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HOCD GONE, Porn addiction GONE, Penis sensitive, but fantasy is still infrequent.

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by iwontfail67, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    This is like the first chapter of a success story. I would say I am about 95% of the way to where I need to be. However I am still not perfect.

    I suffered from extreme porn escalation for all my teenage life. Since the day I had PIED with a girl, I developed terrible HOCD which fucking sucked, but it made my mind stronger, and now it's essentially over, (if I manage to vigilantly stick to the simple plan on how to destroy it).

    Porn addiction is gone and I understand that all the extreme stuff in porn were only arousing me because of how desensitised I was. I needed a shock. And the shock of the extreme endgame porn addiction stuff like gangbangs ect was a huge factor in my HOCD and extreme porn addiction. I mean, I was at the point where I was imagining myself in being in the centre of these extreme scenarios, and I would even go as far as act them out on myself with objects. But it always made me feel disgusting and I eventually realised how much the porn addiction played a part in all that stuff. My brain wanted a shock, and the scenario of me doing the most extreme shit in porn was the biggest shock of all.

    Thankfully, never done it in real life, so I can sleep soundly knowing I never allowed myself to be degraded because a porn addiction, and HOCD after it, was telling me so. And I understand how HOCD works in the sense that It will flash scenario after scenario without warning as a way to get you to dwell on it, regardless if I can clearly see how stupid and disgusting the scenario is.

    My penis sensitivity has sky rocketed. Originally, masturbating with didn't feel good and I just ended up using it as an excuse to death grip safer. But now I am extremely sensitive to lube and I masturbate as gentle as possible, and it feels incredible. I try to masturbate once a week, but sometimes it's a bit more, but honestly that's okay for me. As long as HOCD is gone and I'm 1000% confident that I can achieve an erection when with a girl, I don't care how much I masturbate. And doing it gently with lube is a million times better than death gripping dry to porn.

    However, the final thing that I am still trying to achieve is being able to fantasise properly. Sometimes, due to my pornographic past, I tend to still flash the porn acts into my mind without building them up with mental foreplay. If that makes sense. Imagining a girl sucking me off isn't considered pornography if its done in the right way. But if you jump straight to that part without any build up, its just like clicking that new video or new picture to get that jolt. Sometimes whenever I jump straight to the porn act, my brain focuses on the porn act. So if I think about a girl sucking a d**k, my brain will think about the porn act of sucking a d**k, not the girl sucking MY d**k. I mean when we watch porn, I can imagine that the ACT of the girl sucking a d**k was the real shock factor there. When I was in my porn addiction, I didn't imagine that the girl was sucking MY d**K, I would just wank to the idea of her doing the act. And its not like i'm going to think about the amazing pleasure the random guy on the other end was feeling.

    I believe that HOCD is responsible for this but I also believe it is due to me essentially shocking myself with thinking about a girl doing a pornographic act, instead of building it up in a realistic way. When I build the thoughts up and allow my arousal to get attached to what I am fantasising about, my thoughts and feelings are flawless. So it's clear that I just need to wire my thoughts a bit more. Seeing girls in real life makes me feel incredible and it's all natural and realistic feelings. I just need to stop myself from jumping straight to the "extreme part of fantasising" while skipping all the necessary foreplay part that builds up the arousal.

    It's been a crazy 2 year journey with alot of ups and downs but I think I'm finally in the endgame of endgames. I'm talking a matter of weeks and I can officially say I am healed. And thats when the real fun starts. Long post but hopefully some people get some inspiration from all of this if you too are suffering from any of the above issues. Cheers all!

    TLDR; Essentially beat HOCD, extreme porn, death grip, and now I'm working on wiring myself to 100% realistic fantasy without jumping straight to the "porn act" part.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2021
  2. albertcole123

    albertcole123 Fapstronaut

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    Very good work friend, although a warning: don't get overconfident. when you feel like you've won is when the urges can creep up on you. I would stay cautious and make sure to maintain good habits. I'm very happy you've made such good progress.
     
  3. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Don't worry man, I'm way past that stage of overconfidence. But I am staying vigilant and making sure that my healing is solidified. For me , masturbation isn't a failure but if I were to do it 3 times a day every day, then I obviously would stop it and hold back. Porn on the other hand is gone, and the few times that I have gone back to it over the last 6 months showed me how pointless it is. It's taken 2 years but I'm finally almost free from all of this!
     
    k.harinandan likes this.
  4. k.harinandan

    k.harinandan Fapstronaut

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    great post i ever read and a inspiring story, i allready know u sir but i dont know ur succes story but its a huge succes, and i am wishing that i too be there in that position like u.
     
    iwontfail67 likes this.
  5. KevinK

    KevinK Fapstronaut

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    Great story but let me ask you something did you ever watch homosexual porn (lesbian or gay) and when you had HOCD did your OCD manifest only in porn or in everyday life as well (groinal response whenever around guys or homosexual stuff etc)?
     
