hope to be had

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by starrieeyes, Dec 26, 2017.

  1. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    he says all the right things, i can't help but wonder if he says them to just say them or if he really means it. i hope he really means it. i hope he doesn't really want to lose me. hope to be had... right?

    i've always said, "never expect, always hope", that way you're never truly disappointed. well, that's my logic anyway.

    i just want him to take his own steps. he knows the steps, it's just taking the initial one... once that happens, he's unstoppable... how do i get him to take this first step?!?! i don't want to have to "parent" him about it... it's his recovery, well, ours, but his mostly... is that wrong?

    anyway, maybe i should just start a journal thread... thoughts... sigh...
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  2. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    Hope is one of your superpowers. It is okay to have expectations, like him taking that first step. Try your best to encourage and support him. The first step has to be his own, but if he says he is ready to take it and hasn’t, let him know he isn’t entirely being honest with you. The honesty is key, as any great relationship is built on a foundation of friendship and trust that comes from being honest with each other.

    You are correct in thinking you shouldn’t parent him, nagging isn’t going to help. I think it is certainly reasonable to ask if he’s taken that first step. The hardest part is not coming across as pestering, but more inquisitive. Did he have a chance to do it yet? How can you help him take that first step? Would it help to set aside the time to do it, and is there something you can do for him to free up that time? Let him know it is important to you, and just as important to the both of you to take that first step. It sounds like to you don’t expect perfection, but tell him that you do need him to make the effort. You have needs to, and the relationship cannot continue to grow with those being met.

    I hope it helps.
     
    starrieeyes likes this.
  3. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    so absolutely enlightening. thank you so much for your words. so he asked me to be on his ass about this stuff, but when i am, he gets upset even though he asked me to keep on him... i'm just trying to avoid any conflict with this... he doesn't have great memory... once he's in RC land, nothing else matters... how do i continue with the inquisitiveness without sounding like a naggy bitch? lol.
     
  4. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    My questions in my initial reply were an attempt to tell you what to ask. There is a technique called the “soft start up” that the Gottman institute coined (the first few hits on google discuss it). So it’s not so much what you say or ask, but how you say it. You have to be conscious of your tone, and inflection.

    Take those questions I posed earlier and just by changing a few words they could sound like nagging: why haven’t you taken that first step? Do you want me to do it for you? When are you going to do it?

    Hopefully your history is incite into how he responds best to questions. Generally I think being inquisitive rather than accusatory is the right way to look at it. Try be helpful rather than a broken record. You may have to find yourself to me more assertive though, especially when dealing with the addict riddled mind. If he has time for RC cars, he can probably spend some of it on his recovery. Although maybe the RC cars is part of that new hobby he is doing that helps break the PMO habit. Although there is a grey line where it may just be another form of escapism. So certainly tread lightly and carefully.
     
  5. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    i saw the questions in your initial reply, i have asked these questions in this way. i don't get much from him, but one word answers or "i don't know." i wasn't disregarding your suggestions, i apologize if it seemed so. his time spent on RC cars is getting pretty intense... it's also bringing out his anger more... maybe that's because his brain is missing that "one" thing? he did say one morning when i sent him some links that he didn't realize how many things are triggers for him. i tried to get more info, but he got defensive and didn't want a conversation about it. he's ashamed about it. i asked him what i can do to help... he said get rid of the tv and we'd have to move to the woods or something. i didn't know how bad it was... now i worry about everything we watch... i have asked him while watching a show if certain things are triggers and he tells me no, but i wonder if it's not a trigger cause i'm there with him. now i'm just rambling. sorry.
     
  6. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I didn’t feel disregarded, so I’m sorry if I came across harshly. We all have much to learn, so don’t apologize for asking questions. I hope you found value in the clarification and looking into the soft start up. You may find the same value in the Gottman book: “seven principles of making marriage work”. It sounds obvious to me that the two of you are having a communication problem, and the book is designed to help with that, as well as fostering a healthy relationship and techniques required to make it work.

    From his responses it sounds like he trotted out a couple of the four horsemen they mention in that book that can kill a marriage, namely defensiveness, and stonewalling. I definitely fell into this trap for a long time with my SO, and it took a long time before I was ready and able to admit to my problem to her.

    It’s sounds like he is exaggerating, as he’s probably feeling some hopelessness with his response about getting rid of the tv and moving out to the woods. To me it sounds like the RC car stuff is only a distraction and escape. It’s gets his mind off of the problems plaguing you and him, but he’s still procrastinating or ignoring the elephant in the room. More importantly it appears he knows it, even on a subconscious level, which is leading to the despair.

    Perhaps there is other disclosure that he hasn’t told you. I can tell you, The shame and guilt over the actions that PMO can drive one to is very powerful, and creates a viscious cycle. It tears at the heart of a husband that is supposed to be strong and faithful, and wounds their pride when they appear so weak given the temptation. If he doesn’t talk to you and confide in you you can’t begin to really help him. You’ll have to let him know you can be his confidant, his cheerleader, his strength when he is weak, and help to rebuild his pride when it seems like there is nothing left. It sounds there will come a point where there is purge of feelings and disclosures that has yet to happen. You’ll have to prepare yourself to handle it and be willing to share his burden, as you are his strength, his rock, but you can’t take his burden only lift him up when he falls under its crushing weight and lessen the load of his heavy heart.
     
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,440
    143
    I practice the mantra of, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I think that works best when dealing with a PMO addict as well. It is okay to hope, but it is also okay to be realistic and skeptical. It is so hard as an so because you have zero control over his recovery and have to trust him (someone who has already lied) to do the right thing. So we try to gain control and we try to hope. If you are not getting enough from him, tell him that. If you need more than one word answers, tell him that. Look i understand outside of a PMO relationship that some things may consider nagging. But what i have learned is that a wife that her partner perceives as nagging, is almost always just a wife whose husband won’t listen to. Take this scenario wife says “honey please send me a message when you leave the office so I know that you are on the way home.” Husband in his head, that is so stupid, why do i need to send her a message, she’s being unreasonable. Husband does not do it, wife gets upset. Wife explains to husband that she had a good friend killed in an accident and so that’s why she needs to know he is on his way, she is nervous. Husband tunes wife out because all he thinks is that’s dumb, i would not fell that way. Husband does not do it again, wife gets angry. Everytime wife brings it up husband reacts defensively and with anger, why does she keep nagging me? This goes on and on until one day wife up and leaves and husband is clueless. So my friend nagging is really a wife trying to get her point across. In reboot and early recover my option is wives can ask whatever they want, as many times as they want and a man who truly wants to recovery and regain trust willanswer, bottom line.
     
    Jagliana and Jennica like this.

Share This Page