Hitting rock bottom is what it took

Hey guys. My story is a long one so bear with me. I started masturbating at a very young age. I was probably set up for failure with my mind. I'm a very obsessive type of person. I would play video games for hours without even eating. I'm a daydreamer who fantasizes constantly. Anyways, I started at Probably 8? I can't quite remember. I would basically hump couches and rub myself because it felt good. I did this for awhile and then stopped because I got caught by family and they didn't really care but it was embarrassing. Then puberty hormones started rolling in and it came back more. Watching any shows with women with big boobs got me going. For awhile this went on.

I discovered actual porn through friends and was utterly disgusted. Didn't interest me in the slightest. Years go by and I look at "sexy pictures" of women and rub myself. Eventually, when I was probably about 13 it turned to actual genuine masturbation. I remember jacking off until I came the first actual time. That's when I really got into masturbation. I was watching videos of nude and clothed women. I have a fetish (always had it) and thankfully I think it kind of kept things at bay in terms of actual porn. I got off more on fetish content and that was always focused on women. I began jerking off all the time though. I was able to get a girlfriend and I wasn't quite warped by porn at that point. I was able to get hard easily and enjoy sexual things with her. I had quite a few sexual experiences during this time that I enjoyed fully. We broke up and I was jacking off a lot. At my friends house whenever I got the chance. Somewhere in the 16 range is when it started getting ugly.

I liked to prolong the enjoyment of masturbation anyway so I'd edge for as long as I could. Then I discovered kegels and basically holding back your orgasm/ejaculation. I wanted to be skilled at sex so this was a double whammy of wanting to get "better" and being able to jerk off a lot. I had this going on as well as an intense sexual frustration that I couldn't escape. I had a period of time where I had basically no girls to mess around with and this was killing me. It seemed like even when girls liked me things just didn't go my way. I also didn't understand the "logistics" of sex. I had a one night stand once but it seemed like people were just having sex and I was struggling to make that move. I had been rejected a couple of times and I think this really killed my confidence. I turned to masturbation as it was reliable. I got into weirder videos. Farting, scat, an occasional puke video. Most was centered around my fetish though. And though I had thought of TS here and there as a possibility, I never entertained it or even masturbated to it. What's funny is I was straight as an arrow growing up and even when guys do their whole weird homoerotic bonding I didn't like it. Strangely, one time I got very high and one of my main thoughts of the trip was "I should stop masturbating so much".

Well anyways, I ended jerking off 3 times in one day and inadvertently caused Peyronie's disease. I was doing those kegels to become multi orgasmic, and i was able to stay hard after orgasm. This turned out to be a curse and after doing it for months one day I guess I just completely fucked up my dick from over masturbation. It was extremely painful and scary as a young man to experience this. My dick got a dent and scar tissue. The bending wasn't too severe but erections became painful and my flaccid penis was hard. Despite this I was able to get a gf. That lasted about a year. Sex was okay but difficult at times, and I struggled to get it up at times. This was probably a combo of PIED and Peyronies. My condition stabilized over the course of the relationship but it was definitely a pain. My tailbone would frequently flare up with pain, likely related to the pelvic floor muscles. We broke up and I continued to struggle with my condition. At this point I was practically agoraphobic (due to other factors) All I did was sit inside watch tv do some of my hobbies and jack off to porn. I eventually went to chat sites for my fetish. This was a brand new experience as I got to jack off to girls nudes that I actually interacted with.

At first I would use Omegle to just RP, then realized you could find actual contacts on there who would send you nudes. I became more cautious as I realized people could just be guys faking so I stopped jerking off to them unless I knew for sure they were women through pics and vids. I also started using dating sites and sexting with people on there. I also watched a lot of fetish content (non hardcore) and occasional hardcore stuff, all related to my fetish.

Masturbation had become a self soothing mechanism at this point, as well as a way to check on my condition. I once did a one month bout of nofap in between and it seemed like coming back my condition had worsened, so I decided I couldn't stop until I was in a better place. This cycle continued for awhile. The erections were sometimes painful sometimes not and my flaccid penis was still hard. I discovered some supplement one could take to help, so I bought some and began to work on it. They did help, slowly but surely. I also bought medical devices that help the condition over the years, gradually improving my condition until where I am now (much better). I began to start watching hardcore porn again somewhere in there. I mostly gravitated towards amateur and any good fetish content which was more rare. I started talking to girls locally and hanging out.

