HOCD, I can't be helped, it turned me gay

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by BasketballFan11, Dec 25, 2017.

  1. BasketballFan11

    BasketballFan11 Fapstronaut

    Hey everyone, I know that there are so many threads and posts on the the topic of HOCD (a type of OCD) and that I'm probably not different. But I feel alone, I feel that my story with HOCD or if I was just in denial is different. This is going to be very long, so be fourwarned.

    First, to give context to what is HOCD. It abbreviation stands for: Homosexual obessive conpolsive disorder (a subtype to the standard OCD). It is when someone of either gender obsesses over their sexuality and can't stop thinkingg about it. I believe that I have this but as the days pass, I doubt that claim.

    I have never questioned or had evidence to question my sexuality before. Always had extreme attraction to girls, dreamt about them from a young age and got jealous when guys talked to a girl I thought was pretty. I loved school, all aspects of it both academic and physical. I would say I over analyze things. I have always been so confident about my sexuality, I felt comfortable around guys and I got that anxious feeling around girls. But I'm starting to think that my life was a lie.

    I'm 15 now and I discovered masturbation right after my 15th birthday. At first I loved it, did it once a weekend to the most pretty girls I could think of. The fanatasies were extravagant, exciting, crazy. I discovered porn a month after and started watching it more frequently and masturbating more frequently. Then after 2 months of doing this I had a dream where I saw a friend having sex with a girl I had a crush on. I woke up aroused and thought "Was it because my friend was in my dream!?". I thought about it and said nah, no way. But then it happened again. Same dream. I started getting more doubt. I basically struck this whole problem because of one thoughts. I started doing sexuality quizzes everyday, and my answer would walkways be "straight" but yet I would start to have more instructive thoughts about homosexual expierences. I was scared to be honest, I was scared that my life was a lie, that I would have to view the whole world differently. So I made the biggest mistake of my life. I started checking homosexual porn and straight porn everyday. Masturbating twice a day for maybe a month. I messed my mind up, I cried, I slipped a week of school because I was so scared to be something I never thought of myself before. As I kept doing this I found this website. Tried to do a week off masturbation. Did not work. Now I am feeling that I'm gay. I can only think about men. I convinced myself I don't likke girls. I feel as if I want a romantic relationship with a man. I watch gay porn and it arouses me. I just want my life back.

    I want to tell everybody who is interested in masturbating And porn one thing. It's dangerous, you can end up like me, something that is so messed up and gone that their is no fix. It's not worth your innocence being taken away. Turning gay is a real thing and it's the saddest thing ever. NoFap is serious, don't masturbate.
  2. I Am that I Am

    I Am that I Am Fapstronaut

  3. Honestly bro, I don't have the expertise to help you, so to advise you is out of question.

    But, I can only share, what happened with me.

    I was an addict for 21 years (I am on the process of healing now...). For the last five years or even more I have watched 'Trans porn' (it being my favourite genre for the last five years) and 'PMOed' mostly with 'Trans and Shemale porn'.
    As per my knowledge 'Trans porn' is borderline 'Gay porn' and in the honest opinion of a lot people 'it is gay porn'.

    But, I didn't turn gay. I am still 'straight'.

    Are you absolutely sure that you are 'gay' ? I mean you are so young, maybe you will need a bit more time to correctly figure out, what your 'sexuality' is.

    Just my 2 cents btw.
    Roady likes this.
  4. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

    This "gay" mentality thing started when you started watching gay porn, I suggest you get more days under your belt to clear the "brain fog". If after awhile you still have trouble with your sexuality then you need to see psychologist. I never watched gay porn, but I like to watch porn where theres always a guy and a girl, I dont get turned on as much when its a girl playing with herself, but two girls turns me on more than when they are by themselves. Watching porn after so long engrains idealogies into you after awhile, and phsycolgists should usually help you understand it more.
  5. Hi brother ....maybe you can try staying off internet for few weeks...best if you travel somewhere . I think you will know the truth after that.....be strong..you can do it
  6. BasketballFan11

    BasketballFan11 Fapstronaut

    I understand where your coming from, the thing with me is I think my greatest fear is to be something that I'm not. It has gotten better today just because of the mentality I have at the moment. I questioned the realistic things in life that apply to sexuality. The "romantic" or "intimate" side and I just can't see myself with a guy on the sexual level.

