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Horrifying day. Need this shit off my chest.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by newlifeeeee, Sep 2, 2021.

  1. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    How should I start....?
    Im 20 soon to be 21.
    TRIGGER WARNING :dont read if you got unsolved problems with femdom or omegle, or if i depict shit here. Dont wanna make anyone relapse.
    Finally making this post, I'm so sick and tired.
    Laying in this fucking bed in this fucking dirty room with dirty furniture and dirty walls.
    Today, like the usual stuff in the last days, I've been going on Omegle. The chain of hornyness has been reactivated a couple weeks ago . I've put the usual tags : mommy dom, mommy, female dom, trans, transgendered person, ladyboy, dominatrix, edging and i also put nylon for whoever might have that stockings kink or some shit like that. I didn't put femdom, bdsm, mistress or the tags i used to use in the past. recently they've been banned.
    All in all, I found nobody so i can have my fuckin release (its barely an orgasm rn, barely any pleasure, just cumming and a little bit of relief, and maybe a hint of an orgasm).
    So yeah, not succeding on omegle I go on dirtyroulette.
    And... femdom i wanted ? Femdom I found....unfortunately.
    Only this time i found a domme from my own country speaking my native language. Seemed exciting at first but it was awful.
    Idk i followed all her instructions one of which was to fuck a wall. Fucked a wall. My dick still hurts from all of that skin being rubbed n shit.
    I am so fucking ashamed of myself for real for real. i wore panties for this domme this session , yeah at least i did that before for dommes. but the fucked up shit. and i told her i dont wanna do no ass thing. i fucking hate everything about this and maybe myself too. i trully feel like the lowest scum and is so disgusting . i had a small broom in the room and yeah. disgusting. never tought id do that. she asked then to cum n eat it. i came and exited the convo. the post nut "i wanna disappear off this earth" hit. All the questions in my head. Am I really a bitchh. When I'll be with a girl would I ever feel worthy, how can I be a fucking normal human? Am I a scum of the earth bitch? I dont feel like I'm a bitchbl but maybe I am?
    Also. the usual stuff . Of course the paranoia of : what if my face was shown on video, what if she recorded, what if she got my ip and hacks me, what if everybody who knew me saw those fucked up images. The usual sense of paranoia and anxiety wich ofc i already had. Like idk how to explain it but its not just after this session. no no. its almost on all days that i have the usual background anxiety and feeling like a bitch ass loser, feeling like the fucking chewed gum that was spit on the ground and now you have it on the sole of your sneaker. thats my worth. and i feel sometimes that ppl idk subconciously know they stepped in shit when they see me. natural gum if you will haha :( its sad tho. and now feeling like a bitch as well cus i write walls of text and use fucking metaphors.
    This femdom fetish that escalated has been the worst shit in the porn addiction realm that tortured me.
    I remember it started when i was very sick. Ive had something like a bad bad flu but was another virus. Idk if i was sick when i started it or if i was recovering but whatever. I was in highschool anyways, so you have a time frame. I think it was the second time i did 10th grade.
    So anyways it started with me browsing porn to jerk off cus i was in bed idk. But i found those JOI(jerk off instruction) vids and i started watching them. It seemed idk more realist and 'interactive' to me. And then found erotic hypnosis and all that stuff.. and it all went lower and lower. Didnt even know what femdom was before but yh the internet did its job.
    I was sometimes watching fucked up porn before that too but only shit like girls suspended and vibrated with vibrators or big dildos or you know the shit anyways prolly i dont have to tell you.
    First found porn in i think.... maybe 4th grade ...
    Im not rlly sure.
    But i kept it under control.
    but i also remember having little problems with it before. going to bathroom for long fucking times to cum in the 5-8 grade period, feeling a bit of that torture porn inflicts on u. it was all gradual. searching for new and new shit. trying my first omegle times, "who knows maybe i find a girl?", but anyways before femdom i pretty much viewed omegle more or less as a lost cause.
    One time i destroyed the cam of my laptop(post finding femdom). I found out how to use my phone connected trough usb as a webcam...
    I got to the point where i went to seek trans and sissies online to msg them on kik. I dressed up in panties/bras on omegle for dommes.
    Got off when they called me a slut, wore dresses. All the shit i hate.
    But this session today was awful anyways.
    Wish i havent got to this point. Dont even know what to think about myself. Im filled with shame and disgust. Got no contact with friends (if i have any rn), get paranoid super easy. I feel horrible. Act childish. And I wanted to post on nofap for some time. It seems that today I did. I have a problem. I really do. I would want help. I wish i could've talked with my dad about this, but im so ashamed. Rlly wanted to get it off my chest. And also, I have this kinda conspiracy in my head (what if im gay or shit like that). Its awful, again, I say this to you Im quite desperate, dont know what to think of myself, i kinda wanna do boxing in my life , be a fighter, a sportsman, be like those smart ppl that read at least 2 books a month, I wanna be a positve standup guy, full of strength, and also become a real man but idk i feel like a piece of shit. and I dont even workout anymore. and i smoke. I currently am in college studying psychology. barely passed the 1st year.
    Thank you if you read all of this, and if you wanna give me some ideas or some words of support im super thankful.
    And sorry for the bitch ass rant. And for being incoherent and posting a wall of text.
    Have a nice day/night y'all !
    And also, i didnt dump all i had on my chest. idk i feel like i wanna tell everything but its everything i could now.
     
