HOCD = Low Self Esteem in a Nutshell

Hi, I've suffered from HOCD for the past one year, but I've notice things about myself and how this HOCD had its up and downs with me.

You see my life has been a long life stress. Family stress, alcohol, so I had low-self esteem for as long as I can remember. This I would imagine would manifest in what people call OCD. I would obsess over my saliva, walking, heart beat, and recently over my sexuality which has been the worse so far.

I can swear I feel its all connected to self-esteem because when I was with my girlfriend my self-esteem was decent and my HOCD was gone. I felt more masculine about myself, more confident.

When I was by myself my self-esteem was low and HOCD was strong.

basically when it was low I felt I was Homosexual and I would get feeling in my anal hole that would make me fart (non smelly gas which if you examine, would be this weird liquid, sorta like anal lub or something) This is my latest obsession -.- and its driving me insane, still...

When my self-esteem was decent or high I felt Heterosexual and there was no doubt.

I feel to beat this you have to seriously start making changes and get your life back, stop comparing yourself to others, and start building your body and soul.
It been neglected for far too long now.

Years of masturbation to porn does give man isolation, lack of social contact with real women, & high level of self-compare which all adds to the core problem....

WHICH IS...
Low self-esteem.

 

Hey man thank you on your feedback.
Still this feeling would give me obsessional focus on my anal area, and its been distracting me. It probably has something to do with my eating habits, the food I've been consuming lately, I haven't eat all that well, I kinda feel depressed over the constant over-analyzing. And with my recent obsessional thinking, I would automatically indicate that area as something like an anal penetration act, as in my body screaming for it -.- which consumes a person willpower. And somehow when I was with my girlfriend I didn't have this not a single time.
I know that many straight man also don't mind taking anal penetration from their woman, but I was never a fan of anal, not even in porn, to think I was to like that, this thinking over it is a mess.

Overall it gives me worries to my all around orientation, I could honestly accept bisexual, its the lack of having romantic times with a woman, being completely homosexual that triggers me dead inside. And I know something like that is not a good indication, but I do feel like orientation-obsessed right now, with no libido, and a huge empire of thoughts that give me anxiety instead of joy.

 

solid answer hahaha

 

yeah man I can relate just in my case I didn't fantasize anything in my early days. But I masturbated 2 times a day when young and it would all start to female nude pictures, I can remember having urges to do my session just waiting for the next newspaper to arrive every Tousday. Page 7 always had a girls body on it. I would always be active to that, or If I saw a girl doing herself on the TV. I would recognize if i was to put more females side by side, I would escalate faster. If I was to see a man naked, I would skip the picture and just left out my masturbation session for that day or try go find something else, anything, just as long as it is a female. I could recognize handsome face in a male when I saw one, at least I think I can do that now, (not so sure about before), but man bodies just didn't give me any interest to masturbate to. Even today if I was to pick a female picture or male, I would always pick female, not to proof anything, but even before when puberty hit, when I didn't even know about homosexuality, I would pick a chick. But over the years I feel I desensitize myself and my brain got bored of women. Well kinda. I was sex satisfied if that makes any sense, I was in my 27, freaking sake 27 and I finally got my first Girlfriend, I was happy with her, I feel more confident especially when the two of us together alone. Heck I got an erection first time just holding her hand, feeling mutual affection, and feeling how lucky I am to have a beauty like her by my side. Every time I touched her butty I would get one, full one, if I was to kiss her on the lips (light kiss) would give me one full all as long as the setup is proper, not in the city, by ourself. I know I didn't experience ED but my HOCD came back after being away from her (2000km) in this stressful house. And right now Its obsession by the fact that I didn't enjoy my first kiss all that much, same for her, well it was a french also but fuck I wasn't ready for that, it happened as soon as we saw each other and I felt she felt pressure to give me one while I didn't ask for it, that was her first kiss also, (happened on the airport seeing each other first timer after one year of connection online). I felt hella nervous also when my mind just started to say (okay this is it, how do you feel) idk man, I also analyze performance, bad breath, I thinked about it too much, both nervous at that time, this would boost my HOCD right now because many say that enjoying deep kiss (french) is one indication of sexual orientation, but I just want's ready for it. I know when in bed and more excited, I would start kissing her lightly and getting response but it felt right, I would start to feel like more open kissing would do, everything felt right, but just that first french kiss only gave me doubt now, which didn't happen before, I wouldn't doubt anything before while with her, I would just let it pass me in a second.

But i notice something:
I used to have my favorite Pornstars like Catalina Cruz, but the more I stayed away from porn the more I would get to know how fake her tits are and less attractive, I used to watch girls with fake tits the most. Was this just my preference, Idk, all I know is there is nothing better that natural ones in real life (no matter the size) my girl had B and there were best. I know because I could get 100% just nearing to touch my GF's breasts.

 

also even today I don't' get the urge to masturbate if I see a man, I only get an urge if I see a man and a woman together sexually, but mostly pictures of naked or semi naked women, this triggered me to relapse before.
Now that I think about it, never did I had the urge to kiss a male either while my thoughts gave me thinking different, they gave me anxiety instead of pleasure.
I never got an erection thinking of them. Only me and my GF fantasy would do something to me. (But my HOCD give me thinking because you were fantasizing your GF giving you ORAL that must mean you are gay, because it had a dick in it, well my dick). But I also got one thinking of touching her breasts. Heck I can remember this one time fantasizing doing this girl that was just sitting next to us, I would talk in the group but my mind would think of doing her next to that table. I would ask where she works and she worked at the same place I used to work, I would go home fantasizing, and honestly part of me wanted to go back to that working place I left years ago just to see if I see her again and maybe get to know her more etc but while fantasizing her i didn't get an erection.

I didn't feel anxiety back then, fantasizing about it, it all felt right to me. But with HOCD it feels like homosexual thoughts is all I get now, and my first homosexual thoughts started when I was 26 years old, 26, does that even make sense. I was freaked out and my emotional brain gave it meaning. I was obsessed soon afterwards, getting thoughts like my mother having a dick, giving my sister ORAL giving my cat oral, I felt like a real freak of nature. When I was near any sharp pointy object I would avoid because it gave me thinking I want to penetrate myself on it, this could be an important object like edges of the heating place in my own damn room -.- when I was reading things, lines like (pay me) i would read always fast, and read as (gay me) I would think I'm in constant sexual overload. I would never experience erection still.

I lived in nightmare, luckily the family thoughts are minimum right now, and bestially is fully gone also. If this isn't porn intrusive Idk what is. I also had lots of porn flashbacks but now they aren't there as much. I start to feel less interest in porn also.