    Anyways, I don't enjoy gay porn.. I have always liked straight porn way more and mostly for how nice the girl looks and how her body looks. I appreciate the response
  7. BasketballFan11

    BasketballFan11 Fapstronaut

    I appreciate the response. I think the scariest part was that I could see my self in a relationship with a guy because of the overwhelming and stressful side of HOCD. Now that I've stopped masturbating and watching porn for about a week my morals about relationships are back to normal. There is no chance I could see myself with a guy. I come to realize that if I was actually gay (not homophobic or anything just scared to be something I thought I wasent ) I would not be scared or fear those thoughts. They would occur naturally like they do with girls. The things porn can do though are scary because they can trigger unwanted thoughts
  8. Bingo!! :)
    You know bro....I wanna tell you sth....please read my last post in this forum (it is small)....you will then probably know more on how much of a devil this thing really is....how much can it destoy 'lives'. Nd m not laying the blame on anyone else or anything (not even porn) btw....I AM TO BLAME. Why ? Coz I was always aware....always aware....that it was damaging me (my mind, my body, my emotions, and my 'life energies').
    Still I wasted kind of 20+ years of my life. Ok, lemme paste here my last post (in italics):

    90 Day Challenge (after failing 20,000 times)

    Start date : 30th November 2017, End date : 27th February 2018

    No matter what happens, I will complete this challenge.
    I have failed not 10,000 times but 20,000 times.
    Yes, I have suffered for the last 20 years.
    Yes, I am 37+ , single (always was), without job (worked for 2 months in my entire life....not 2 years...2 months).
    Yes, partly my body and mind has given up.

    But my soul didn't.
    This attempt is for my soul. For my 'being'. For the 'real me'.

    This is my first thread in the 'rebooting section'.

    And bros, I can guarantee you that, I am one of the worst sufferers in this entire forum, if not 'The Worst'.

    And I want to show everybody here and to myself that, if I can succeed, then 'goddamn anybody in the whole wide world' can overcome this addiction.

    So, my attempt is also dedicated to everyone who is trying to overcome this addiction.

    Please bear with me. I will try my best not to disappoint you

    Bro, I am 20 years elder to you. And I want you to listen to me. I plead you with my folded hands.
    Don't waste a single moment of your life (forget about hours...n days) with this 'bullshit'. It will devour you and more.
    I am extremely lucky even to be alive. Nd I don't look back anymore.....coz m giving my 100% every moment of my life now.

    Just use your intelligence (you seem to have a lot of that ;).....I wish I had your intelligence when I was 17) and everything will be 'great'. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2017
    Roady likes this.
  9. sakeen

    sakeen Fapstronaut

    Bro, stop watching porn.

    Why are you torturing yourself?

    This obsession with your sexuality started only when you began watching gay porn. You are clearly straight without porn's influence.

    We know porn fucks with the mind in a huge way. Anxiety (from watching something that is not aligned with your values/beliefs/identity) increases arousal, so it is not surprising that you've found yourself getting off to gay porn. You're not gay.

    You sound like a guy who keeps drinking to check if he's an alcoholic.

    Save your life. You're 15. Don't fuck up like the thousands of men in their later years on here and around the world.
    Dagger323 and Deleted Account like this.
  10. Hi @BasketballFan11
    Thanks for sharing your story.
    I can relate to it. I've been afraid for being a gay as well. Caused by using porn.

    Porn is really screwing up your mind, especially for a young dude as you are.
    Porn is evil. Porn can make you do lot of stupid things. It's all about the arousal.
    And because of that strong pleasure-feelings you are intended to believe what you feel. (read that twice please).

    After all: gay porn is just porn. The best thing you can do is stop watching porn and start your recovery.
    Your brain needs lots of rest and fresh air. You need to learn to talk with others, especially about your deep feelings.

    If you click on the link in my signature, you can read my journal. Maybe it can help you.
    Deleted Account and sakeen like this.
  11. BasketballFan11

    BasketballFan11 Fapstronaut

    Thanks man, I appreciate it
    Roady likes this.
  12. BasketballFan11

    BasketballFan11 Fapstronaut

    You're story sounds worse than mine, thanks for the support, we can beat this together
  13. Yes, we absolutely can. No doubt about it.
  14. just fucking stop watching all porn for at least a year. also stop fapping. at the end of the year you will know what your orientation is.

    and also man, orientation is fluid for a lot of people, yes a lot of people who watch gay porn are not gay. they are just attracted to the flesh, the nudity, the scenes of people having sex.

    just relax man, first and foremost you are you. you're just a kid. don't worry. who are you in your deepest soul? in your deepest soul do you feel heterosexual? then you're heterosexual.
  15. User6162

    User6162 Fapstronaut

    I feel horrible for you, i just signed up for pretty much the same reason. Only you're lucky to find this place while you're still so young - be glad for that.

    Don't rush to label yourself. Don't fap for a while, avoid porn - DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP OF "TESTING" YOURSELF, analysing. You don't have to "prove" your straightness by fapping to females - odds are the pressure and anxiety will prevent you from performing and you'll mistake it for "being gay" ( this is why i'm here)

    it's dominated my life for the past 10 years. Don't make the same mistake.

    and thank you... i'm so happy to find out i'm not the only one
  16. Peter Magnanimous