  6. Divine By Design

    Divine By Design Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what to say except huge congratulations. I often see people post here asking whether they are too far gone to ever be rid from the symptoms of their porn-addictions (PIED, HOCD, fetishes etc.). It's great to see that you've had such success in your recovery and that you don't suffer from this anymore.
     
  7. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    My hocd manifested into every day life, and it made me feel incredible fear and doubt. But as soon as I made a habit of disregarding all of these anxiety fixations, groinel respones, ect, then they essentially went away. I always noticed that as soon as I managed to remove the anxiety from a trigger, whether that be an image, person, or response, that trigger would no longer attack me, and it would suddenly look very stupid to me. There were times where I would stare at certain images of guys for hours directing heaps of anxiety onto them and telling me brain that this image is worth my fear, but as soon as i stopped, clicked out of the image, and disregarded it, the image no longer seemed relevant to me.

    And I only watched gay porn in a sort of self hatred forced type of way. Never actually liked or responded to anything in it, just sort of forced myself to watch it as a way to create this huge shock in my brain. Would feel disgusted with myself during this, and would feel pathetic afterwards.
     
  8. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man! I'm 95% cured so I still get the occaisional OCD spike that tells me to "focus on this, or fear this, or dwell on this", but I just disregard it now and don't argue with the mind, because I simply know it isn't true and dwelling will only increase the anxiety over something irrational. But i'm close to perfection. I can taste it.
     
  9. KevinK

    KevinK Fapstronaut

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    You would stare for hours at pictures of guys because you were doing ERP by yourself, or as part of "testing" yourself? I mean it sounds like your reboot wasn't the only thing that got you out of this mess, right? You did therapy as well?

    Also please describe your groinal response and whether your reboot was hard mode (no masturbation) or soft mode?
     
  10. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Oh definitely I did my own therapy. I used tips from a YouTuber “Ali Greymond” who really taught me how to heal. I managed to pick up on the patterns. I managed to realise that I was forcing myself to stare at images or people that I literally didn’t even have to, but my anxiety would identify them as a threat and I would anxiously stare at them and direct more and more anxiety towards them. I always told myself that regardless of what they look like, there is no such thing as a magic trigger that will suddenly make all of this real, because as soon as all the anxiety disappeared from the trigger, it would be nothing once again.

    But the staring at images turned into a compulsion that I would do to prove to myself that I don’t find any of them attractive, which I didn’t, but the more I did it the more the OCD would use it against me. I highly recommend NOT doing this. My exposures are seeing people in real life, and suddenly seeing images of people when watching tv or scrolling social media. And when I see them, I don’t anxiously focus on them. I just trust the reality of the situation that I simply don’t need to look at them because there’s nothing about them that is worth looking at.

    I did hard mode for 2 70 day and 60 day reboots, but I have been masturbating every couple days and honestly it makes no difference. I don’t masturbate only to increase sensitivity. No masturbation makes ZERO difference in HOCD recovery. No porn is the important one to never do as your OCD will start to focus on things you don’t want to, and that partnered with an extreme porn addiction is a fatal combination.
    But a nofap reboot by itself will never magically make HOCD go away, regardless if porn was the sole reason that it happened. Once you start reinforcing these mental rituals, it’s a brain issue, not a nofap issue. No gap will help your tastes wire back to normal, but OCD will still replay all the things in your mind that scare you. So if you do a thousand day reboot but still get flashes of extreme porn and that makes you feel fear or doubt like “what if I want to do that?”, that’s an OCD issue, not a porn issue. And all you do is disregard it and don’t give it any oxygen.

    It’s a fucked process but it gets better if you do the right things. You’ll begin to notice just how stupid it all is. Feeling forced to anxiously stare at a man compared to naturally being drawn to a women are 2 completely different things, but your HOCD at its peak will try to convince you that it’s the same or even the opposite. Just disregard it, trust your reality and really believe yourself when you can see how stupid it is.

