[HOCD] Brain maybe using HOCD to get porn or maybe repressing gay thoughts with straight porn

So I freaked out with HOCD at the end of january this year. Since then, my longest nofap streak was 2 months and since then, I can't stay away from porn more than a week.

The night in which I really freaked out about HOCD for the first time was when I decided I should test myself. I opened up a tumblr with pictures of naked guys, not gay sex. I got hard really fast. This is the first point: shouldn't people addicted to porn only get hard to GAY SEX instead of pictures of them? Because I think they get excited at the fact that there are 2 guys having sex.... but in the pictures nobody was having sex and I got hard anyway.

Last year, I used to fap almost everyday. In the last two months, I've been trying not to fap but can't stay away from porn more than a week. When 7 days is completed, I start feeling shit, HOCD all over my head and I end up going to porn to reassure myself. The thing here is, if my brain is using the HOCD as a way to get dopamine, why do I feel so shitty even after I'm finished?

Why do I get nervous when there are pretty guys my age around me? Must mean I'm gay... but what about that girl.......... This is my usual day of thoughts.

Now... I relapsed only an hour ago and I feel shitty as hell. The thing here is, I've read a story of a guy who is gay but had POCD (fear of being a pedophile) and he was making some comparisons between being on the closet and having a mental disorder. So it happens that his biggest point was that he actually got hard to other guys but not to children. This is where i freaked out: as stated before in this text, I did get hard to pictures of naked guys.

What if my brain is not using the HOCD to get porn, but rather I am gay but I use porn to repress everything at the excuse of HOCD? Would I get hard to a girl in real life, wouldn't I get hard to a guy in real life?

I started porn with only 8. I started getting really into porn when I was 14. I noticed I was getting hard to guys when I was 15 or maybe earlier. The gay guy said he started noticing his sexuality when he was aroundly 13-14.... so maybe I am but have been so much into porn that I didn't notice... but now it is too much to deny.

And a thing that has been into my mind in the last few days: I remember reading somewhere months ago that sexuality could change if a person had a big shock or something but nothing scientifically proved and is probably bullshit but it has been on my mind. It would explain why I liked so much watching straight porn and had a few girl crushes but now I'm like this. Do you think this is possible? I am afraid, really afraid. In the last few days, I've been feeling I'm in the closed but throughout the year I've had my "free of HOCD" moments that I suddenly realize that this is all bullshit and I'm straight but within a couple of minutes I'm deep in it again. Oh my god i regret so much I relapsed today, I'm only feeling worse.

Thanks for reading the wall text, I really needed to talk to someone about this.

 

Yesterday night I was feeling real bad about all this. Spent about 3 or 4 hours in the bed until I had a lapse of reality and suddenly realized I shouldn't be giving the smallest fuck of all. I will try as much as I can to enjoy everything life throws at me and if I get an opportunity of being with another man and I want to, I will do it and whatever, the same with women.
If I want to be gay, then so be it. Nobody has nothing to do with it. I once read somewhere that you shouldn't put fire on yourself to make people around you feel warmer, and that's exactly how I feel. If they don't want to have a gay friend, then they can go fuck themselves for all I care. Why would I stop doing the things I love and trying to reach my objectives because I'm in conflict with myself about what exactly I like? Hell I don't get like this when I'm going to decide which icecream I like more.

For now, I will try not to be partial and try not to do this with the "in the end I'll know I'm straight" thought because if I do, it makes no sense to do this at all. What I really want right now and I guess what everybody with HOCD wants is an answer, and this will give it to me, be it one or the other. Maybe tomorrow I'll be feeling bad an depressed again, but I'll let tomorrow's problems for tomorrow's me.