    Peter Magnanimous Fapstronaut

    Actually, it works like this: when you start watching porn, your brain releases a certain amount of dopamine, which is the hormone responsible for happiness. After a certain pmo sessions watching the same, or similar types of video, you become addicted and need a bigger amount of dopamine to feel the same way you felt before, so you start to find new types of porn, and one of them may be gay porn. So, while you watch gay porn, your brain secretes dopamine, so you feel the same pleasure you felt at the beginning with straight porn, but it doesn't mean you're gay, your brain just thinks you are, because you can no longer get pleasure from watching a straight couples. Also, even when you start nofap, you're still low on testosterone. Our body also produces a little bit of estrogen. So, if you are producing no male hormone and a little female hormone, it is obvious that you will act like a woman. Of course, you won't grow boobs or have a high pitched voice, because the amount of progesterone we men produce isn't enough for that, but you will certainly catch male pheromones and actually be attracted to them. It also happened to me. I've been fapping for almost ten years now - started when was 10 yo, I'm almost 20 now. I've always been attracted to women. I was introduced to straight porn by a classmate of mine when I was 12. I started to watch it every now and then, and masturbate daily. But after a while, straight porn stopped being that satisfying, so I started to search for new things. Well, when I was 14, me and some friends of mine had to do some homework, so we picked one of them's house to go do it. At some point, we started watching porn, and one of them put a gay porn video. Like I said before, I always liked women, but somehow I found that hot and it made me horny. So I started watching gay porn. Idk why it made me horny, I found, and still find it creepy and disgusting - of course I respect who likes it, I'm just saying that, as a straight guy, I'd never stick my penis inside other men's butt, and neither have another man's penis inside mine, that is just not my kind of thing - yet I found it so hot and arousing, the way they engaged in sex. Ok, so, after a while, I actually started to check on other guys, to feel attracted to other guys, and to sense their pheromones, and to feel horny around them, and stopped feeling attracted to women. That was because the dopamine and the low testosterone. But, like everything, gay porn became boring and worthless, so I tried to move on to the next topic, and that was zoophilia. Yes, I started watching porn videos with guys or girls having sex with cows, dogs, horses, pigs, snakes et cetera, and, despite being disgusted and abominating zoophilia - because it is very wrong to have sex with a creature who is not able to express its will - I actually found it arousing. No, I didn't start to feel horny around animals, just around guys. And it still happens, because I started nofap two days ago, so my testosterone level is still pretty low and my addiction's still high, but I just know I'm not gay, if I were, I'd know it from the very beginning. Just to be clear, I'm not a homophobe, what I said here is the explaining why some straight guys start to feel attracted to other guys after long periods of time with pmo. No, it doesn't apply to actual gay guys, Idk why they like other men, but they do and I totally respect that. I'm only sharing my own experience, and I know it happens to other guys, and you can be like me, or you can actually be gay, but I guess that, if you were, you would have known it, so it is more likely that those are the effects of porn on your brain.

    Edit: just correcting, I did not stop being attracted to women, I even fell in love with two girls, but I didn't feel any sexual attraction with them, I really loved them. But unfortunately both rejected me. But from now on it's all gonna be different.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
    Clean Plate likes this.
  17. Saylorock

    Saylorock Fapstronaut

    I can't believe how you people think that nofap will change something in your hormonal assets and balance. LOL go study some physiology and endocrinology and don't say random things.
  18. Peter Magnanimous

    Peter Magnanimous Fapstronaut

    Pmo does reduce hormone levels, because when you ejaculate, you use up too much energy, and your body become unstable, and your metabolism goes out of control.

    I have all of low-testosterone symptoms, including fatigue, insomnia, overweight, depression and social insecurity, low hair growth, etc. In the last ten years, the maximum number of days I spent in nofap was 7 days, and after that period, I actually started to feel notice girls, and feel they noticed me, I started to sense their pheromones, which is something that never happens when I'm fapping. I've been on nofap for two days now, and I already feel more energy inside me, because I'm not wasting it. So yes, pmo effects your hormones. But no, that alone can't make a straight guy think he's gay, porn can, because it can fool your brain into thinking that seeing a muscular guy naked is hot, when it isn't. You probably don't have HOCD, but it's horrible, and only who has it knows how it is. I have it, and I'm pretty sure it's because of porn. And I know I'm not gay, because if I were, I would be OK with feeling attracted to other guys. But I'm not OK, I don't feel sexually attracted to a guy, I don't want to have sex with a guy, I don't want to see a guy naked, but my brain keeps giving me gay thoughts. And that is due to porn and fapping.

    I noticed you are on your third day with no porn. That's good, you're doing well so far, but don't let your cravings and urges get over you, if you feel them, fight back. But if you tried not fapping, you'd see what I'm talking about. Yes, I used to think it was all bullshit too, until I experienced it myself.
  19. Saylorock

    Saylorock Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry but everything you're talking about it's absolutely true and real BUT IT DOES NOT RELATE TO HORMONES LEVELS. Trust me, i'm studying this things, it really feels like you're talking about hormones but probably you wouldn't be able to tell me the name of 20 important hormones. Your endocrine system it's a balance between hundreds of hormones, it's not only about testosterone and ALSO it's proved that no orgasm it's not changing drastically the level of this hormone.

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