Hey everyone, I know that there are so many threads and posts on the the topic of HOCD (a type of OCD) and that I'm probably not different. But I feel alone, I feel that my story with HOCD or if I was just in denial is different. This is going to be very long, so be fourwarned. First, to give context to what is HOCD. It abbreviation stands for: Homosexual obessive conpolsive disorder (a subtype to the standard OCD). It is when someone of either gender obsesses over their sexuality and can't stop thinkingg about it. I believe that I have this but as the days pass, I doubt that claim. I have never questioned or had evidence to question my sexuality before. Always had extreme attraction to girls, dreamt about them from a young age and got jealous when guys talked to a girl I thought was pretty. I loved school, all aspects of it both academic and physical. I would say I over analyze things. I have always been so confident about my sexuality, I felt comfortable around guys and I got that anxious feeling around girls. But I'm starting to think that my life was a lie. I'm 15 now and I discovered masturbation right after my 15th birthday. At first I loved it, did it once a weekend to the most pretty girls I could think of. The fanatasies were extravagant, exciting, crazy. I discovered porn a month after and started watching it more frequently and masturbating more frequently. Then after 2 months of doing this I had a dream where I saw a friend having sex with a girl I had a crush on. I woke up aroused and thought "Was it because my friend was in my dream!?". I thought about it and said nah, no way. But then it happened again. Same dream. I started getting more doubt. I basically struck this whole problem because of one thoughts. I started doing sexuality quizzes everyday, and my answer would walkways be "straight" but yet I would start to have more instructive thoughts about homosexual expierences. I was scared to be honest, I was scared that my life was a lie, that I would have to view the whole world differently. So I made the biggest mistake of my life. I started checking homosexual porn and straight porn everyday. Masturbating twice a day for maybe a month. I messed my mind up, I cried, I slipped a week of school because I was so scared to be something I never thought of myself before. As I kept doing this I found this website. Tried to do a week off masturbation. Did not work. Now I am feeling that I'm gay. I can only think about men. I convinced myself I don't likke girls. I feel as if I want a romantic relationship with a man. I watch gay porn and it arouses me. I just want my life back. I want to tell everybody who is interested in masturbating And porn one thing. It's dangerous, you can end up like me, something that is so messed up and gone that their is no fix. It's not worth your innocence being taken away. Turning gay is a real thing and it's the saddest thing ever. NoFap is serious, don't masturbate.