Hijacked Sexuality

andrewdominichiggins

andrewdominichiggins

Fapstronaut
I am becoming more and more aware of the psychological damage that PMO has done to me over the years. I have realised that it has confused my sexuality massively and eroded my connection with my inner masculinity. For years I have thought I was bi-sexual because of what I thought was an attraction to both sexes, (confused more by being hooked to macrophilia of both types from an early age). However, recently through meditation and soul searching I have come to the conclusion that in reality, I am not attracted to men, but rather, I envy certain male physical and psychological qualities that I see in others and feel I lack myself, that is to say, I am attracted to other men's attributes not the men themselves. This I think comes from years of PMO abuse which has given me a 'loser' personality type that feels inferior and bereft of my inner manliness. Also, the lack of interest in women that I sometimes feel (I wake up feeling like one way or another most days), is, infact connected to my fear of them, again a result of the 'loser' personality type that PMO has inflicted upon me. I fear women because I don't feel I am good enough, not 'male' enough to form bonds with them, and why would I? I cannot control my own mind, nor, (as my PIED suggests), my body, therefore constantly reinforcing the idea that I am not powerful and therefore not a 'real man'. Since I officially started to battle PMO last November, and all the thought pattern and behavioral changes that come with said fight, I have noticed that I am getting more and more glimpses of the 'real me', the 'real man' that is my birth right, underneath years of dirt and scum and pollution. I notice that after around 5-7 days of abstinence, my apparent 'attraction' to men falls away to nothing and I start noticing girls like Adam seeing Eve for the first time! I begin to feel like maybe I could actually form a bond with them, and maybe I am not totally worthless.

HOWEVER. To date, my best run is 20 days and that was only recently. I am trying to engage in a whole life change programme i.e. going the gym, eating right, meditation, seeking social situation, no alcohol, trying to generally better myself. But the depression and anxiety that have built up in me since I was 15, cause me soooo much mental pain that my mind just keeps breaking and like scared horse, keeps running back to the false medicine that is PMO.

I'm really at a loss here guys, feels like I just can't win this :/
 
Hi Andrew,

I just read your post, and, your last sentence:
"I'm really at a loss here guys, feels like I just can't win this"

This is not reality, this are thoughts your mind generates now,
don't believe them, don't fight them, don't grip on them! It's a mind trick!
When we give energy by fighting, they keep growing...

You need to do the same job with these kind of thoughts as the job you do when
porn thoughts comes into your mind... It's exactly the same job.
Exactly as you, do meditation, you look at thoughts and emotions passing by,
they will always vanish after a while. Eventhough it may appear like eternity.

I started PM on the 11 of november, keeping O with my girlfriend. And today
after the weekend O, I'm experiencing a violent chasing effect. I think it slows down
the reboot quit a lot. I'm wondering about turning PMO, but that will have an effect on the relation for sure.

I also wondered much about my sexuality as I'm attracted to crossdressing, transexuals and sissy porn...
I came to the same conclusion like you. I'm not attracted to men. It's P and M that twisted my views.
Thank you so much for writing about that, I feel close to you in your experience.

I wish you all the energy and love you need. Keep going in that storm, sun is always here over the clouds
(our thoughts) ;-)

Yvan
 
Just wanted to say I am not in the same boat as you but one of my AP's is exactly like this. I had to look at your name a few times to make sure I was not writing to my AP. Wow, great post and info, just keep up the journey. The mind is a crazy thing in this journey and is your biggest enemy it will tell you everything it can to get it's fix. Have you kept a journal and written down the reasons why you have fallen each time. Or log in what made you relapse so you can be on the look out next time you feel something coming on?
 
thats a great idea! I really should write down the relapse factors, could you possibly mention this post to your AP to see if he'd be interested in talking?
 
andrewdominichiggins said:
HOWEVER. To date, my best run is 20 days and that was only recently. I am trying to engage in a whole life change programme i.e. going the gym, eating right, meditation, seeking social situation, no alcohol, trying to generally better myself. But the depression and anxiety that have built up in me since I was 15, cause me soooo much mental pain that my mind just keeps breaking and like scared horse, keeps running back to the false medicine that is PMO.

