HoCD, BDD and feeling inferior to/intimidated by other guys

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Apr 25, 2019.

  1. For some reason I have always been shy, anxious and felt inferior to other people my age. What describes my feelings best is the feeling you have when you have your first day at school and how the older guys are "cool" and "scary". It doesn't matter who they are; They're intimidating anyway. That's kind of how my life has been. I grew up among women and had little to no contact with guys other than my (beta) dad and my friends. I was an only child and a fat push-over who treated anyone who'd be friends with me like they were the ones with the upper hand, who could boss me around. I never had any romantic feelings toward guys, I just simply felt they where better than me and kind of idolized and admired them. I liked girls and had romantic and sexual fantasies about them, though I would say I was a late bloomer (didn't care much about them before I was 15-16) .

    Years goes by and I'm becoming frustrated over that no girls seems to care about me. I started to PMO 2-3 times a day, thinking that this was normal. I read books about how to get girls interested in me and tried to improve myself. I started paying attention to who they liked and hoping I could learn something from them. I would compare myself to everyone else, especially my friends, and I started to feel inferior to all of them appearance-wise. Even ugly guys would look good in my eyes, compared to me. I started hating my flaws and my body. I avoided looking into mirrors and if I did I would obsess over my shortcomings. I didn't know what a good-looking guy looked like, but I "liked" everyone else's appearance more than my own. I would begin searching on celebrities I knew girls liked and comparing my height, size of hands, appearance etc and to my features in every way. I became envious of guys who looked normal and didnt have my flaws.
    I eventually got in shape and girls started getting interested, but I was still the fat and shy guy mentally. I sleept with a few girls and spent time with my male friends. Guys who were not my friends were still scary. Otherwise everything was normal.

    One day a girl kind of jokingly called me gay because I was kind and not "typically manly". I knew I wasn't so I didn't care. I overheard a girl in class asking a friend if she thought I was gay. It was annoying that they would talk about me behind my back, especially since what they said was wrong. I brushed it off but never forgot about this episode either.
    A few years later I got really isolated and lonely after having to stay home for a long time (lasted one year) due to some diseas. I lost much of the contact I had with my friends, put on weight, and became depressed and spent most of my time infront of the computer gaming and chatting/sexting with girls. I rarely met girls IRL except from the ones I slept with (usually just once and never meet again).
    I used to be really romantic, but over time (due to PMO?) kissing, cuddeling and emotions became boring and sex was the only thing that mattered. I started becoming more and more distant to the guys I knew and became anxious around them. I didn't feel like one of the guys at all. I felt inferior all this time, but now I was even fatter and uglier than ever. People also mistook me for being a lot younger than my age, which I found embarrasing. The feeling of being a child among men was added to the mix and I was at an all time low.

    One day at school I got a crazy sensation that I really liked and was drawn to a guy I knew. He wasn't attractive or anything, but for some reason he suddenly looked "perfect". I panicked and remembered these past two episodes where they called me gay. I began looking at guys in a completely different way and all admiration and idolization suddenly became "attraction". A feeling of feeling weirdly attracted to guys I had known for a long time came sneaking, without understanding what wsd attractive about them. I didnt want anything sexual or romantic from them at all, but it was like I got a positive reaction combined with feeling inferior from looking at them. I also got weird urges to kiss guys I knew and didn't like. I have never thought about guys in neither a sexual or romantic way. I was confused and didn't take it seriously since I never felt this way before and litterally any guy gave me this feeling, no matter how he looked. I stopped making eye contact with guys and became even less social. I also stopped watching TV because ugly old male actors suddenly became attractive to me and I was constantly checking their looks. Weirdly enough this period was so crazy that I never thought that I was actually gay. I still liked girls, I just spent a lot of time analyzing and checking guys.
    This lasted for some months but vanished and I kind of forgot all about it, because everything seemed so normal again once it was over.
    I have had short periods like this every 2-3 years, but still didn't take it seriously because it seemed so random and illogical. But even in my "off"-periods I would get a bit anxious around good looking guys. I also remember muting songs with the word "gay" for some reason, even if I knew I wasn"t gay

