HOCD? Please help me

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by hiddengem88, Jul 14, 2018.

  1. hiddengem88

    hiddengem88 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    I’ve been on NoFap for a while and have really been looking for supportive threads to help me combat my fears of being gay.

    I’ve been masturbating to girls in my imagination, swimsuit/underwear catalogues, and porn ever since I was quite young, about 10-11 and have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I’ve never had an issue with ruminating on being gay at all, I was very comfortable with my sexuality, even after I was sexually assaulted by a closeted gay classmate who chased me around a room while drunk, trying to pull my pants off me and screaming that he wants to fuck me. (I escaped the situation without anything past this and instantly put it out of my mind)

    Although that happened, I was still very sexually attracted to girls but haven’t had much experience with actual sex or having girls as friends, I lost my virginity in senior year of high school and fucked my girlfriend damn near daily for about 9 months. But after a really messy breakup, my sexual performance was put on blast by my ex and my confidence was nonexistent and I reverted to PMO pretty intensely.

    This went on for about four years (I’m a senior in college now) and I’ve never gone more than a week without watching porn and masturbating except for three times I hooked up with girls (since the breakup four years ago) and each time I had wicked sexual anxiety and was afraid I wasn’t going to get and maintain an erection, and if I did, I was afraid I wasn’t going to please them. This in turn would kill my erection because I was so anxious about it.

    I discovered marijuana and for about 8 months straight I was masturbating multiple times daily while high, all the while it was to straight porn, busty lesbians and milfs etc. nothing that has to do with gay sex because it never occurred to me to look.

    By now you’re probably wondering why the hell I titled this with HOCD and this is where it comes in. I did acid for the first time with a couple friends about 6 months ago, and during my trip I had the thought “what if you were gay?” And that scared me to the core, because I have never even had an inclination to think of a man sexually or have romantic interest ever in my life. But ever since, I have been dominated by this fear and every guy I see I am checking myself to see if I feel any attraction to him and sometimes it just overwhelms my thinking with”remember that time you were sexually assaulted by the gay classmate? Maybe you are supposed to be gay”, “your past with girls doesn’t mean anything because you suck at sex with them” and “isn’t acid the ‘self discovery’ drug?” I fight myself constantly day and night about this, trying to reason with myself but for some reason my fear doesn’t go away and I check myself constantly through imagination and seeing men in person. I’m far too afraid to look at gay porn because I don’t know what will happen.

    It’d also be good to mention that since my only serious girlfriend dumping me, I’ve had really bad issues with wanting to connect to another girl, I am far too afraid to develop emotions and commitment to one. I don’t have very many friends that are girls, so I don’t know how they think. My self esteem and confidence are gone, even though I’ve heard very many stories of girls thinking I’m very attractive and that they are interested in me. I’m just far too deep in my head and my fears to try to make anything happen out of it. Although all of this is going on, I get very disgusted with myself and feel major anxiety every time I imagine myself or picture myself sexually or romantically involved with a man, I don’t ever get aroused or hard to it but it always seems to come into my head. Be as that is, sometimes I hear a voice that says “accept it, you are gay” and I almost believe it. But then it launches into another battle because that’s not me at all. I have slight homophobia from my past issue with the only gay person I’ve met and I’ve read that if you harbor any fears towards gays that your chance is high of being gay yourself and that really scared me.

    It may sound stupid and silly to some of you, but from what I’m reading on this forum, it’s a common theme to where guys have actually masturbated to gay porn or other fetishes and O’d to it, where I haven’t. I can appreciate a good-looking man or well-built man but I’ve never felt sexual attraction, just the intense fear that what if I was. My lack of experience and my failures at having good sex in the past, my years of consistently and constantly masturbating, my acid trip and my cyclical mental and physical checks are the basis of my fears.

    I’m really hoping that some replies, if any, snap me out of my head and this is all some terrible illusion I’ve convinced myself of. The compilation of all of my issues is a thunderous storm in my head that I have rare moments away from.

