High grade incoming

Hi everyone !

I'm new there. I'm happy to start through my journey. I have some tears beneath my eyes sometime, happy ones.

Short Story, not so brief;

My name is XX and i was born to switzerland. What a happy baby said my parents. Couldn't be sad seemingly. But let's begin with the following story, so mine

Since my young age i play video games. Something like 6 or 7 years old . With a big rise to the time i devote to the game along the years. I began to masturbate but i don't know exactly when. Maybe at 10 years old. Then at 12 yo, First fetish with clothes of my mother and then clothes of others girls (because i was digusted with the one of my mother). You can name it "Feminization". The reason was - at my thought - a lack of tenderness and attention from a girl. For a long time i need love. Since 7 or 8 years old, big Dreams of tenderness and lovely story. Half my time, i was thinking about created stories of love with girls i was love on, the other half, thinking to video games. Playing video games 4-5 hours per day during the week and 15 hours per day of weeked.

At this point, i think my reward system was not so high-gear but it was still working i think. I had feelings, happy to do all the things, okey.. no interest on my lessons and others things than video games but i could like to do anything with people, like clean a floor with a friend but enjoy it . Fucking happy and fulfilled with hope to have a girlfriend a day. I was like "One day i will be nice and good-looking and i'll get a girlfriend who loves me. It's ok if the girl i love now doesn't love me, as long as she is happy in her situation. I can suffer, the others don't need to". Yeah i was maybe stupid with a big sense of honor and valuable thinking. Way too much.

Keep going with the sequel. 12 yo to 19 yo. I had good relations with people but only with the guys because i could talk about video games you know. Then i work a little bit on my communication with people. I was at home 95% of my free time until 18 yo guys... First time i have drunk on my life was at 18 yo to magaluff... what a week but what the hell.. with me?

So i don't know how but the people began to like me and i have big parties on big house, but at this time, i hated my body and face. I was killing myself, through the mirror, i was insulting myself, was tormenting myself every evening and night because i was not as good as i needed to be..

The brain fog was a normal thing to me (since 12-13 yo, worse every year). Sometime i had some rush or big focus (1 or 2 time per year) like i was a genius with 150 iq. Big memory function and understanding. Along my studies, because yes i was a student. I had good grade but it was hard because of my insomnia since my 12 yo (3 hours to fall asleep, but seemed normal to me), big anxiety and stress (never felt good in my body), hyperactivity (like way more energy that i need to throw out with big movements of hands or to shake the controller when playing), the boss of OCD (10 or 15 different), aches of stomach (from 16 to 22yo, lactose one), big lack of focus (easy mistakes all the time, the rage of the feeling related omg..) and others things but whatever.

My addiction during this time was (i didn't think it was addiction at this time);
- video games (for shot of dopamine, sometime i was playing video games and was watching a film at the same time) (and i say shot, because i was good at playing but i noted no big improvement)
- masturbating with porno (12 yo to 15 yo, maybe 3 times a day // 15 to 18, maybe 5 or 7 times a day, yes at work to or at school on the toilet // 18 to 22, 10 or 15 per day, between 10 minutes to 1hour per session) Some weekends, i could spend the weekend to masturbate, masturbate during 2 hours, then stop, then 2 more hours, until skin's injure to the penis. Forced to stop after trying still en still, but there is blood and a lot of pain and it's hard to continue too much
- a lot of alcohol during the weekend (1 liter of vodka per night, so 2 time per week)
- Zolpidem, my tops is 10 pills in one time, but i took 2-5 per weeks on average (i tried, at my top, to mix, all soft things to sleep with zolpidem and alcohol)
- big aches problem because of the lactose (all the fucking time..)
- my best friend was brain fog and the gym, because yes, i began to go to the gym at 17 yo because of a girl, but i trained 6 yo for just a tad of progression, but i can't ditch something when i have a goal)
- 1 or 1,5 liter of cafein per day (redbull and coffee)


22 years old, fellas, i was feeling nothing, like the void, my desire for love was not there anymore, finally i had a girlfriend but i couldn't be excited by her. So i met her at 22, my first girlfriend, and she brokes up with me 3 months afterward. Desesperate circle over and over and over there. THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO, brain fog since 12 yo, problem to speak clearly, need a lot of effort to be good at speaking, lose my words, no self-confidence, doubt about my skill (do i am able to speak french ? can i do this presentation in french ? fuck dude you are french native, what the **** with you ?). Good grades at school but like i could lose my skills, like i have no skills, like i have not a solid base, good to think (with a happy brain fog ) but with no frame around.

THEN I SAID FUCK, NEW GOAL TO IMPROVE MY FUCKING MEMORY,
i wanted to kill myself and had no energy, with one rule, you can kill yourself, but "dead < nothing" so " everything > nothing". And then i told myself, dude try "whatever" and if you fail, kill yourself it's ok. Somehow, I began to read (i couldn't read well since my 13 yo, some problem to keep the information when i read, maybe my memory), i found a book about the memory, and then i understood i need to improve my baseline before to improve my memory. So i worked on my lifestyle, i became a chemist at the same time(nootropic).

personal development (learn to manage motivation and energy and habits) + schedule of my days + reading books

Nowadays, i have a big chart with all the rules and process to become a beast from nothing, but it's not accurate and just big tricks who helped me.

DUDE I FEEL LIKE A BEAST, 14839 IQ, NO BRAIN FOG, BRAIN FOG WAS NOT THE NORMAL STATE, I CAN THINK NOW LIKE I COULD THINK 2 DAYS PER YEAR BEFORE, BUT NOW ALL THE TIME. I KICKED OFF ALL THE ADDICTION. FROM A STATE OF SUICIDE DESIRE AND NO ENERGY NO FEELINGS OF LIVE TO A GOD MODE COMPARED (MY MEMORY IS SO FUCKING HUGE AND I DIDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO IMPROVE IT WITH METHODS)

i'm into the last one, the last addiction, the big monster, the fetish one (feminization, BBC, chastity, sissy, all this shit), it became weaker the last 3 months (when i started my trial to go out of the state of suicide mindset). But still there (more like thinking about this fetish but with girls on instagram and my imagination). I'm on day 5 of nofap (but my brain fog began to go away during the last week, so before i began to nofap). After 3 days of nofap i was like in god mode, i eat books and i eat matter, i can run story on my head (it's natural) and remember about all the details of the little stories. I'M ABLE TO DO SOME IMPROVEMENT IN ACTIVITY (for the first time on my life i make progress in english, i was bad all my life with just the average but no comprehension, since 1 week, it's so fucking easy to learn this language, i know i need to do writing and speaking exercises, i will, i swear, and sorry for my mistakes on the text, it's a one-way writing, i don't have the time to check the text but the thinking is there).

So today, 28.10.2020, i'm on day 5 of nofap, i just want to rewire my reward system like the people said. So i need to overcome the symptom, it's not so hard but i felt like big heartbeats the last 2 days during the evening. Big picture with mix of climax thinking. My brain try to fight. When i do sport or something that tire me, i feel a big vulnerability and all the symptom hard. I go for a walk when i feel this. I hope i will win this fight. Fellas, please, fight your addiction and become the best copy of yourself, i swear it worths it.

Sequel in 5 or 10 days, with a best text quality i promise. Thank you for your reading.

Beast_XX

 

come in DM (private) we could talk ! and be a pair (partner of nofap) maybe !