    And my groin response was weird. I never got an erection looking at a man, but I did occasionally get those anxiety twitches down there when I would see something that triggered me. That is just your OCD trying to make the situation more anxiety fuelling. I mean if you got a response down there to a man, you must be gay right??? That’s what it’s trying to make you feel. Just disregard all of it, it’s completely normal for OCD and means nothing.
     
    Playmaker97 likes this.
  11. KevinK

    KevinK Fapstronaut

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    I see. So it wasn't classical ERP that helped you but exposure in the sense of deliberately exposing yourself to triggering material (like that requires deliberation when your OCD is literally about everyone you see lol!) and then shifting your attention back to whatever context you were in before the trigger kicked in, right? Kind of reminds me of Jeffrey Schwartz's 4 steps method. Schwartz is of the opinion that therapy for people with OCD shouldn't have to entail them doing things a normal person wouldn't (like getting your hands dirty and stopping yourself from cleaning them if you have contamination OCD). That being said, exposure (whether controlled or not) remains vital, regardless of what comes next.

    I, for one, know that the groinal response isn't an accurate indicator of sexual preference (whatever else it might indicate) or even gender-specific, because when my HOCD peaked 4 years ago it turned into I(incest)OCD about females, and I swear that's when I started begging my OCD to deescalate back to HOCD because the mind torture with the IOCD was even more unbearable.

    By the way, did you feel like rebooting was slowly making your HOCD less "physical" (less to do with the groinal area and more about general anxiety)? Do you agree that the sexual response in HOCD is stronger when you have a porn addiction that sort of provides a fertile ground for the physical aspect of HOCD?
     
    iwontfail67 likes this.
  12. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Actually no, I found that deliberately exposing myself to triggering things like images or videos or whatever actually made it worse. My exposures are based around real life, or whenever I naturally see something triggering. I dont go looking for it because that is a compulsion. If i see someone in real life say at the gym or on the street that spikes my OCD, then i am in the process of an exposure. I can either respond to that exposure and direct anxiety and further fear to it by staring at it and trying to mentally figure out why it causes me all this anxiety, or i can simply disregard the anxiety spike and essentially disregard the trigger, by not staring at it and treating it like a random person like it is. That way, i'm not directing anxiety to them and i'm showing my brain that this threat response is invalid. And eventually, my brain will realise that i'm not giving in to the compulsions, and the anxiety will dramatically reduce and eliminate that urge to compulsively stare and try and "figure out" the trigger. And don't get this confused with avoiding the trigger. I'm just disregarding. If I look around and happen to look at them, then so be it. But I don't stare at them and direct my sole attention to them, because that just fuels the OCD.

    And now, I can see once again that I'm not actually drawn to these people. If I don't force myself to look at them out of anxiety, then I simply don't care to even acknowledge them, just how it normally is. Now of course OCD will tell me that "Nooo, you NEED to look at them, blah blah", but that is OCD alone. You disregard that. OCD's job is to make the irrational seem as real as possible, even though it always feels like something is wrong with it. It's job is to make you feel doubt of things that you are 1000% naturally certain about. And it will do ANYTHING it can to get your to focus on it and argue with it. But it never actually becomes real, otherwise most people with HOCD would probably realise that they legitimately like the things that the OCD is telling them they do. The fact that once the anxiety goes away, so does the trigger, shows that it is 100% OCD. And not to mention the fact that no matter how "real" OCD makes it feel, it always feels wrong. You just need to understand the patterns of it, how it attacks you and how it makes you feel. How contradicting it is. How its all just one big repetitive cycle.

    And rebooting just made it so I could experience what natural arousal felt like again. I wouldn't get turned on by the extreme pornographic stuff any more and whenever I would go back to porn, I just would have much preferred to use my mind instead. Don't get me wrong, rebooting was a great thing to do as it practically removed daily flashes of extreme porn acts into my head. I had escalated to disgusting degrading thoughts because they were the only things that could shock my brain enough to get that next masturbation out. I would death grip for hours. Rebooting removed all that, and taught me how to masturbate properly, and to expect natural gentle stimulation instead of aggressive death gripping. Porn caused my HOCD, but quitting porn isn't how you get rid of it. It did help, I don't believe you can continue watching porn while trying to cure from HOCD, but masturbating doesn't really matter, especially if you are rewiring your sexual response to more natural things, then I see it as a benefit.
     
    Playmaker97 likes this.
  13. KevinK

    KevinK Fapstronaut

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    The HOCD was mostly a thought at the back of my head for years even with the occasional (vanilla) porn, but when I went hard mode a couple of months ago I started noticing HOCD symptoms on day 25. Come day 28 and I relapsed (only masturbation, no porn) and two days later BOOOOM the HOCD came back with full force like when I first got it years ago.

