HOCD started a year and a half ago from bullying at school, even though I've always been insanely attracted to girls. At first nothing halted in my means of watching porn and getting off. But then, excessive porn watching and analyzing began taking its toll. When fantasizing, I always used to imagine myself with a big penis while fucking girls. I always wanted to be sexually dominant and feel as if I had the power. Also, in no offense to the ladies, in porn I liked when the girl could hardly take it, when she was in pain, etc. However, as I constantly obsessed over rather I liked penis and no matter how many times I would say no, it fostered a ridiculous anxiety that I form whenever seeing a big one in porn -- an anxiety that maintains even if I cover it on the screen and just jack off to the girl -- and it's murdered my ability to masturbate. I mean, when it is penis alone as I've done during HOCD checking I actually get turned off as well as gay porn, but when I see a girl taking one instead of the normal masturbation reaction I would've got to it 2 years ago equal to everything else I watch. It doesn't feel like I want to do anything to the penis, but STILL, I don't feel right. I look at girls everyday at school both friends and strangers and about how I would fuck them specifically, but the normal masturbation reaction just doesn't come. When in porn however, if a girl starts taking a big one, even though I love feeling dominance, even though the screen may be covered or focused on the girl, it gives this unnerving anxiety spike in which I can cum, but not anywhere near like normal masturbation. Hell, even when I imagine myself fucking a non-porn girl and I make her say something like "you're so big", the reaction comes again! Also I've checked faces of guys and I've checked muscular guys girls would consider attractive = no. Can't get a thing from that. Normal masturbation to other scenes does occasionally return, and that's usually what gives closure, but everytime I try NoFap I am just so addicted to finding some kind of porn or fantasizing that I always relapse after like 2 days. My bisexual friends have told me I was straight when proposed with this info, I tell myself I am straight, but there is always this obsessive mind eating question about if I am hovering over my conscious at all times. I also know I have very low self confidence. What do you think? What do I do?