newlifeeeee
Fapstronaut
How should I start....?
Im 20 soon to be 21.
TRIGGER WARNING :dont read if you got unsolved problems with femdom or omegle, or if i depict shit here. Dont wanna make anyone relapse.
Finally making this post, I'm so sick and tired.
Laying in this fucking bed in this fucking dirty room with dirty furniture and dirty walls.
Today, like the usual stuff in the last days, I've been going on Omegle. The chain of hornyness has been reactivated a couple weeks ago . I've put the usual tags : mommy dom, mommy, female dom, trans, transgendered person, ladyboy, dominatrix, edging and i also put nylon for whoever might have that stockings kink or some shit like that. I didn't put femdom, bdsm, mistress or the tags i used to use in the past. recently they've been banned.
All in all, I found nobody so i can have my fuckin release (its barely an orgasm rn, barely any pleasure, just cumming and a little bit of relief, and maybe a hint of an orgasm).
So yeah, not succeding on omegle I go on dirtyroulette.
And... femdom i wanted ? Femdom I found....unfortunately.
Only this time i found a domme from my own country speaking my native language. Seemed exciting at first but it was awful.
Idk i followed all her instructions one of which was to fuck a wall. Fucked a wall. My dick still hurts from all of that skin being rubbed n shit.
I am so fucking ashamed of myself for real for real. i wore panties for this domme this session , yeah at least i did that before for dommes. but the fucked up shit. and i told her i dont wanna do no ass thing. i fucking hate everything about this and maybe myself too. i trully feel like the lowest scum and is so disgusting . i had a small broom in the room and yeah. disgusting. never tought id do that. she asked then to cum n eat it. i came and exited the convo. the post nut "i wanna disappear off this earth" hit. All the questions in my head. Am I really a bitchh. When I'll be with a girl would I ever feel worthy, how can I be a fucking normal human? Am I a scum of the earth bitch? I dont feel like I'm a bitchbl but maybe I am?
Also. the usual stuff . Of course the paranoia of : what if my face was shown on video, what if she recorded, what if she got my ip and hacks me, what if everybody who knew me saw those fucked up images. The usual sense of paranoia and anxiety wich ofc i already had. Like idk how to explain it but its not just after this session. no no. its almost on all days that i have the usual background anxiety and feeling like a bitch ass loser, feeling like the fucking chewed gum that was spit on the ground and now you have it on the sole of your sneaker. thats my worth. and i feel sometimes that ppl idk subconciously know they stepped in shit when they see me. natural gum if you will haha
its sad tho. and now feeling like a bitch as well cus i write walls of text and use fucking metaphors.
This femdom fetish that escalated has been the worst shit in the porn addiction realm that tortured me.
I remember it started when i was very sick. Ive had something like a bad bad flu but was another virus. Idk if i was sick when i started it or if i was recovering but whatever. I was in highschool anyways, so you have a time frame. I think it was the second time i did 10th grade.
So anyways it started with me browsing porn to jerk off cus i was in bed idk. But i found those JOI(jerk off instruction) vids and i started watching them. It seemed idk more realist and 'interactive' to me. And then found erotic hypnosis and all that stuff.. and it all went lower and lower. Didnt even know what femdom was before but yh the internet did its job.
I was sometimes watching fucked up porn before that too but only shit like girls suspended and vibrated with vibrators or big dildos or you know the shit anyways prolly i dont have to tell you.
First found porn in i think.... maybe 4th grade ...
Im not rlly sure.
But i kept it under control.
but i also remember having little problems with it before. going to bathroom for long fucking times to cum in the 5-8 grade period, feeling a bit of that torture porn inflicts on u. it was all gradual. searching for new and new shit. trying my first omegle times, "who knows maybe i find a girl?", but anyways before femdom i pretty much viewed omegle more or less as a lost cause.
One time i destroyed the cam of my laptop(post finding femdom). I found out how to use my phone connected trough usb as a webcam...
I got to the point where i went to seek trans and sissies online to msg them on kik. I dressed up in panties/bras on omegle for dommes.
Got off when they called me a slut, wore dresses. All the shit i hate.
But this session today was awful anyways.
Wish i havent got to this point. Dont even know what to think about myself. Im filled with shame and disgust. Got no contact with friends (if i have any rn), get paranoid super easy. I feel horrible. Act childish. And I wanted to post on nofap for some time. It seems that today I did. I have a problem. I really do. I would want help. I wish i could've talked with my dad about this, but im so ashamed. Rlly wanted to get it off my chest. And also, I have this kinda conspiracy in my head (what if im gay or shit like that). Its awful, again, I say this to you Im quite desperate, dont know what to think of myself, i kinda wanna do boxing in my life , be a fighter, a sportsman, be like those smart ppl that read at least 2 books a month, I wanna be a positve standup guy, full of strength, and also become a real man but idk i feel like a piece of shit. and I dont even workout anymore. and i smoke. I currently am in college studying psychology. barely passed the 1st year.
Thank you if you read all of this, and if you wanna give me some ideas or some words of support im super thankful.
And sorry for the bitch ass rant. And for being incoherent and posting a wall of text.
Have a nice day/night y'all !
And also, i didnt dump all i had on my chest. idk i feel like i wanna tell everything but its everything i could now.
Im 20 soon to be 21.