    Everyone's different, but my HOCD seems to work its way around stimulation. Too much stimulation (like with porn or excessive masturbation) and the HOCD symptoms get worse for a week and then eventually get better (they'd still be there but without making life a living hell). Take away all kinds of stimulation long enough, however, and the HOCD behaves like a stray dog. It's because hard mode is initially making my HOCD worse that I believe I should stick to it. I'm tired of living with a monster even if it's wounded. I want total freedom.
     
  14. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    You'll get there. Im at 95% healed. I still get triggered sometimes, but I know that its an irrational response so i try not to fuel it. I would make a list of all of your compulsions and all of your exposures and really stick to it. Don't do the compulsions and do the exposures. Watch Ali greymonds videos on youtube. She made everything crystal clear for me. And also try and understand how you react in certain situations. When you are triggered do you feel fear or doubt? Do you feel like you NEED to figure this trigger out no matter what? Have you ever felt triggered over something only for it to disappear once your anxiety went away? Do you constantly replay thoughts or scenarios in your head over and over again, despite the fact that last time you did it, it meant nothing to you? Really try and understand the situation you are in and understand they cycle that you are most likely going through.

    The most important thing I can recommend to you is that you should notice what triggers your OCD, and work to expose yourself to it in a non compulsive way. Everytime you get triggered, should be an opportunity to make the HOCD weaker. Every time you get triggered, its a chance to disregard the trigger and make that subconscious fear response to that type of trigger weaker. I would go out and I would HOPE to see things that would trigger me instead of fear them as a way to practice erp. And more and more I would see the same people that usually would give me a huge anxiety HOCD response, and they would get weaker and weaker until they just became a random person once again. The fear and anxiety was gone from them. And of course, new people would pop up and I would get an inital anxiety response, but If i continue to practice disregarding them, eventually they're all the same bland and boring looking people. Thats why, there is no magic trigger. A trigger's potency is determined by how much anxiety you compulsively direct to them. They'll never become real, but you wont be able to stop staring at them, because you've told your brain that "THIS IS A THREAT". And thats what HOCD wants.
     
    Playmaker97 likes this.
  15. Playmaker97

    Playmaker97 Fapstronaut

    "Feeling forced to anxiously stare at a man compared to naturally being drawn to a women are 2 completely different things, but your HOCD at its peak will try to convince you that it’s the same or even the opposite."

    Damn this really explained exactly how I felt, but I was never able to put it so well into words the way you have. This is exactly how it plays out. Thanks for this, it does help to have someone explain my experience so clearly.
     
    iwontfail67 likes this.
  16. Throwawayaccount280

    Throwawayaccount280 Fapstronaut

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    This is a bit late, but you did get false attractions?
     
  17. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'm in the same situation for 11 months now. I got some submissive desires from porn. I watched all types of porn and I've been aroused by a lot of nonetichal things. All of this made me feel like shit. I even tried to accept that I might be bisexual, it made things even worse. As you said, when I look at a guy now, I don't feel a natural attraction like with a woman, it's just pure anxiety and questioning. It's a living hell.

    As for fantasizing, the only good method that works for me is to imagine having sex with a girl/woman that I know in reality. It's a big turn-on for me, because I know those persons in real life. But since 11 months ago, it's like my attraction to women decreased because of this anxiety, doubt, questioning and fear.
     
  18. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    I've gotten to the point where I know that if I quit porn, and disregard OCD, I will make a full recovery. This bullshit doesn't trick me anymore because after all the shit that has gone through my mind, none of it ever actually came true, none of it ever happens naturally, and none of it ever felt right. Not to mention that this stuff only ever happened when I felt really low, bad about myself. It's like ive trained myself to turn associate negative thoughts with extreme porn so that whenever I feel bad about myself "Lets just turn that bad feeling into porn and allow bad feelings to give you extreme pornographic dopamine". Cos that's a good idea isn't it...

    But yeah, I'll fully recover from this. It's all in your head anyway. None of it is actually rational or real. If you really dedicate yourself to healing, you'll soon realise how the patterns work.
     
    Rebuilder4455 likes this.
  19. Throwawayaccount280

    Throwawayaccount280 Fapstronaut

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    I am getting better I'm learning to disregard my thoughts. I realized that I don't actually want a guy or anything. Porn has skewed my tastes to find guys "attractive". With anxiety on top of that. It didn't help early on.
     

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