HOCD confusion

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Jack York, Nov 30, 2017.

  1. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    This is going to be a long one.


    Ok. I don’t really know where to start. I’ve been worrying about being gay for years now. And it’s only recently read about hocd. And it’s taken me about a week to get the courage to post here. Bit nervous of how this will be received.


    So I started watching porn when I was 13. And it was online porn too. It was straight and vanilla. And it escalated to more extreme stuff, but still straight. This is where it gets complicated. I’m not a mans man. I am a little camp, but when I was younger at high school I was very camp. And I came from a rough working class area that didn’t look to fondly on that. So I was often called gay and even my friends thought I was gay for a long time until a couple of years ago really. I was often teased for it. It even extends to my family. Who would often say stuff like “bring it down a bit” or “lower your pitch”. It sounds horrible but they knew my problems at school so they were only trying to help by letting me know that I was going far.


    Anyway. When I was about 15, I decided to watch some gay porn. I remember the first time it disgusted me. I turned it off after like a minute and went back to straight. Stayed off it for a while. Then slowly it became my go to. And again, reached extremes. Since then I haven’t really ever been back to straight porn, just in random periods. Now it has gotten to the point of me only being aroused by men. Women, yes but one in the extremes of straight porn. And I usually flick back over to gay anyway. This does scare me as I don’t know what I am.


    I have always said I was straight. And my housemates have said a few times that they’d be surprised if I came out as gay all of a sudden. Ages ago I have fancied girls, organised a few dates even (no luck getting a second one though. Been stood up in 2 of them) but now I don’t know. I would say I’m more romantically interested in women. But I’m more easily aroused by men. Even now, I’m looking for a female relationship, but I’d go home and fap to gay porn. It frightens me.


    So yeah. I’ve been dealing with this constant question for the past 4 or 5 years. And I still don’t have an answer, I’ve come up with many thoughts but nothing helps. And it’s getting to an unbearable level. I’ve even thought about going and having sex with a man to see whether I like it, to the point where I got an infamous app. But I deleted it within 10 minutes. And as for trying to get a girlfriend I’ve had no luck ever. So it makes me think I am gay.


    This was all brought on today, even though I’ve been thinking of posting for a while now, as I was studying and I had something like a porn flashback to some gay porn I watched a lot. This rocked my confidence and I really wanted to go and fap to it to make sure of...something, I don’t know.


    Obviously. (And I’m sure this goes without saying) but I have no problem with gay people or bisexuals or etc. This is just worrying me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2017
  2. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    I mean, is this HOCD? or am I gay? will the reboot do anything for it? should I worry? should I expect days like this in the reboot?
     
  3. nalimsky

    nalimsky Fapstronaut

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    sounds like pure HOCD, you have to do full reboot and see what's gonna happen with your brain

    i don't have time now, but i'll write later here my story (remind me please if i forget to write it)...i had almost similar experience...
     
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  4. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I am on the same boat with you right now.. I am hoping that this reboot would help.
     
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  5. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    This explains me as well..

    I hope you find answers soon, and maybe share it with me.
     
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  6. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    So, if you’re willing. Share your story please. :)
     
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  7. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    Cheers mate. Hopefully it will. I will talk about any developments :)
     
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  8. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Highly appreciated. Obviously any answer won't present itself unless a complete reboot is done, how long though? I'd never know, I haven't really reached a significant amount of sobriety, but here's hoping it'll change.
     
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  9. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    I imagine.... a very long time. Good thing this is here.
     
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  10. aussieguy

    aussieguy Fapstronaut

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    hey @Jack York I am addicted to gay porn only. but I love my wife and i have great sex with her.
    sexuality is fluid, it changes with the seasons, with the weather, with what your habit has become, with who you're around.
    stay sober, like really stay sober, no matter how hard, and then you will know who you are.
    hope this helps buddy. reach out, private message, whatever, if you need.
     
  11. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    Thank you. :)
     
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  12. Neophyte

    Neophyte Fapstronaut

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    Me when the hocd kicks in.
     

    Attached Files:

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  13. nalimsky

    nalimsky Fapstronaut

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    Ok. I don't have too much things to say. I was into porn and masturbation since i was 14 year old. I started just with fapping, without porn then i saw porn and some magazines. Ok. It was fine for me to masturbate to it. Then i saw porn video whene woman take it in ass. I was very young and i saw she really enjoy it, i tried also it together with normal masturbation. I had orgasm i less than 2 seconds. I did some anal masturbation. During time i was only on anal porn (yeah, i imagined "thing" in my ass and mouth) . Sometimes i watched tranny, but never gay. But i was aroused when i was reading gay stories. Just to mention, i never was aroused by male body or something like it (it's one of main signs you have HOCD). It was only aboutdick and that's all. Then i discovered noFap. I was pretty sure i am not PA and i decided to do full reboot. I did it and only time when i want dick and anal masturbation was day after hard drinking, so during hangover. Now i didn't drink almost 1 month and i don't have any urge for my described fetish. Also i did experiment, my last relapse was planned, i watched again anal porn, fapped to it and it doesn't arouse me anymore, i don't have any desire to watch porn or fap or do anal masturbation (i had strong anal orgasms). Maybe i am in some sort of flatline (i fapped for 20 years to porn).

