Hi. I am 25 years old. I am currently on a 21 day streak. I am doing it to try and help my HOCD. At least I hope it is HOCD. I guess i'll start from the beginning. For the longest time I have believed i am straight. As a kid i would steal my mom's lingerie catalogs and my dad's sport illustrated swimsuit magazines. I would fap. I don't remember how old i was, but i was pretty young. I had crushes. Namely on this asian girl in my class. Anyway i discovered porn sometime in middle school and would fap excessively. It was at that time i learned about homosexuality. I freaked out at the time because up until that i didnt know it was possible. In fact i guess i developed light hocd, cause i worried i was gay. Though i didnt have thoughts or anything i still obssessed and worried. But it eventually died down. During high school i didnt pay much attention to people. Its probably thanks to porn that i didnt bother noticing the girls around me. It was during my last year of high school that i started to get intrusive thoughts. Like when i was talking to my male friends i would get ideas about kissing and other things. I was confused, i would often than internally ask myself if i was gay. I would always say no. I rationalized that the thoughts were product of all the gay stuff i see in media. Since i tend to hold onto things i dont enjoy. I also figured i needed to find a girlfriend, which was difficult do to low libido (i could only get horny for women on the internet) and an anti social attitude. The thoughts continued through my first years of college. They got worse as time went on. I never desired a guy. I remember getting an intrusive thought about a male professor that made me very confused and worried. Than it kicked into overdrive in 2015 when one day i said some actor was handsome and in that moment my confusion took over completely and i was all "why did i say that?" "Am i gay?" "Only a gay guy would say that". For the next month i had severe anxiety. I could not eat sleep use the bathroom. I couldnt look at a guy without freaking out. Things calmed down by next month. Though i was still freaking out and trying to tell myself i am not gay. I learned about hocd and discovered that i had a lot of the symptoms. I am still trying to get a therapist but i probably live in the worst area for mental health help. Does any one think my whole problem could be porn induced? I never have been attracted to a guy in my life. I dont hate gay people, but i hate thinking gay things. The worst part is that i am used to it. Im sicked to death of it. Is it HOCD? I don't want to be gay or bisexual. Whenever i pictured myself with a woman it seemed natural and good. The idea of being with a man is something i shove away in an instant. Is there hope for me? Could NoFap help? I started Nofap (i tried a few years back and failed miserably) this year. I have fapped far less than before. My brain is now giving me ideas about telling people i am gay and i hate it. I don't want to be gay. I believe i am straight and that is what i want to be. At times i feel asexual. Right now i think i am experierncing the flatline. I hate looking at guys, but i feel nothing when i look at girls. Will i get better?