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HOCD for 5 years now, need help

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by bob123321, Jan 25, 2017.

  1. bob123321

    bob123321 New Fapstronaut

    Hi, i'm a male 19 yo and I've had HOCD for 5 years.
    I think I might like men too, not just women.
    some parts of these 5 years have been PURE torture to me, i feel disgusted just by writing this. I've never told this to anyone.
    I have had severe depression, and i mean REALLY severe.
    I don't want anyone to spare me, I just want this doubt to end.

    For these 5 years I have been constantly testing myself by forcing gay thoughts to see if I got hard. I have also watched a crazy amount of gay porn to test myself, and I have masturbated a lot looking at gay porn (or imagining) to see if it made me hard.

    Since any proof I got was never enough, I always tried my best to like the gay thoughts/porn, because I thought "maybe I'm bissexual, but I'm just not trying hard enough". I always tried to feel, with men, for these 5 years, the same thing I feel with women.

    If I had to count how many times I have imagined gay scenes, watched gay porn or masturbated while doing those things I'd say I've done it more than thousands of times. I don't know how many thousands.

    AND in these 5 years I got hard with men an exact amount of 10 times (yes I counted).

    Nowadays, after trying so much to enjoy it, I feel like I do enjoy it, but I'm not sure. It's like I like it, but it's just not the same as with women and it just doesn't make me hard (apart from those 10 times), even when I masturbate with it, even when I try my best.

    I don't have any problems getting hard with women. In fact, masturbating, it only takes me some seconds with female friends in mind to get me hard. I also get really horny seeing my female friends.

    I never get horny seeing my male friends, and never got. I have tried though.
    I never felt any romantic feelings towards any men, but since I was very little (like 6) I've liked many, many girls. I've been in love with many women.

    Is the attraction I feel for men just my head messing with me? Is it real? Is it not real? I don't know if its real attraction or not, sometimes I feel like I've forced myself to like those gay thoughts so much that maybe I just got a little messed up in the head and some time could fix it, like maybe I developed some sort of "pseudoattraction". What makes me think that is the fact that, of those thousands of times I tested myself, even with physical friction on my penis, I only got hard 10 times.

    PLEASE help me.
  2. diddykong

    diddykong Fapstronaut

    HOCD is tough. The underlying fear is usually that you feel that you don't know your true sexual orientation.

    A book that really helped me is called Brain Lock. It gives you a simple four step system to dealing with OCD thoughts. This is an introduction: http://ocduk.org/four-steps The book doesn't make much mention of HOCD but the process is generalizable.

    You have to stop doing your rituals (testing) - it just reinforces the OCD. You are going to have to get comfortable with the idea that you could be gay (or bisexual). Try not to obsess about whether you are but rather just get used to the idea that you could be (but don't look for evidence one way or the other). If you can lose the fear of that then the OCD will go and it will all hopefully become clearer one day.

    Some people with OCD (especially if you have severe depression) need meds to help start with overcoming this so you may want to consider seeing a doctor.
  3. Hey man, I've been dealing with this myself for the last 3 years now and it's absolute torture. My issue is 17 years of porn that only recently escalated to transwoman porn in the last year or so. Analysing my past constantly and despite having multiple crushes and long term girlfriends I can't shake the thoughts of being gay. I have felt suicidal and even tried to kill myself twice before when I was a lot younger as I was groomed by a family freind when I was around 13.
    Just try and stop the porn full stop and don't dwell on thoughts, just let them be. I'm hoping a full 90 day reboot will get me back to where I once was when sex was first apparent but day 5 is today and it's already tricky. You'll be fine mate you can't turn gay.
  4. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    I don't believe that you can force yourself to be something you're not. If you're trying to do this then you're wasting your time; maybe even a little more than the rest of us! lol
    Nobody cares if you're gay or not. I believe this is about porn addiction and the consequences of chronic PMO behaviors right?!? It's as though you're seeking advice or validation of your desire to prove or disprove how gay you actually are?!?
    I don't know what anyone can say to you here except..." We don't care!"
    Now, if you said you watch porn, masturbate excessively to it and it has negatively affected your life and relationships then this seems like the right place for you.
    Gay or not gay?!? That seems like a question for a different audience. I would talk to a gay man about his PMO behaviors negatively affecting his life; but I don't think I or anyone can answer whether you could be gay or not.
    Only you can answer that question.
    So....are you?
    I wish you the best, but I don't care if you're gay bro! Only gay guys and homophobes do!
    I'm out!
  5. It's lust, not love. Like me you are straight but you could feel sexually attracted to some men too. The problem with this is that for the most part it is just all in your head. The porn makes you think you are gay when you most likely aren't. You think you could have sex with men but chances are you wouldn't in real life. This is because your heart doesn't love men. Follow your heart. Quit looking at porn. Fantasizing and real life are totally different things. You need to get that energy down again, ground yourself. You'll soon discover that you were born to be with a woman. Lust and love are two different things. A lot of men probably have the potential to feel attracted to other men but this attraction isn't nearly as strong as it is with women. You need to give it a rest and listen to your heart that is where the truth is. Hope this helps somewhat. Take care.
    Buddhabro likes this.
  6. TheLoneDanger

    TheLoneDanger Fapstronaut

    I recommend that you look at the website Your Brain On Porn, because it shows accounts of many young men with the same problems as you, and research indicating that their chronic porn use has made them develop tastes for extreme genres that don't match their identity. Plus, you stated a FACT: you've never had romantic feeling for a male as you have for a female. This leads me to believe it's the excessive porn use that makes you question your sexuality, not your actual sexuality. But it's up to you to believe in that FACT about yourself.
  7. John MccRaty

    John MccRaty Fapstronaut

    Bob, don't let that scare you. The brain's fear mechanism is so complicated it can penetrate deep into just about any department of your life and turn the things you so dearly love into your worst nightmares. You're terrified because you're able to think or behave sexually towards men? This isn't about men, it's about your fears, and let me explain why.

    A few months back I thought HOCD was the worst and most dreadful form of OCD, but just when I thought my HOCD couldn't get any worse, I began to obsess sexually about my own family members (this time females) and began to get the same physiological responses (racing heart, groinal response) that I would get with HOCD. That made me want to burn myself alive.

    That's when I began to understand the true nature of this demon. My OCD got sloppy and exposed itself. In fact, lately my OCD has been getting so sloppy that I would sexually obsess about stuff that have absolutely nothing to do with sex, like introducing one of my friends to the practice of smoking (yeah, you heard me right). It's just that introducing a non-smoker to the practice made me feel guilty or naughty, and there you have it, my penis started to get hard and my heart began to race the moment she took her first draw!

    Also did you know that some people ejaculate when they're being hanged to death? This has nothing to do with OCD but I'm sure as hell it doesn't mean they're sexually attracted to dying lol! The point is, when the function of sex in our brain malfunctions, and in many cases it does, it really has nothing to do with our sexual orientation.

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