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HOCD is f**king me up

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by NeimDF, Apr 13, 2021.

  1. NeimDF

    NeimDF Fapstronaut

    Okay, I need to write this here. This is the story of how it popped up.

    I was a happy straight guy, I only liked girls. Before watching porn, I remember searching nude photos of girls on the internet and my heart started to race very fast. I started watching porn at the age of 12 and it was only straight porn. Then I went to lesbian porn, then to transwoman, years after, and occasionally I watched gay porn. Even zoofilia sometimes. Let's say, once every two or three months. But it didn't bother me, really. I knew it was out of curiosity, and I identified as straight. I didn't feel shame of watching gay porn, because I knew I wouldn't do this in real life.

    Okay, now to the second story. I had a friend in highschool, when I was 13-14. Honestly, his appeareance was that of a girl. He had a child voice, long hair, and didn't have hair on his legs. That made me feel weird. I was discovering masturbation at the time, so I masturbated thinking of him one or two times. I had a lot of guy friends in high school and I didn't think like this with anybody. Only with my friend, who had the appeareance of a girl.

    Later on, he changed. We were 17-18 years old, and I didn't feel that weird shit. He was a normal guy with a deep voice. I have never been turned on by him. But because I behaved weird 4-5 years ago, he thought of me as gay. He didn't say it to me, but said to the other classmates. This bothered me, because I didn't identify as gay. But I understood because he noticed this curiosity I felt when I was 13-14. I heard someone calling me gay thinking that I was not there, and I felt very bad, but I didn't really give importance to it, as I KNEW I wasn't gay. I liked women.

    Years pass now. Being 16-17 years old, I was living a happy life, only liking girls. I discovered NoFap and it gave me motivation to start improving myself. I loved getting girls' attention and I still do. I'm 22 years old now, and I haven't fallen in love with a guy NEVER. I fell in love a couple of times, both with girls, and man, it was a very strong feeling.

    Okay, here is how it all started.

    I started to date a girl. She once told me that she questioned her sexuality, and she thought of kissing a girl, hell, maybe giving the circumstances, she would kiss a girl only for fun. I PANICKED. The next day, I started to cry in despair. I'm not even joking. I didn't know why I was so upset. The world didn't end. Maybe it was my insecurity...?

    ...or maybe, I didn't like that she could be bisexual. But why?, I asked. Maybe I unconsciously didn't like the idea of being bisexual myself. And this is where it all started. I looked back at the stories of my friend of 13-14 years, and watching occasionally gay porn, and I felt my stomach crunching. It was horrendous. The thought hasn't ever gone since that moment.

    Ever since, I can't talk with a guy without feeling anxious. I even watched more gay porn, and I panicked because I got an erection. I spent endless hours of searching in forums about HOCD, and questioning myself. I even go to therapy now. Sometimes I even think I'd like to give oral sex to a man, but somehow this thought collides with my identity and I feel this crunch in the stomach again. The thought doesn't feel natural, and doesn't come from a place of calmness, peace and joy. I wouldn't kiss a man in a romantic way, because I don't feel like that. I'm not homophobic, I just want to escape this hell.

    I know it's an OCD thing to do, but I even asked gay friends if they noticed something in me that could make them believe I like boys. They said "no, don't worry too much", in a humorous way, but man. You don't know how FUCKING GREAT I felt.

    Now that I shared my story, I wanted to know if anyone has anything similar. Maybe It will help someone. Thanks for reading!
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2021
    Team rocket 420 likes this.
  2. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

    These $50/hr golden thoughts of therapists - gotta love them! I have to debunk this theory personally - some sexual things do not arouse me.

    Either way, you are certainly going to meet many people around here with a similar "condition". My advice is: embrace your homo-self (if you do actually feel that some part of you might be homosexual) BUT do not give in to it. It will go away with time

    So your "identity" is flexible, malleable and full of doubt. That is normal for many people, in many spheres of life. It's not like you need to wear this "I'm straight" t-shirt out there for all to see anyway. It's a matter of your life choices. You want to marry a woman one day and have kids with her? You'll need to cling to heterosexuality. You don't? Well, then do as you please, and in this case you don't need to treat sex too seriously anyway, do you? In this case you've decided to keep sex merely in the sphere of entertainment options, and what does it really matter whom you entertain yourself with.
  3. Indiahel

    Indiahel Fapstronaut

    Doesn't sound like you're homosexual to me. Still sounds that you're closer to heterosexual than bi.
    I think it's just like your therapist said. You get aroused by anything sexual. You mentioned that you've watched even zoofilia. Maybe you're desensitized to heteroporn and are looking for the next most arousing thing.