    It wasn't untill I was going to get married with my GF of 5 years things started getting bad. I just wanted to get this nagging "you are gay" voice in the back of my head gone once and for all. I tried to make sense of it all and dug into this crazyness. It was like using ctrl+f and search for the word gay in the transcription of my entire life. Every little episode, every weird feeling, every guy I think look good, every objectively attractive girl that I didnt like, underwhelming sex, everything I have in common with stereotypical gays. I began thinking my voice and mannerisms was effeminate. I notice the smell of every guy I walk by, which I have never done before. Almost every guy I look at looks "perfect" and I get the feeling I really like them, without knowing them or finding them objectively attractive. I began doubting my attraction to girls and my current GF. I stare at guys and in one second they dont bother me at all, and in the next I feel im in love with them.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  2. I understand if this thread is confusing. What I tried to describe is how I have never been a part of a masculine environment growing up among women. And due to depression and isolation has been distanced from the little male impact my father and friends had on me. The more distanced I became from other men the more of an enigma "men" became. It's like I never learned to act like a man, and this has led to me not feeling like "one of the guys" and also idolizing those who where "one of the guys" and had what I lacked. I always knew I liked girl, so I just avoided being around men, since I felt inferior around them anyway. It's like I'm afraid of men because I feel they can sense my lack of masculinity. The only people I feel "safe" around is girls whom I don't find attractive, because I don't feel I have to impress them in anyway. I'm a nervous wreck around girls I find attractive, and among guys I just keep quiet to don't ridicule myself.

    My poor self-image and lack of self-esteem began with not feeling good enough and being ugly. Being ugly led to me to obsess over my flaws and trying to cover them up. I became extremely self-conscious. By obsessing over my flaws I also noticed how unflawed other guys seemed to be compared to me. I just wanted to look "normal" and this made "normal" looks something I envied in other men. I didn't want to have sex with them or anything romantic, I just wanted to switch looks with them. Over the years I didn't feel manly enough and that is when "ugly" dudes became "attractive", because I admired their manliness and felt inferior to them.

    After HOCD entered my life being one on one, like talking and making eye contact, with a guy became overwhelming and I would get weird thoughts and feel extremely inferior. Even making eye contact with my dad is hard for me. With girls it's entirely opposite, and I feel really manly and assertive.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  3. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    will take time to read it !
     
    CH3RRY and Deleted Account like this.
  4. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

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    I understand you, it's the inferiority complex you've had that gets you to the hocd.
    but don't worry if you've always been attracted to girls, there is no latent homosexuality, especially at 33 years.
     
    SpringWater, CH3RRY and ivanhoe like this.
  5. I really hope so. The thing is that what I see is still the same as before, only now it gives me some kind of respons that I really liked it. I didn't notice guys at all before, but if someone asked me about their appearance I could say "I kinda see why girls would like this guy".

    I could easily admit that a guy was good looking before, but now the same guy would give me a respons like I'm really falling for him and find him attractive. And I would get the same respons from half the guys out there. It's like HOCD gave men a x-factor that I only found in girls before. All guys positive traits are magnified like 10x and even ugly guys look irresistible. It's like it doesn't matter how he looks, because when I'm close to him and make eye-contact with him I will fall for him and thinks he looks good anyway.
     
    AngeZarate10 likes this.
  6. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

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    go to a psychologist, but don't take drugs.
     
  7. 19m

    19m Fapstronaut

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    i kind of the same way but ive gone into crossdresser porn and stuff and its making me more sad because i dont want to be that person and i dont know what to do am i bi ? ive always been straight but cant get horny to women much and more and its been freaking me out
     
    Xaviar.marshall likes this.
  8. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    Bro I totally feel this man...it feels like I'm not attracted to women any more...my whole life before this was me druling over females..wanting to have everything to do with them...i have fallen in love 3 times before this..but It was always one sided and I got rejected..then o began to watch porn i started with rubbing porn and no penetration but now I'm on 3d hentai and face fucking.....now it's like o don't get hard to females as much...i also have a fear that I'm going to fall in love with my best friend...its so weird man I hate this man...cam some one help me...im 17
     
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  9. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    Been where you at !
    It's is not a nice place. It is hell to be honest.

    But bare with it and you will come out the other side man ! For me acceptence of the posibility of being gay was a breaking point. Then i notised that i was only physicaly it was intresting and i would not want a relationship. I just wanted to be used and and feel degraded.

