HOCD, what do I do, this?

IchiGin2 · Oct 28, 2017

HOCD started a year and a half ago from bullying at school, even though I've always been insanely attracted to girls. At first nothing halted in my means of watching porn and getting off. But then, excessive porn watching and analyzing began taking its toll. When fantasizing, I always used to imagine myself with a big penis while fucking girls. I always wanted to be sexually dominant and feel as if I had the power. Also, in no offense to the ladies, in porn I liked when the girl could hardly take it, when she was in pain, etc. However, as I constantly obsessed over rather I liked penis and no matter how many times I would say no, it fostered a ridiculous anxiety that I form whenever seeing a big one in porn -- an anxiety that maintains even if I cover it on the screen and just jack off to the girl -- and it's murdered my ability to masturbate. I mean, when it is penis alone as I've done during HOCD checking I actually get turned off as well as gay porn, but when I see a girl taking one instead of the normal masturbation reaction I would've got to it 2 years ago equal to everything else I watch. It doesn't feel like I want to do anything to the penis, but STILL, I don't feel right. I look at girls everyday at school both friends and strangers and about how I would fuck them specifically, but the normal masturbation reaction just doesn't come. When in porn however, if a girl starts taking a big one, even though I love feeling dominance, even though the screen may be covered or focused on the girl, it gives this unnerving anxiety spike in which I can cum, but not anywhere near like normal masturbation. Hell, even when I imagine myself fucking a non-porn girl and I make her say something like "you're so big", the reaction comes again! Also I've checked faces of guys and I've checked muscular guys girls would consider attractive = no. Can't get a thing from that. Normal masturbation to other scenes does occasionally return, and that's usually what gives closure, but everytime I try NoFap I am just so addicted to finding some kind of porn or fantasizing that I always relapse after like 2 days. My bisexual friends have told me I was straight when proposed with this info, I tell myself I am straight, but there is always this obsessive mind eating question about if I am hovering over my conscious at all times. I also know I have very low self confidence. What do you think? What do I do?

IchiGin2 · Oct 28, 2017

I don't know, I feel like I am at the brink of suicide... I just want to experience things as I once did

grandstand 1 · Oct 28, 2017

Hang in there...there are a lot of us with similar issues!

jest · Oct 29, 2017

No worries my friend, your HOCD symptoms are directly related to your P addiction.

Everything you've said is exactly the same everyone else with HOCD has also reported, you have to stay away from P and you need to stop doing your compulsions, the more you feed it the more it'll grow.

The anxiety you get is the number one sign that it's just ocd, everyone has it.
After a while, when you start getting less anxious or you can overcome some of the other symptoms and compulsions, you'll start to obsess as to why you're not getting anxious or fearful any longer - worry not, this is progress.

Whenever you spike, you need to identify the thoughts you're having, tell yourself you have a P addiction and that's what is making you have these intrusive thoughts. Stop obsessing, get on with your life, get distracted and don't engage in PMO habits.

If you need help but can't go to an OCD specialist, I highly recommend looking up testimonies of OCD victims on youtube and then see how they explain what it feels like.

There's also a website named SupportGroups that has an HOCD category.

If you really are suicidal you need to tell someone you trust of what's happening and seek professional help, OCD is no joke but you can beat it with time.

Best of luck and stay strong.

Deleted Account · Oct 29, 2017

Consider getting therapy from someone who specialises in OCD and CBT. It is absolutely beatable, but can be difficult to beat on its own. I had this problem (and, it turned out, several other symptoms of OCD) and probably couldn't have managed without therapy.

I know it's an embarrassing problem, so if you had to discuss with your parents you could just claim general anxiety.

HacKadi · Oct 29, 2017

I dont think you have to worry. POMing in excess, in time, escalate to weird places. I even find my self PMO with transgendered person dominatrix. Stay strong and keep rebooting, the more extreme fetishes will get weaker with time and you will regain arousal for real situations and real women. You have to stay away from porn and even masturbation for a loooong time. To help with that identify your triggers and avoid them (bored with a computer, youtube, facebook, a particular place 8n your house, etc), get bussy and start doing what you want in life, go out with friends, exercise, spent time with your family, read books. Avoiding PMO will add tremendous benefits to your life, its the most important thing you can do right now. Also use de panic button, it helped me a lot.

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HOCD, what do I do, this?

IchiGin2 Fapstronaut

IchiGin2 Fapstronaut

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