Hidden addiction for life: 40 and about to lose it all....

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Mama.Fratelli, Mar 5, 2021.

  1. Mama.Fratelli

    Mama.Fratelli New Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone, I don't even know where to begin....I am currently at a crossroads in my life that will determine if I lead a life of happiness or assured destruction. I own a home, have a good career and I'm married to a wonderful caring woman who's heart and trust I have recently broken by acting out.

    I have struggled with Porn, Crossdressing & Sex addiction for as long as I can remember, I have never had a normal or healthy relationship with sex. My previous girlfriend of 6years indulged in this behavior with me, which intensified and "normalized" it for me and I have had a very hard time balancing myself back out of that mindset. I have lived a double life of shame and secrets and now at the age of 40 it has finally caught up with me, and I can no longer manage it. Drugs (that's new to me), Porn, OCD & Extreme Trauma has completely wrecked what self control I had left, to the point that I have repeately put my relationship and physical health at risk, even after my wife caught me in the basement with another man while she was in bed sleeping....

    Only a few month have past, we agreed that I needed to make serious changes, attend therapy etc. We've been trying to work though it, which honestly amounts to us just trying to move on and go about life as if it never happened, but the cracks are really starting to show. I only spoke with someone once and felt I was strong enough to overcome this myself, but I am not.

    My wife works different hours than me so I am home alone for 6-8 hrs a few times a week, my spare time is not spent being productive, it's spent in an endless cycle of increasingly risky behavior. I've tried my best to manage it and hide it from her but little things have popped up over the years that eventually started her suspicion. She keeps finding things like poppers, dvds, toys, woman clothes etc. Since the night of her catching me cheating I have tried to get a handle on things but I have slid back to exactly where I was before this happened, if not even further into the abyss.

    Yesterday I got done work early and stopped off to pick up some flowers for her. When I walked in the door she started crying, I was really confused until she said that she cannot handle any more of these surprises. My stomach dropped. She found a piece of woman's clothing that belongs to me and decided to look through my draws....finding everything you could imagine someone like me would have stashed away. Everything I said I would work to put an end to. It broke my heart to see her so hurt again. The problem isn't so much about what I'm into, she's very understanding actually, it's the secrecy and not including her and I don't know why I have such a hard time being honest and including her. It's like I'm so used to secrecy that when given the chance to share it with someone, that isn't offended by it, I still cannot be completely open.

    So here I am at home alone, my wife stayed at a friends house to create some space and we are going to talk tonight. I honestly don't know if this is something I can overcome after 40 years, but I am going to try. I feel like I am battling some pretty intense demons, in the back of my head, part of me see's this as an opportunity to break free and go full speed over the edge with with my behavior. My wife constantly tells me we are not sexually compatible and that I will be happy with someone else who enjoys the things I do. But I don't want a life of insanity that will most likely end with me killing myself directly or indirectly. I came from an extremely broken home with an even more extreme unhealthy upbringing, so the life I have created with my wife is like a dream, and here I am ready to throw it away for self gratification.

    My father committed suicide two years ago and I truly believe that has been a serious driving force behind my recent behavior, to the point that I no longer care about myself. It wasn't until early last year that I started using drugs, and late last year that I started combining them with my acting out. It started out innocently enough, I bought a bottle of poppers from a store, but that opened up pandoras box. It slowly graduated to Weed, Mushrooms and Molly. I recently started huffing cans of Duster, compressed air.computer cleaner. I am fully aware of how dangerous that is but like I said, I kinda of don't care about my safety and that does scare me. What really scares me is that I have become curious about other drugs, much harder ones that I know to stay away from.

    I've tried to control and minimize the seriousness of my problems but I have finally caved in and accepted defeat, I've lost control and need help. I am very lucky that I have a wife who shares similar trauma and is sympathetic to my struggles, although she cannot relate nor does she know if she can hang in there any more.

    Coming to you live from the edge......I guess I'll report back after our talk tonight. Wish me luck!
    {Ananta} and AD amazing like this.
  2. gritman

    gritman Fapstronaut

    All the best brother.......you have started your journey towards the better
  3. Archangel01

    Archangel01 Fapstronaut

    Sounds like if you're close to the point of no return. Try to create something else in your life which is worth working for it which can make it worthwile for you to give up your destructive habits. Maybe you could push your career further or start a new one.
    Good luck man
  4. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Besides therapy, I think you are just too deep to be by yourself, start doing exercises like running, lifting weights maybe long walks so you dont expend that much time alone by yourself at home.

    Take care remember its not you the only person you put at risk but your lovely wife also

    Take care, all the best
  5. Cartographer

    Cartographer Fapstronaut

    Best of luck and wishing you well. Thank you for being honest and open on this forum
  6. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

    Welcome, thanks for sharing your story.
    Listen, THERE IS HOPE!
    You're an addict and NO ADDICT to any drug has ever gotten sober alone. NO ONE. In fact confession, accountability, sponsorship, AP is the foundation of AA (The 12 steps) so please ask for help RIGHT NOW. You need a support team so as much ppl knows about it, the better it would be.. At this time of your life only this can save your marriage and life..
    You should check this post, reminds me you:https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...te-my-dopamine-receptors.166287/#post-1410049
    You know this is a lifelong commitment.. we will be addicts till the last day so its time!
    God bless you.

    Good luck!
  7. bama_lost

    bama_lost Fapstronaut

    That's a hard share... but it's a big step sharing, so kudos. Commit. And find support. Find someone to help you address the trauma. And your wife should likely also seek help to for the betrayal trauma. Lean on the forums here for support, but find some other outlets, too. smartrecovery.org has a similar forum and also a large number of weekly meetings that address with folks addressing an array of addictive behaviors. If your wife is sticking with you it's because she loves you and cares about you, so find a place where you care about yourself the same to commit to recovery. You got this. Good luck.

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