TRIGGER WARNING :dont read if you got unsolved problems with femdom or omegle, or if i depict shit here. Dont wanna make anyone relapse.
Finally making this post, I'm so sick and tired.
Laying in this fucking bed in this fucking dirty room with dirty furniture and dirty walls.
Today, like the usual stuff in the last days, I've been going on Omegle. The chain of hornyness has been reactivated a couple weeks ago . I've put the usual tags : mommy dom, mommy, female dom, trans, transgendered person, ladyboy, dominatrix, edging and i also put nylon for whoever might have that stockings kink or some shit like that. I didn't put femdom, bdsm, mistress or the tags i used to use in the past. recently they've been banned.
All in all, I found nobody so i can have my fuckin release (its barely an orgasm rn, barely any pleasure, just cumming and a little bit of relief, and maybe a hint of an orgasm).
So yeah, not succeding on omegle I go on dirtyroulette.
And... femdom i wanted ? Femdom I found....unfortunately.
Only this time i found a domme from my own country speaking my native language. Seemed exciting at first but it was awful.
Idk i followed all her instructions one of which was to fuck a wall. Fucked a wall. My dick still hurts from all of that skin being rubbed n shit.
I am so fucking ashamed of myself for real for real. i wore panties for this domme this session , yeah at least i did that before for dommes. but the fucked up shit. and i told her i dont wanna do no ass thing. i fucking hate everything about this and maybe myself too. i trully feel like the lowest scum and is so disgusting . i had a small broom in the room and yeah. disgusting. never tought id do that. she asked then to cum n eat it. i came and exited the convo. the post nut "i wanna disappear off this earth" hit. All the questions in my head. Am I really a bitchh. When I'll be with a girl would I ever feel worthy, how can I be a fucking normal human? Am I a scum of the earth bitch? I dont feel like I'm a bitchbl but maybe I am?
Also. the usual stuff . Of course the paranoia of : what if my face was shown on video, what if she recorded, what if she got my ip and hacks me, what if everybody who knew me saw those fucked up images. The usual sense of paranoia and anxiety wich ofc i already had. Like idk how to explain it but its not just after this session. no no. its almost on all days that i have the usual background anxiety and feeling like a bitch ass loser, feeling like the fucking chewed gum that was spit on the ground and now you have it on the sole of your sneaker. thats my worth. and i feel sometimes that ppl idk subconciously know they stepped in shit when they see me. natural gum if you will haha
its sad tho. and now feeling like a bitch as well cus i write walls of text and use fucking metaphors.This femdom fetish that escalated has been the worst shit in the porn addiction realm that tortured me.
I remember it started when i was very sick. Ive had something like a bad bad flu but was another virus. Idk if i was sick when i started it or if i was recovering but whatever. I was in highschool anyways, so you have a time frame. I think it was the second time i did 10th grade.
So anyways it started with me browsing porn to jerk off cus i was in bed idk. But i found those JOI(jerk off instruction) vids and i started watching them. It seemed idk more realist and 'interactive' to me. And then found erotic hypnosis and all that stuff.. and it all went lower and lower. Didnt even know what femdom was before but yh the internet did its job.
I was sometimes watching fucked up porn before that too but only shit like girls suspended and vibrated with vibrators or big dildos or you know the shit anyways prolly i dont have to tell you.
First found porn in i think.... maybe 4th grade ...
Im not rlly sure.
But i kept it under control.
but i also remember having little problems with it before. going to bathroom for long fucking times to cum in the 5-8 grade period, feeling a bit of that torture porn inflicts on u. it was all gradual. searching for new and new shit. trying my first omegle times, "who knows maybe i find a girl?", but anyways before femdom i pretty much viewed omegle more or less as a lost cause.
One time i destroyed the cam of my laptop(post finding femdom). I found out how to use my phone connected trough usb as a webcam...
I got to the point where i went to seek trans and sissies online to msg them on kik. I dressed up in panties/bras on omegle for dommes.
Got off when they called me a slut, wore dresses. All the shit i hate.
But this session today was awful anyways.
Wish i havent got to this point. Dont even know what to think about myself. Im filled with shame and disgust. Got no contact with friends (if i have any rn), get paranoid super easy. I feel horrible. Act childish. And I wanted to post on nofap for some time. It seems that today I did. I have a problem. I really do. I would want help. I wish i could've talked with my dad about this, but im so ashamed. Rlly wanted to get it off my chest. And also, I have this kinda conspiracy in my head (what if im gay or shit like that). Its awful, again, I say this to you Im quite desperate, dont know what to think of myself, i kinda wanna do boxing in my life , be a fighter, a sportsman, be like those smart ppl that read at least 2 books a month, I wanna be a positve standup guy, full of strength, and also become a real man but idk i feel like a piece of shit. and I dont even workout anymore. and i smoke. I currently am in college studying psychology. barely passed the 1st year.
Thank you if you read all of this, and if you wanna give me some ideas or some words of support im super thankful.
And sorry for the bitch ass rant. And for being incoherent and posting a wall of text.
Have a nice day/night y'all !
And also, i didnt dump all i had on my chest. idk i feel like i wanna tell everything but its everything i could now.
Some words of comfort? Words of support like: hey don't be so harsh on yourself, you can make it, etc. Or do you want to quit? And I mean really quit? And need a plan? Accountability?
