Hi, i'm a male 19 yo and I've had HOCD for 5 years. I think I might like men too, not just women. some parts of these 5 years have been PURE torture to me, i feel disgusted just by writing this. I've never told this to anyone. I have had severe depression, and i mean REALLY severe. I don't want anyone to spare me, I just want this doubt to end. For these 5 years I have been constantly testing myself by forcing gay thoughts to see if I got hard. I have also watched a crazy amount of gay porn to test myself, and I have masturbated a lot looking at gay porn (or imagining) to see if it made me hard. Since any proof I got was never enough, I always tried my best to like the gay thoughts/porn, because I thought "maybe I'm bissexual, but I'm just not trying hard enough". I always tried to feel, with men, for these 5 years, the same thing I feel with women. If I had to count how many times I have imagined gay scenes, watched gay porn or masturbated while doing those things I'd say I've done it more than thousands of times. I don't know how many thousands. AND in these 5 years I got hard with men an exact amount of 10 times (yes I counted). Nowadays, after trying so much to enjoy it, I feel like I do enjoy it, but I'm not sure. It's like I like it, but it's just not the same as with women and it just doesn't make me hard (apart from those 10 times), even when I masturbate with it, even when I try my best. I don't have any problems getting hard with women. In fact, masturbating, it only takes me some seconds with female friends in mind to get me hard. I also get really horny seeing my female friends. I never get horny seeing my male friends, and never got. I have tried though. I never felt any romantic feelings towards any men, but since I was very little (like 6) I've liked many, many girls. I've been in love with many women. Is the attraction I feel for men just my head messing with me? Is it real? Is it not real? I don't know if its real attraction or not, sometimes I feel like I've forced myself to like those gay thoughts so much that maybe I just got a little messed up in the head and some time could fix it, like maybe I developed some sort of "pseudoattraction". What makes me think that is the fact that, of those thousands of times I tested myself, even with physical friction on my penis, I only got hard 10 times. PLEASE help me.