Homosexuality and porn addiction

Hey.

I´m a gay man and I have been addicted to porn since I was 18 years of age. Now I´m 26. I started nofap a while back as an experiment. I never thought of myself as addicted to porn until I tried to stop. It came to my attention because of a previous relationship. I had problems with getting hard and sex rarely made me feel satisfied. Aesthetically porn was more pleasing to me. My partner could never live up to my expectations of body image and delusional fantasies. We suffered because of it. So I tried to stop. It went ok the first few months. I had some trouble with anger outbursts, a few relapses and panic attacks but I managed. I was filled with a massive sexual energy I did not know what to do with. It was almost magnetic and guys would approach me more often in public. The attention made me feel confident. Later I cheated on my partner. I was seeking the thrilling experience of meeting someone I did not know and indulge in sexual activities I never felt comfortable doing with my partner. I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but I actually am one. We broke up and I became a sex obsessed monster. I would go on grindr and try to find partners to explore with. I met many people but it always left a mark on my soul. It never turned out as it did in my head. I felt dirty and sometimes violated. What I truly desire is to be with someone who can love me. The bad, the ugly but also the good I have to offer. Porn serves as a pleasant comfort of my fantasies when the world feels heavy and out of place. I´m starting on this path again because the abyss have got hold of me and I have trouble seeing the light. Will be posting more soon. Hope for your support. Wish me luck.
Best regards, Espen.

 

I can relate to that a lot. The compulsive search after something sexually exciting. Then when the act happens its as if my mind exits the body and we become two pieces of meat. I´m hoping for the same results. It feels terribly isolating wanting to fap instead of connecting with another person. Wish you all the best.