Holy fucking shit I think I hit the surge

God I don't know what to do with myself. I am 8 days in and suddenly just pissed. I even had a really good meditation session and felt really calm. But a few hours later it came back and I am pissed again. It is extremely hard to focus on my school cause I am so god damn angry with it and how it fucking limits me. It makes me want to relapse to get rid of it but I know I can't. I need to get past this and see the other side. The longest I have been is 9 days. Like I don't want to piss people off but when I talk it just sounds angry. I feel like I am just doing stuff to temporary not feel this anger. I am stuck. I feel like it is all unnatural, and is boiling up now because I am trying to return to a state that does not jerk off. I surrender to the universe, god, and gave up myself. I am trying my best to be humble and not want anything. But I am still so fucking pissed. I just wanna smash stuff lol. God this is the shit I have been running away from my whole life. Holy shit if you act on this anger, people would fucking hate you. I don't know, I am just going to fucking go hard on my bike sprint or run or something.

 

Bruh, I been doing that it helps. I like to scream at the top of my loungs lol. Its just, I can't do that when people are home you know. I have been meditating for over a year now and I do not plan on giving it up. I try and do it at least once a day. It is the one thing that has completely changed my life and I have had profound realizations from it. I know that it can spiral things out of control, so I start off basic with just deep breathing. Then if I am ready I go onto subtle focusing(like counting). Then if I am ready to go more I try and hold an image in my mind( I still can not do this part very well). Most I can hold an image is a minute or two. But I have heard if you can go longer you can go into another state of consciousness. I just got back from a bike ride, I plan to do that every morning if until this anger goes away. It really helped. I am not mentally stable enough to channel it into something creative right now. Although I have done it before on a 7 day streak. Thank you, just wondering why would you try not to meditate?

 

Yes, I just went for a bike ride and I do not want to smash stuff anymore. I plan to do that every morning until I can handle the anger better. I have been ignoring exercise the most in my personal growth as I have not really needed it. But with anger in the mix I do now. No, I know what you mean though. Its like the return of an emotion that you have not truly felt in a long time. I was just mad for being alive, my circumstance that I have no control over. You know the shit we go through. It does not just disappear. Its in your consciousness somewhere, now matter how hard you run away from it. That is why people kill themselves and other people. They can't handle the emotions they had been hiding from their whole life. So they take over. And do things that only anger, grief, shame, depression, you name it do. It is a masculine one for sure. Anger enables you to be assertive in the things you value and want. Let's you stand your ground and not get dragged around. And really, its like that like push of inspiration and confidence that can fully convince you to do something. No hesitation. It is confirmation that you are in the right, for that is why the anger is there. But too much makes you feel like you are always right, this naturally leads to frustration, as you can not always be right. Thank you for the support, and I am going to beat this porn bullshit.