, and I’ve recently started to experiment with femme presentation. I have a distinct memory of having a dry orgasm as a kid and thinking I impregnated myself somehow. Then much later, I had an experience where I swear I could have felt a child kick in my belly. I think it was a spiritual thing and I can really say that there is some sense of being part-woman “stuck” in a man’s body for me. it’s just not a feeling where I need to “get out” of this body necessarily. so any dysphoria is pretty mild. but I get dissatisfied with myself if I only wear guy clothes. I have a really strong desire to get pregnant, i just think that will not happen till the next life if i get reincarnated. which brings me to my next topic!

I’m a Christian but I believe in other religions too. If God is all-loving and all-knowing then he made them all, all the faiths. Why they so often contradict each other, I can’t say. but I care more about common ground, especially because many religions seem contradictory themselves if we’re being honest. I don’t really care to delve into those specific beliefs right now except for that I do believe I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I don’t think you need Jesus to get into heaven (and I don’t believe in eternal damnation), I just think if you don’t wanna talk with Jesus or know Him then you won’t. So that will separate me from a lot of Christians. But I do believe He was a manifestation of God.

I have had some mental health crises, but met a great therapist and we’ve been working together productively for at least a year now. I just think if porn is the long running habit for me it’s gonna take a community to combat, even though my therapist has done great things for me.
I have a few ideas. I’ve thought about trying to only jerk off to pictures instead of porn. And better yet if I can think of a person from memory (but I don’t particularly want it to be my ex cuz im tryna get over them more completely). I’ve also thought that if I looked into human trafficking more maybe it would help me want to stop, I’ve heard it’s linked to porn, and it could strengthen moral reasoning behind abstaining. and I’m pro sex work, but with how much goddamn porn exists you would have to assume some of it is depicting rape. what else? i swear like a truckdriver. Anyway, any help is appreciated—I know this is a really long intro, but I wanted to give a decent picture of my situation. I met a guy recently on a dating app so if that becomes a thing, it could be promising. I remember when I was in an actual relationship it made the “need” I felt for porn feel less big, especially because real sex is so much more intimate—you can’t really replace the real thing. It feels better imo.

Anyway, peace. all comments appreciated