HOCD won't go away.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by hellohello11, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. hellohello11

    hellohello11 New Fapstronaut

    I have been dealing with HOCD thoughts for around 5 or 6 years now.

    I think I know why I started having these thoughts. I do not have much sexual experience due to social anxiety, shyness and depression. In summary I am frustrated. For some reason long ago I started looking at apps like grindr and gay websites and was amazed at how easy it was for gay men to have sex (literally the same hour / day). After this revalation I started having gay thoughts. I fought them but eventually I considered if I was actually bisexual or even gay (even though I never had these thoughts before in 25 years). Long story short... I met up with a man. It all happened very fast and before I knew it we were naked and on his bed. He was giving me oral which felt ok, but I felt incredibly awkward and like something was wrong. Eventually he stopped and wanted me to do the same to him in return... but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't even really want to touch his body... it was very confusing as I had an errection. I apologied and ended up putting my clothes on as quicky as possible and leaving his house. At the time I was slightly scared as he was 6ft+ and over 200 lbs whereas I am 147 lbs...

    I have had other brief experiences with "cottaging" (a slang term in the uk where men meet in toilets...). I had a few hand jobs from men. It was almost like an addiction because it was so easy, but again I could never bring myself to perform acts on these men.

    I haven't had any gay experiences in over a year now. In fact, I haven't had sex with a woman since last June. The problem is I keep having gay thoughts like performing oral on a man. I don't understand as I don't find men attractive when I look at them. Like I say, I met up with some men and felt nothing... so why do I keep having these thoughts?

    I feel very confused. I also feel like long term masturbation has affected my attraction to women as I am not very proactive at finding a girlfriend. However I masturbate almost everyday and keep looking at naked women (for like the past 20 years since I first got a computer). I NEVER EVER look at gay porn as I find it gross. I always look at softcore female models. What the hell?

    I am thinking of going on citalopram as perhaps this is ocd. I feel very messed up in my head and I am worried I am going to go on grindr / websites again and end up in a mans house and in a dangerous situation, or do something I regret.

    I just don't understand. The thoughts keep telling me to kiss and perform oral on a man. I let it play out in my head and try not to resist the thoughts... however when I have met men in real life it feels wrong (when I had sex with a woman last year it felt very natural and there was no shame / wrong feelings).

    How do I kill hocd? I just want to go back to how I was for 25 years before these thoughts.
    EnupDexter likes this.
  2. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

    Hello, my friend. Thank you for sharing your story. We here at NoFap can't offer professional help and most of the things we could say would be things that could work for us personally, since everyone is different. I strongly recommend you seek professional help, since you seem to be having a difficult mental time. " it was very confusing as I had an errection". First of all don't trust your dick for anything. From my PoV your actions seem to be signs of compulsive sexual behaviour more than an expression of your genuine sexual desires. If possible please seek professional help. Wish you all the best.
    Rebooter45674 and FX-05 like this.
  3. ItsYaBoy

    ItsYaBoy Fapstronaut

    id try hardmode for 90 days and after 90 days try having sex with a female once in a while and u will be super attracted females again

    UNSATISFIED Fapstronaut

    I hate to say this but if you couldn't solve it in 5-6 years and you have anxiety about it, I have bad news for you. You are probably gay in denial/closet. Just be whoever you are
    Rebooter45674 likes this.
  5. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

    Not if he has had severe porn addiction. If you don't get crushes over other men desensitization is probably what's at work in you. In short you can become gay in fantasy without being naturally gay. This is what porn will do to you if you let it. It takes over the mind. Any type of OCD and even eating disorders can originate from a porn habit. Why because you completely dysregulate your entire nervous system in favor of excitatory neurotransmitters like dopamine and (nor)adrenaline, and at the expense of calming, soothing, depression fighting neurochemicals like serotonin. In other words you can masturbate away your mental health. Porn is the devil. I've been in your boat. I get what you are saying. The fantasies are the ultimate kick, but when you are confronted with the male pheromones and the male personalities, you just know with every fiber of your body that you aren't gay. The worst thing about porn is that it completely bypasses the brain's neocortex, meaning porn just happens to you and you have no say over how it will affect you. There's a line between fantasy and the real world that you just can't cross, no matter the excitement. It was Dr. Judith Reisman who first referred to this process as erototoxicity. The parts of the brain that control negative emotions/feelings like fear, guilt, anger, shame, are all highly involved in these processes. Obsessions, even over sexual orientation, are actually really logical in the case of advanced porn addiction. Porn can definitely make you think you are gay or becoming gay. If this can't feed obsessions nothing will. You need to reset yourself and learn to rely on feelings of genuine love. If in your heart you know you aren't gay, then you aren't gay. Without love there can be no sex. This lack of loving feelings is what held you back when you were about to perform certain sexual actions on another man. It's what makes you human. Someone who is truly gay will have sex with other men out of love, not out of fantasy rooted in porn, correct? If this sounds like you, you really need to do away with porn and masturbation. Once you are desensitized and your system associates these fantasies with bigger and better orgasms, there's no easy way back to having normal heterosexual fantasies. This sounds pretty messed up and it is. The good news is that you can reboot, but don't expect it to happen in a few months or even a year if you have had a porn habit for years on end. On top of that, withdrawal can get pretty ugly and may even make the mental symptoms worse.


    george53, ivanhoe and EnupDexter like this.
  6. Just let them pass by. Try meditation. It helps I controlling your thoughts and dismissing unwanted ones. You know you like women so stop watching porn and start pursuing women once you've recovered.
  7. Marcelo48

    Marcelo48 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for telling your story, it is not much different from mine to be honest, and after too many years I'm getting better but not 100% right. My advice would be to remove grindr, similar dating apps, etc in order to never look again at that stuff and remeber what have you done in the past. Also Hard Mode NoFap is mandatory, as it is very easy to fall back to those undesired fantasies.
    Best of luck for you man.
    Rebooter45674 likes this.
  8. Has your homosexual fantasizing completely gone away?
  9. Marcelo48

    Marcelo48 Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I also felt this way regarding other men, reclaiming my masculinity has been a very important part of the process.

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