It was a crazy time because my penis had healed enough to where I was confident in it and could feel I could have sex again. I was starting to socialize again after isolating myself from the outside world. One girl I was seeing I began fucking and it actually was going quite well. My condition continued getting better and slightly worse (a sort of 3 steps forward 2 steps back thing it had been doing over my healing). I continued hitting on girls and talking to all types. Sexting with the ones too far away and sexting with the ones close. Masturbating a lot, having sex with one again, fooling around with others. The girl I was fucking around with had actually left for awhile and came back. She briefly dated a bisexual. We started fucking and something strange happened. Previously, I had never thought of gay things except for maybe a passing moment here and there and the whole TS thing earlier. I began doing physical work after lazing around and felt incredibly masculine like I hadn't before. Spending time in the sun.

Somehow I started to get REALLY strong gay thoughts. Like never before. It was bizarre and I believe it was just all of those factors mixed together. I've heard of people becoming like those they get organ transplants from. I think with this sexual connection I had made I was now in the same place as the bisexual guy. And that, along with raging hormones, a ton of healing to my penis now resulting in much bigger better fuller erections, and porn, I had now given these thoughts a little more room in my psyche. Now, I knew they were just thoughts, but I had not "entertained" them yet. I had not made them a true sexual fantasy by masturbating about it. I continued on my regular routines, slightly worried I had helped men masturbate on omegle without my knowledge. "How gay is that?" I wondered. Despite this, I was feeling really confident, manly, good and secure in myself.

Weirdly, I got a specific fantasy pop up in my mind during this time. I searched it up on pornhub and enjoyed. It was POV amateur and I was having fun til the end where the "girl" gets up and looks sorta..manly. Not full on but definitely a masculine looking woman. "Oh no" I think. I worry that I may have just jerked off to a guy fucking a trans. I obsessively worry and eventually get over it. "I guess I get one slip up" I thought.

Later on, the gay thoughts come on strong and for some reason this time I entertain them. I still don't know why, it truly felt like something came over me. What's weird is I had a voice in my head like "no, don't do this" . This time, I watch the video again and knowingly enjoy it. I must be into this. I go on omegle and start talking to "trans" girls about this while masturbating, the whole situation of not realizing the girl was a guy but still enjoying it anyway. One or two say it doesn't actually sound like you're into it. The last one plays along and we get an RP going. It lasted all of 1-2 minutes. I basically told him about how the video fooled me but I still thought it was hot, we talk and I say something about sucking "her" dick. He says something back and it was like in that moment it just hit me. Instant flaccid. Not into it. Close window.

Just to double check, I actually go watch a trans video. No masturbation. I look and I'm like "oh yeah wtf this is absolutely not for me, this is just weird". I also watch the aforementioned POV video and realize it WAS a girl, just a masculine looking one.

I hide from this event for awhile. A year passes and I continue to do my thing. I've healed more and I feel good about myself. I really sit and think about what I've done. I tried to run from it, but it makes me feel horrible. I feel stupid, duped. I had went my whole life without doing any gay shit and then there's this. I understand going through a gay experience isn't all that uncommon for straight people but this was just fucking embarrassing. I was actually proud of myself for avoiding gay shit all throughout high school and my adolescence. So I decided right then and there I'm going for the long haul on this one. No more jerking off. I'm now at over 5 months. The benefits are all true. I feel incredible. I feel dominant, masculine, more muscle, deeper voice, better skin, more alert, less anxious, more charismatic, more magnetic to women, smell better, all of it. I wish I had done it before hitting my rock bottom but maybe that's what it took. I'm glad I didn't have to go further like some of you to realize it and respect all of you for how far you've gotten.

One silver lining besides that is I think it took doing that to realize I may have been molested as a very young boy. That helps me forgive myself. I still feel as if my masculinity is damaged and empty inside, but that might be a combination of things other than that.

Does it get better guys? Does the shame go away, do you start feeling like a man again? I feel somewhat there through forgiving myself but man I just feel empty inside at times. I wonder if that's more related to becoming an adult and working all the time, depression from not having that chemical rush from fapping all the time. Is this just a part of healing? Because I tell you what, everything else has been going great in terms of nofap. I'm just waiting for that "MOJO" to finally return which is what I felt when I was doing outside work talking to a bunch of girls. I felt like a fucking million bucks. The way I'd put it is I traded a beautiful lie for a painful truth. At that time I felt amazing but it was built on lies. Now I feel like shit but at least I'm building my house on a solid foundation. I feel the electricity coming off of me sometimes, how strong my aura is. I feel more grounded. Better but more in reality. It's a really conflicted feeling but I'm glad I'm here. I just wanna know if that shame slowly subsides? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Something to look forward to and be proud of when you get there? I'm already happy I kicked my habit with no issue.