    Please friends, if anyone can relate or help me try to make sense of this, I’d be indebted to you.
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
  2. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

    I suggest you get out and meet some ladies. You have had one only. You need to meet more. I am not gay or had any issue like yourself but if you don't want to be gay. Well, then don't. Odds are you probably are not. This is my suggestion.
  3. hiddengem88

    hiddengem88 Fapstronaut

    That makes a lot of sense man, thanks for replying.. after a lot more self-reflection I have come to the realization that I am devastatingly afraid of rejection and feeling like I’m not worth it to a girl so I just sit in my own misery. “Idle hands is the devils workshop” is pretty relevant here. Thanks bro
  4. sherif1987

    sherif1987 Fapstronaut

    Absolutely, get out there. The solution to being caught up in our anxieties, thoughts, fears, etc. is to focus on life and get out of our own heads as a result.
  5. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    In my experience, that's something gay people say to intimidate straight people who are being politically incorrect on the subject.

    This is a vicious cycle, that reinforces itself.

    Long story short: You must not attribute importance to the thoughts you might be gay. Just let them float by and do not engage. You don't need to test yourself. It obvious that you are not gay.

    Here is a long article on HOCD. Although yours doesn't seem to come from so much porn, I think the solution is the same.


    Some excerpts below:

    The users' desperation to understand whether their sexual orientation has suddenly changed can lead to constant, compulsive "testing" and other reassurance rituals. As with other varieties of OCD (including non-porn-related HOCD), the testing and searches for reassurance offer temporary relief. Each "test" reinforces the unwanted arousal—either with rewarding relief, or electrifying distress if the test fails. In this way, they reinforce the problematic triggers.
    But there's more going on at a biological level. The stress neurochemical cortisol can also heighten rewarding effects by triggering the release of dopamine. Eventually, brain changes can make someone hyper-responsive to stressful cues. Research confirms that extreme stress and drugs of abuse both increase the strength of related (addiction) brain pathways. Researchers believe cortisol thus plays a pivotal role in reward-related behavioral pathologies.

    The situation is akin to BDSM, where physical pain heightens a person's sexual buzz because of the effects on the brain. In HOCD sufferers, arousal and panic achieve a similar end. Bottom line: Despite intense emotional or physical discomfort, heightened arousal can make a behavior very hard to stop (addictive).

    The HOCD sufferer's brain has learned to obtain part of its reward from its own distress. Worse yet, when the sufferer tries to give up porn, his anxiety will naturally increase for an extended period. Withdrawal raises anxiety in all recovering addicts, fueling powerful cravings for more stimulation quite apart from HOCD concerns.

    For HOCD sufferers this predictable increase in anxiety tends to set off intense spikes (panics about orientation) and frantic "checking," often driving them back into addiction. Indeed, some report that their HOCD fears were trivial until they quit porn.
    As the addicted brain targets the strongest "fix" it can think of: panic+checking+sexual arousal to HOCD-related stimuli, straight feelings seem to evaporate.
    Those recovering report that if they can accept the intrusive HOCD thoughts without distress, they sidestep the neurochemical reinforcement of fear. In addition, they find it helpful to learn to live with uncertainty about their sexual orientation and to avoid all testing and efforts to "figure out the truth." That way they also stop the rewarding reinforcement of fleeting relief and "certainty."

    In other words, the HOCD sufferer needs to work on stopping stop three rewarding habits: Internet porn use, relief seeking and distress.

    One man's self-report

    It's really pretty remarkable. My HOCD has decreased significantly now that I am not constantly signaling to my brain "THESE HOCD THOUGHTS ARE IMPORTANT" by going on the boards and engaging in checking and reassurance. I hadn't read a book in months, but I'm now on my second one since I gave up the boards. My free time at night is now spent either with my girlfriend or reading by the fire. I'm sleeping a lot better
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  6. hiddengem88

    hiddengem88 Fapstronaut

    @Immature and @sherif1987

    I really appreciate the responses and support!

    @Immature i have read the article you’ve provided me and it totally makes all the sense in the world, although I’m a bit intimidated at the long road of recovering from this irrational fear. But it changed my mentality on how to approach it, because I’ve always knew that there was something that needed to be done but I felt like a carpenter showing up to work with no tools in his tool belt. Even so, I am more than willing to grind out the time and do what is necessary to make myself a better man!

    Really appreciate the input fellas!

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