Hey guys, I’ve been on NoFap for a while and have really been looking for supportive threads to help me combat my fears of being gay. I’ve been masturbating to girls in my imagination, swimsuit/underwear catalogues, and porn ever since I was quite young, about 10-11 and have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I’ve never had an issue with ruminating on being gay at all, I was very comfortable with my sexuality, even after I was sexually assaulted by a closeted gay classmate who chased me around a room while drunk, trying to pull my pants off me and screaming that he wants to fuck me. (I escaped the situation without anything past this and instantly put it out of my mind) Although that happened, I was still very sexually attracted to girls but haven’t had much experience with actual sex or having girls as friends, I lost my virginity in senior year of high school and fucked my girlfriend damn near daily for about 9 months. But after a really messy breakup, my sexual performance was put on blast by my ex and my confidence was nonexistent and I reverted to PMO pretty intensely. This went on for about four years (I’m a senior in college now) and I’ve never gone more than a week without watching porn and masturbating except for three times I hooked up with girls (since the breakup four years ago) and each time I had wicked sexual anxiety and was afraid I wasn’t going to get and maintain an erection, and if I did, I was afraid I wasn’t going to please them. This in turn would kill my erection because I was so anxious about it. I discovered marijuana and for about 8 months straight I was masturbating multiple times daily while high, all the while it was to straight porn, busty lesbians and milfs etc. nothing that has to do with gay sex because it never occurred to me to look. By now you’re probably wondering why the hell I titled this with HOCD and this is where it comes in. I did acid for the first time with a couple friends about 6 months ago, and during my trip I had the thought “what if you were gay?” And that scared me to the core, because I have never even had an inclination to think of a man sexually or have romantic interest ever in my life. But ever since, I have been dominated by this fear and every guy I see I am checking myself to see if I feel any attraction to him and sometimes it just overwhelms my thinking with”remember that time you were sexually assaulted by the gay classmate? Maybe you are supposed to be gay”, “your past with girls doesn’t mean anything because you suck at sex with them” and “isn’t acid the ‘self discovery’ drug?” I fight myself constantly day and night about this, trying to reason with myself but for some reason my fear doesn’t go away and I check myself constantly through imagination and seeing men in person. I’m far too afraid to look at gay porn because I don’t know what will happen. It’d also be good to mention that since my only serious girlfriend dumping me, I’ve had really bad issues with wanting to connect to another girl, I am far too afraid to develop emotions and commitment to one. I don’t have very many friends that are girls, so I don’t know how they think. My self esteem and confidence are gone, even though I’ve heard very many stories of girls thinking I’m very attractive and that they are interested in me. I’m just far too deep in my head and my fears to try to make anything happen out of it. Although all of this is going on, I get very disgusted with myself and feel major anxiety every time I imagine myself or picture myself sexually or romantically involved with a man, I don’t ever get aroused or hard to it but it always seems to come into my head. Be as that is, sometimes I hear a voice that says “accept it, you are gay” and I almost believe it. But then it launches into another battle because that’s not me at all. I have slight homophobia from my past issue with the only gay person I’ve met and I’ve read that if you harbor any fears towards gays that your chance is high of being gay yourself and that really scared me. It may sound stupid and silly to some of you, but from what I’m reading on this forum, it’s a common theme to where guys have actually masturbated to gay porn or other fetishes and O’d to it, where I haven’t. I can appreciate a good-looking man or well-built man but I’ve never felt sexual attraction, just the intense fear that what if I was. My lack of experience and my failures at having good sex in the past, my years of consistently and constantly masturbating, my acid trip and my cyclical mental and physical checks are the basis of my fears. I’m really hoping that some replies, if any, snap me out of my head and this is all some terrible illusion I’ve convinced myself of. The compilation of all of my issues is a thunderous storm in my head that I have rare moments away from. Please friends, if anyone can relate or help me try to make sense of this, I’d be indebted to you.