  2. Hey ... I've been to some dark places too. Now that you got it off your chest, which is a good thing to do, and asking for ideas or some words of support ... I am not sure what exactly you expect. More ideas for tags to put? :) Some words of comfort? Words of support like: hey don't be so harsh on yourself, you can make it, etc. Or do you want to quit? And I mean really quit? And need a plan? Accountability?
     
    newlifeeeee and Sargiel like this.
  3. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    Yo man thx for the reply, you formulated your answer very good. No I dont need encouragement or that type of thing :)))). I think i want some ideas... or some advice. I really wanna quit for good. Idk maybe some more experienced guys have a broader perspective on this type of shit. They might have some strategies, some tips&tricks.
     
  4. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    Im sorry if I come across as unserious or something.
     
  5. BrighterFuture

    BrighterFuture Fapstronaut

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    I didn't understand how you reached this point exactly, but you surely have a lot going on, you need to relax my friend, everything is fine, the porn you watch is not the reflection of you in anyway, you're in your core an intelligent person with good intentions, no really, allow yourself breath.

    Don't ask why but I suggest you first clean your dirty room as it seems like it's bothering you more than the actual PMO,

    why you should clean your room.


    Feel free to talk to me about what bothers you at the moment
     
    newlifeeeee likes this.
  6. If you really want to turn your life around and make something better of yourself, it is possible. As the old saw says: "where there's a will, there's a way." But it will take some effort on your part. You need to choose your new lifestyle for yourself. Choosing means more than telling yourself something--it means following up with action.

    The tips linked in my signature may give you a good start, and I agree with the one above who suggested that you begin by cleaning your room. Having a clean room will help you feel better about yourself and will reinforce in your mind the idea of making a fresh start in life. Once it's clean, keep it clean; and let it remind you that your life from now on will be different.
     
    Azzure and newlifeeeee like this.
  7. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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  8. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    the room isnt bothering me as much. its semi clean now anyways, but its some shit on the walls that i cant clean. other than that its pretty arranged. Thanks a lot for the message
     
  9. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    and i get your point about cleaning the room. and also making your bed
     
  10. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    the way this shit got. i have fuckin shitty thoughts of being gay. like a strong fear. watching transgender stuff. nothin against these people. but to me it aint right.
     
  11. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    thanks for your message man
     
  12. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    think it might be hocd. idk.
     
  13. BrighterFuture

    BrighterFuture Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for saying that, but you have every right to be against what doesn't suit your morals..

    Exactly what I would've said 9 months ago don't overthink the feelings you have they're mainly because of PMO, I know they're painfully real; I suffered the same, but as months pass you tend to accept the reality of what's happening you and and then you're able to change what doesn't make sense to you.

    I suggest you start writing you own journal! it really helps.
     
    newlifeeeee likes this.
  14. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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  15. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    what do you mean about the reality of whats happening. what do you think its really happening? i mean for sure, my brain's kinda fried from all the porn so, yeah. you said you suffered the same. that's nice to know ( not nice that u suffered haha but nice that you can share it with fellows). can you give some insights about your journey?
    btw your journal ideea seems pretty nice. I think i'm gonna make something like a combination between a journal and a calendar. and this 9 months term seems pretty strong (congrats to u for healing yourself).
     
    BrighterFuture likes this.
  16. BrighterFuture

    BrighterFuture Fapstronaut

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    do whatever suits you brother, your idea sounds really great, but remember:

    [​IMG]


    Kinda rushed it, sorry I meant to look at what is happening inside of you, look at the changes (in this case your sexual orientation and strange kinks) and think about what caused you to have them, I'm just trying to say, try to notice what is happening from the inside in order to be able to recover and heal from the outside, knowing the root of the problem will strongly help you in finding the right solutions to apply in your own context.

    I understand, alright. so my main motive to join nofap was because I seek change , I'm confused sexually because from around age 10, my Ipad was the main influence at the time, I can't express it with words, but it made me hooked, not on drugs, but to social media, 9 hours a everyday none stop for 7 years have destroyed my normal human interactions, it even made my eyes dry at some point, and at age 14, I've found it, the perfect thing to consume: porn.
    I didn't start with vanilla porn, but let me make myself clear; I'm not bi, gay, homo, pedo, I'm just so disconnected from the world that I can't simply look at a woman and appreciate her or her body, I thought I was a dead man, suicide at some point even seemed like a solution to my problems
    but that was all 2 years ago, now I've become more relaxed with myself and you can tell that by the way I write my journal
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2021
    Spontifex likes this.
  17. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    i feel so ashamed of myself. what did i brought myself to do... just to cum... i feel so absolutely horrible. Please God, forgive me ! I want to get rid of this. I relapsed. for a couple of days...
     
  18. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    please can someone help me
     
  19. No one can make your choices for you. It takes decision, willpower, and stick-to-it-iveness. However, if you're open to it, I believe a powerful resource would be the following free PDF book.

     
    newlifeeeee likes this.
  20. newlifeeeee

    newlifeeeee Fapstronaut

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    thank you for the message.i will try to reead. i am a christian as well
     

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