    Oh yes, i did full reboot at 5th try. My relapse before i did full reboot was hell, when i saw porn my whole body was shaking, i can't describe that dopamine rush. Like alcohol addict. And i was almost SURE i am not addicted to porn.

    It's my short story, i will add some more details later if i remember something.

    Also you need to do full reboot to see where are you, but if you are not atracted to males it's HOCD.
     
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  14. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    Thanks mate for sharing. hopefully the reboot will clear a lot up for me :D
     
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  15. grandstand 1

    grandstand 1 Fapstronaut

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    I am on day 57 and it has helped me a lot. I am 47, and had little exposure to porn before the internet. I never thought much about a possibility of being gay until porn. Being hung short made me want to see other guys... and a vicious problem began. I was never good at sports and didn't alwaysvh have a lot of male friends until college...so putting all of the pieces together will help explain where all this may have started.
     
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  16. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    @grandstand 1 @Arohamystic
    Thank you for your responses. means a lot that people are willing to read. and thank you for sharing your stories.

    it's nice to know that everyone is so understanding. :D

    i'll just have to find out what I am after the reboot.
     
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  17. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    This does sound like HOCD and as someone who went through a similar situation I think I know where it has come from. You've turned to porn as an outlet for negative emotions and due to this problem eventually you started consuming porn that didn't align with your genuine sexual tastes. This has gone on for so long that, combined with the bullying you received, its led you to believe that you actually are gay as opposed to just someone who has had their perspective twisted by porn, excessive masturbation, and childish insults. The fact you haven't ever had a GF (I haven't either) has made it even easier to rationalize you being gay.

    While I never believe I suffered from HOCD, I did go through a period of a few weeks where I was convinced I was bisexual and was on the verge of "coming out" only to have that conviction broken when I realised very clearly that I have no attraction to men outside of the porn context, and that brings me neatly into this topic, the role porn has in warping the minds of young people. The brain is a complex thing, but at the same time it isn't that hard to understand, especially when it comes to porn. Simply put, porn is to real sexual experience what paint-balling is to real warfare, but the brain doesnt give a single fuck, it just craves the dopamine surge that accompanies watching porn. It doesnt care where it comes from, it just wants it, it could be straight porn, gay porn, porn where midgets rub marmalade on each other, it literally doesnt matter whatsoever. Over time the brain becomes accustomed to this and even the craziest genres stop having an effect on you, pushing you to find ones even more out there (this is also why vanilla porn starts becoming suddenly enticing again if you masturbate several times to extreme porn, once again the brain doesnt want context it just wants novelty because novelty equals dopamine). The fact that even the most vanilla of genres (excluding lesbian obviously) feature a man does nothing but reinforce the presence of men in your mind and to loop back to my original point, makes it easier to become aroused by them, not because you actually are, but simply because, in the deepest recess of your brain, you associate men with porn, and porn with dopamine, and dopamine with pleasure. The best way to break this connection is to simply stop watching porn entirely. Giving up masturbation for a time is also advised but that is up to you.

    Good luck!
     
  18. Hey @AtomicTango!! Great post!! I agree entirely with you, SSA can be acquired because of gay porn induced ideas; plus excessive masturbation without watching porn: it teaches your brain that penises are the only factor envolved in pleasure. It'd be great to hear more about your story.
     
  19. Tiello

    Tiello New Fapstronaut
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    Hello Jack, I've dealt with HOCD for 1 years and half and sometimes I'm stil dealing with it now. Often porn addiction may cause lack of desire and low libido and this lack of libido drives us nuts, we start to question the causes of this situation untill something pop in oru minds: "What if I'm gay?" the difference between an Obsessive person and a normal person is that the second one lets the thought go away, the first one start look for a certain answers and this bring us to compulsion.
    Anyway, as my psychiatrsit says, HOCD (and any other OCD) is just an expression of something more deep that we can't or don't want to deal with and 99% it has nothing to do with sexuality.
    My psychiatrist always says that OCD is like falling in a sand hole 3 foot deep. Normal people just use their hands and climb out of it, OCD people start digging thinking that digging a tunnel will make them came out from the other side, but instead they go deeper and deeper and end up completely covered by sand.
    Anyway if HOCD is ruinin you life and have a serious impact on your life quality you should talk to a psychiatrist.
    Best luck and forgive my english, it isn't my first language!
     
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  20. Jack York

    Jack York Fapstronaut

    wow. thank you. I hope that after this reboot, i'll be back to how I was 5-6 years ago.
     

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