Honestly the lowest I've gone

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Paradise445, May 29, 2020.

  1. Paradise445

    Paradise445 Fapstronaut

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    I've gone so low. I've hurt everyone with this. I'm a liar and cheater. I used porn behind my girlfriend's back and I did everything I could to hide it from her. We had such an open and honest relationship. We had built it back up after months and months of effort. And then she found my porn I had been hiding. Almost seven months worth. I had signed up for sites and made all these secret profiles. Everything was built on lies. We were going to be getting engaged soon. We were going to get our own place soon. But then I just had to go back to it. I just had to make accounts. I just had to get back on Reddit. I thought I could say no but the voice in my head said it'd all be fine to hide. It'd all be safe behind new accounts. It never is. It always gets found. It always causes pain.

    I just don't understand it. Why was this stuff created? Why does it exist? How can it? I get the gift of a cute, smart, extremely relatable girlfriend. We get along fantastically. And then this. It's not even the first time I've let porn hurt our relationship. I had done her so wrong, yet she has stayed by my side. And yet once again, we're back to square one. The cheating, the lying, the heartbreak, the sneaking and hiding.. it all has to stop. I just want to be able to say no and fix my life and pray to whoever that my relationship can be saved.
     
  2. Hardcandy

    Hardcandy Fapstronaut

    Oh...

    First of all, stay strong. Is it possible to repair the relationship?

    Maybe she will need a firm act, like an anonymous group with AP in real life?

    I believe many of us here are trying to hide in plain site, including me. However being open about the addiction after many years together is so freaking frightening...

    For me praying helps, but sometimes the urges are so strong that I know that when the 1st opportunity happens I will do it...

    I do not know if anything I have written helps. I just want to tell you, that you are not alone and please do not give up.

    Maybe try to read some success stories of people who have been in a similar place.
     
  3. Paradise445

    Paradise445 Fapstronaut

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    I am hoping the relationship is repairable. I love this girl a lot. I really do. Whether it seems crazy for me to say such a thing in a situation like this, I care about her and I love her.

    I have given up on a lot of solutions we tried to implement for me but I can never hold myself accountable. I always found a way to lie and keep doing what I wanted. Each and every time ended in heartbreak. It's just insane..

    It's insane to me that this stuff can exist. When you do it, you think, "wow how can anyone give this up?" But then it all comes crashing down. Everyone should give it up. It's just not healthy.

    I'm looking into therapy for us and for myself to fix whatever is going on inside of me. I also have a website blocker set up to filter any bad sites I could think to add to the blacklist. If I type one in, it redirects to her Facebook messages so I can either go on that site, or I can tell her about it first.

    I'm just all over the place right now. I appreciate your words and I will definitely look at groups to join and actually commit to it this time. I figure this website is step one. Time to read success stories to give me hope.
     
    foryanandforever and Hardcandy like this.
  4. Hardcandy

    Hardcandy Fapstronaut

    Feel free to write anytime you want. You can DM me.

    I also need to reset a couple of things, especially concerning PM.

    Stay strong and motivated!
     
  5. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    My brother, it seems like you don't need simply NoFap. Try doing a dopamine detox. Google it. It will change your life. I swear.
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  6. Paradise445

    Paradise445 Fapstronaut

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    I looked into the detox and I think that's actually a great idea. I'm already spending today limiting my intake of things and it feels nice. Hopefully I can do a full detox routine soon enough.
     
    pafon55 likes this.
  7. Skiller

    Skiller Fapstronaut

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    Hey mate. Sad to hear about this story. I think it‘s time for you to go all in. You are on the edge of a destroyed relationship, caused by you. You need to be thankful that she stayed, this might be really your last chance to show her, who you really are. If she‘s going to break up, what will happen to you? You will probably fall into a pmo cycle you won‘t be able to escape for a long time. You will realize what you‘ve lost and lose your confidence because you know that you just aren‘t able to control yourself. This could turn into negative thoughts. What will help you in this tough times? Porn! Believe me, to escape this will be extremley hard. This is real, you need to face this know!
    The other opportunity is to turn your life upside down. This will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you‘ve ever done. Deleting this porn accounts, never watch porn again. Spending much less time on social media or whatever you do in the internet or on your phone. I would recommend cold showers aswell. You will hate them, but they‘ll help. If you haven‘t yet started to workout, I would recommend this aswell. Also, it could be different things like jogging, mountain biking, climbing or swimming, it doesn‘t matter. Just find yourself a sport where you can push your limits and face the pain. What will happen next? You‘re going to feel better and happier, because the brain will start to release serotonin, instead of the instant gratification hormone dopamine. Your routine shows you, that you have control about yourself and your mind. This will bring up more selfconfidence. Your girlfriend won‘t be able to handle your energy, your new „you“. The real „you“ which was hidden beneath the addictional behavoiur. Believe me, this aren‘t things I read, or claim to happen because I am a fan of superpowers. I experienced those by myself and I love them!
    Now it‘s your decision. Take the zombie-like way, the easy way. Always a good feeling after the releasing orgasm. Or do you want to push your limits and experience behaviour you didn‘t even think, they could exist? Imagine watching a sunset next to your girlfriend and be able to think „I did it! I fucking did it!“ This feeling will be awesome.
    Take you situation serious. You have just one life, is it worth it to waste it for porn? Don‘t give porn a chance! This industry already crushed so many people like you. Overcome this addiction and become able to help others like I am doing right now. Fight hard for your dreams and your girlfriend. Give it all. If you need recommendations or advices in hard times, I will be there for you, just text me.
     
    Branchman likes this.
  8. Paradise445

    Paradise445 Fapstronaut

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    It is time for me to go all in. You're right. It's honestly never gotten so bad, and I left it go unchecked for way too long. It makes me sick to know I could even be capable of causing it, but I also have to accept that it was me. I was the one at the helm, sailing the ship into these dark waters. I'm fighting urges bad and the tunnel is dark, but I know there's light somewhere. If I lay down, I succumb to the darkness. I succumb to porn and its influence.

    I have deleted so many accounts. Ones that I knew off and ones I remembered way later. Deleted. Gone. My social media apps are uninstalled and I don't take my phone anywhere like the bathroom or into the shower. I keep it in one spot so I'm not tempted to idly spend time browsing anything.

    I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pray that I can have that moment at the sunset with my girlfriend, shouting out how amazing it feels to be free from this curse. It is purely a curse. An abomination. Thank you for your words, I am grateful for them.
     
  9. Branchman

    Branchman Fapstronaut

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