    I've had homosexual toughts too, but don't consider myself gay. I've been noticing that once you stop/limit porn these toughts don't appear nearly as much and can stop all together. They are also less arousing. Maybe it would help to abstain from porn for a while and see if it's changes your perspective and your relationship with these toughts.

    But in the end there is nothing wrong with being bisexual. You're still young and will probably learn to know yourself as your brain matures. Even if you're bicurious you should not be ashamed of it and it's not like heterosexuals don't get any homosexual thoughts ever.
    As you learn to know and accept yourself better with time, these bisexual toughts won't have negative affect on you.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2021
    Team rocket 420 and Candun like this.
  4. NeimDF

    NeimDF Fapstronaut

    Thanks for replying!! I do not see myself in a relationship with a man. I only experimented romantic and true sexual attraction towards women. But these thoughts are really annoying me.

    I consider the "oral sex" thing to be a symptom of porn. I was exposed to a lot of oral sex, so I suspect that my brain has associated the penis with pleasure, but it's kind of fucked up. There is something wrong with it.

    Sometimes I forget about it and I see it clear, but sometimes I don't. I don't want to lose my attraction towards girls.
    Team rocket 420 likes this.
  5. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

    I say be a master of your sexuality and harness it for what it does best: starting families and maintaining solid and fruitful relationships with people. If you succeed in this, the occasional urges to get a BJ from a man or anything of this sort shouldn't bother you and will likely disappear as time goes by.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2021
    Team rocket 420 likes this.
  6. NeimDF

    NeimDF Fapstronaut

    I see, you do have a point. I definitely want to make a family with a woman in the future. These homo thoughts are getting better, though. The less I dwell in them, the better.

    Thanks for replying!
    Team rocket 420 and Ekhangel like this.
  7. todolist

    todolist Fapstronaut

    I had a similar experience although it was related to my submissive fantasies and not my sexuality. Basically I Watched a certain type of P for years thinking it was just a little fun that didn't reflect my true self at all, completely separate from who I really was, then BAM. Something in real life mirrored what I was watching and it hit me like a freight train. Trust me, I know what you're going through and it's fucking awful.

    The first step (that took me waaaay too long) is to ACCEPT you have these feelings. That doesn't automatically mean you're gay now, or that you have to come out or that you have been living a lie. Quite the opposite. You have been living a perfectly good heterosexual life up until now. But you DO get these feelings and pretending like you don't or refusing to 'give in' to them is only going to make you feel worse. Blocking out these thoughts makes them stronger and stronger. Ultimately this entire thing is all in your head and the sooner you realize this the sooner you can get better.

    Secondly. So what? - Similar to the first step, accepting the feelings lessens their power over you. You need to really do the complete opposite of what you're doing currently, as hard as that is. So what if you are bi? Who cares? Are you happy with your life in general? Would being bi really be a big deal in your life? That 'worst case scenario' that is running constantly in your head (for me it was becoming a 24/7 slave to a partner) needs to be accepted as a possibility. I know that seems insane, but it really works. When you accept your worst fears as scenarios that would ultimately be fine, they lose all of their power over you. Suddenly you own them and you'll find that you are able to see them as Choices and not inevitabilities. In my case, that terrible fear of being someone’s slave (which was also extremely arousing) would probably be great! Doesn't for a second mean I need or want to do it, in fact every day that passes I want it less and less.

    Lastly, this won't last forever. You will find peace with yourself again. I've been close to suicide with these feelings in the past, but they do pass.

    Best of luck!
    Team rocket 420 and NeimDF like this.
  8. NeimDF

    NeimDF Fapstronaut

    Hey, thanks for replying!

    I know there is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but I've heard that sexuality forms in an early stage of life, and I wasn't ever attracted to men. I think I had this BJ thoughts since I started to care about HOCD and gay porn.

    Ever if I was bisexual, I wouldn't have any problem. I wouldn't consider myself as "bicurious" as I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man. I haven't got any urges to kiss a man. Only these "penis thoughts" that I blame on porn.

    I think you are right. Every person, regardless of their sexual orientation, makes these questions to themseves. Hope this fades away with time.
    Team rocket 420 and Opendoor like this.
  9. NeimDF

    NeimDF Fapstronaut

    Man, you hit the nail on the head. The "choices and inevitabilities" part is on the spot. The thought makes me feel that this is inevitable, that somehow in the future I'm going to have sex with a man, even if I don't want it right now. That I must accept my destiny no matter what. It is fucking horrendous. In fact, I'm convinced that the source of all the anxiety is the feeling of inability to escape from the "destiny" you've created in your head. Even more that the content of the actual thought.

    It seems that your situation is kind of the same, although with another content. Porn creates very strange fantasies in us.
    Team rocket 420 likes this.

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