    Write me when ever you want, if you want to talk !
    Hang in there ! Peace !
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Inkazak

    Inkazak Fapstronaut

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    Hey there,
    So first of all - and I don’t think this is said enough - being attracted to men is fine. Being gay is fine, being straight is fine, being bi is fine. I have a complicated story myself, but I am short, bald (so not attractive by society’s standards) and i also have had sexual encounters with other men. - when i was single. I am married to a woman who knows this and is totally fine with it. We even have a running joke about how I’m “not THAT gay”. I own it. I had great fun with guys, but I don’t think i could ever date one - I don’t feel emotionally connected to men. I don’t tell every single person i encounter, but if it cmes up, I’m not embarrassed to say that i find men and women attractive. Sometimes, that sense of something being forbidden makes it attractive. The more you try to push something out of your mind, the more you want to poke around at it. So be okay. You might just be a straight guy who recognizes that other men are attractive, you might be bi/gay/pan whatever. And its all okay. Maybe your attracted to men physically but not emotionally, or maybe envy is something arousing to you. But remember that noticing something or someone is beautiful, does not make you attracted to it sexually. I think plankton is amazing and lovely but I’m not interested in having sex with it.Stop worrying if you can, if you are single, maybe seek out a safe and consensual person to experiment with. You might find it is 100 percent not for you. You might find it is for you. I think worrying about it is what’s making it hardest.
     
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  11. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    I think first staying away from porn for at least a year..testing it out isn’t a good idea until you first do that.

    The damage from testing something like this out can be devestating
     
  12. Inkazak

    Inkazak Fapstronaut

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    Oh ok. Cool. We just disagree then. I think porn and excessive masturbation are the issues, not consensual sex. But sure, it all depends on his goals. I know some people are trying to not orgasm at all for x amount of days. But others (such as myself) are focused on escaping porn-focused masturbation. So hooking up with someone (regardless of gender) wouldn’t be harmful to the goal, what do you think ? Oh and there really is no damage from experimenting sexually with another consensual person, so I’m not sure what you mean there.
     
  13. Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate it! Btw, I have a GF whom I've been with for 6 years:) My feelings for girls are pretty much the same as always as long as I don't panic. These weird feelings for guys are just added to

    I have no idea what caused this- though I know a lot of things that could contribut to this, which I mentioned earlier- but I really think there's something else than being gay behind it. The thing is this whole reaction to guys feels like a "glitch", and I'm not saying that because I have anything against gay people, because I really don't. I wrote about all the weird stuff I experienced which I don't understand, but there is also years inbetween where everything was "normal" and guys where just guys. I have also watched a lot of pictures of guys with almost no cloths (I'm a personal trainer) and never gotten slightly attracted by it.

    I think almost all guys looks good now. How weird is that? People that I have known for years which I didn't find attractive before, people that got bullied because of their looks, people who actually is severely handicapped (seriously). I'm not saying that these are unloveable so there must be a "glitch" in my interpretation of them. What I mean is that I get a feeling I'm attracted to them because of their appearance. In my eyes they all look perfect now, and that is what I find so disturbing. I'm just as attracted to these guys I mentioned as I am to any other guy who really is "perfect". Looks really doesn't matter. It's the consept "men" I have an issue with. I feel so fucking inferior to them, like I'm a disgrace as a man. When I socialize I'm always in my head and extremely self conscious about my posture, hands, if I said anything wrong or thinking about what I should have said instead. I really can't think of any guy that I don't feel inferior to.

    This is what happens to me several times a day:
    I see a random guy I have to walk past in 5 sec-> I kind of panic but get relieved when I notice that he doesn't look good at all-> We're closing in on each other and I try to put on a brave face and tell my mind that this situation doesn't stress me at all-> We're next to each other and I smile politely at him and our eyes meet-> I instantly check out his face. It only takes a millisecond, as a part of an instant checking routin which I can't controle-> I hold my breath in panic and the entire setting feels really intense, like there's a lot at stake here-> We pass eachother and I'm left with a feeling that I really like him and are attracted to him, but have no idea why. I also get a urge that I have to kiss him, sometimes, like I physically have to focus on not kissing him-> my mind is just a mess and I'm back in a ruminating mode where I question everything
     
  14. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    What I mean is if he experiments, but his gay thoughts are porn related, he may hate himself for trying this after..knowing he was with a man. It’s like a virgin, once with a girl, can’t go back.
     

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