I'm really at a loss here guys, feels like I just can't win this :/
Click to expand...

It's awesome that you're working towards changing your life for the better, however, maybe you're bitting off more than you can chew. I would recommend picking one change and focusing the main portion of your energy on that one thing. This will help you not feel so overwhelmed and sometimes you will find you will indirectly be achieving the other goals because you're doing everything you can to accomplish that one goal. Does that make sense?
 
but ive heard others say that merely tackling PMO whilst not making other lifestyle changes is a recipe for failure, also it leaves the door open to replacing the dopamine hit with something else like comfort eating, or alcohol? x
 
andrewdominichiggins said:
but ive heard others say that merely tackling PMO whilst not making other lifestyle changes is a recipe for failure, also it leaves the door open to replacing the dopamine hit with something else like comfort eating, or alcohol? x
Click to expand...
I'm not talking about focusing just on staying away from PMO. I'm talking about picking one of the changes that you want to incorporate into your life like "going to the gym" and focusing all of your energy on that one goal. By doing this you will be working towards something and in order to achieve that goal you will naturally alter other areas of your life. For example you will start eating better because you do not want your gym time/sessions to be pointless.
 
Andrew,
Thanks for posting this as this is something I have struggled with. I was verbally and socially abused during my young impressionable years by family and then peers especially or mostly by men & boys. I so much wanted to be part of the male social group but was never accepted. This was compounded because the abuse affected my behavior and my behavior invited more abuse. By the time I was 11, I had run into LGBT porn by accident and I was hooked. I started PMO by the time I was 14 and bounced between hetero porn and homo porn. I was pulled into homo porn because it acted as a soothing balm when I could objectify men and later erotic fantasies included those that abused me. Now, I have a difficult time relating to men in a normal non-sexual way. I keep my feelings hidden but when I go to the gym I am tormented by the perceived rejection and can't allow myself to break into any new hetero male relationships, none that are meaningful anyway. This builds until I have to have PMO to release this tension and the cycle starts all over again. I love sex with women but it does not scratch that itch that the PMO does because the PMO is the drug that temporarily deadens the pain of my past. If it was not for the pain, I would not be male attracted. I totally get your statement about being attracted to certain male attributes and not men themselves. Porn, and in this case gay porn, has taught me that the objectification of men and male attributes causes me to feel accepted and part of that manly quality I think I am missing in myself. I would like to discuss this further as I am really ready to leave this disaster behind me. Keep up your whole transformation, I have been bettering myself in similar ways over the past year. I just try to keep focused on the journey, it helps overcome times of failure more quickly.
 
Shit dude - it was almost as if I could have written your post!

After a lot of consideration, I concluded that I am not strictly gay. But like you I got seriously turned on by supermasculine dudes, in my case with perfect bodies and successful careers, and would pursue such fantasies in chat rooms.

Of course, wasting time in fantasy land only draws ourselves further away from this masculine ideal.

I guess the solution is to turn ourselves into those superstuds we fantasised over?
 
I relate greatly to a lot of the experiences being shared here. For me, my addiction revolves around humiliation/submissiveness. I have watched a lot of bi videos and more and more it is all I search for. I am really mixed up with my sexuality but I believe the biggest test is to take sex out of the equation and explore what you are attracted to and feel most right being intimate with. For me, I think of cuddling and in no way do I ever see myself being that physically close with a man. In videos, the men are just simply props to further the humiliation experience. I don't see myself as manly, and when you said something about being envious of men, it made me realize that the functioning of what I choose to watch has to do with masculinity envy, as I struggle with PIED. I still think that the porn has morphed my personality and masculinity though. On more than one occasion, new people in my life or friends of friends have thought I might be gay. Just the other night, one of my best friends pointed out that I looked "gay for" a bartender who was actually a friend that I shoot the shit with often when I go into that place. I'm starting to really open my eyes to what is happening to me with my addiction and hoping to finally make the right changes. Since we have the same experiences, would anyone here like to partner up for some accountability?
 
Interesting discussion, I too can relate. I know it's just porn that has warped my brain, but in a sense it's a good thing because to me it highlights the damage that can be caused and motivates me to take action.
 
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