Hey guys, 28/straight M here, and I have a problem. I apologize in advance for this being rambling and disjointed. It's really embarrassing for me, and I haven't even told my psychiatrist, whom I see weekly. I've always had awful self confidence, and have been a real strikeout with women because I just don't put myself out there enough. Porn has been the insidious factor behind the other excuses. I was a chubby kid with unmedicated ADHD, but I always did pretty well at school when I actually did my work. I got into and graduated from a good university, beat depression, and got my ADHD diagnosed and treated after graduation. I also lost 50 pounds through dieting and exercising. After graduating university, I kind of lost my way. I didn't get into the extremely competitive grad program I wanted, which was only made worse by being in the middle of the Great Recession, so I was competing with 150% of the usual applicants. During this time, my porn usage ramped up- Before this, I would just browse if I was really horny and needed a release, 2-3 times a week, straight, vanilla stuff and stopped watching as soon as I was done. I made accounts on sites and started saving favourites. I also started watching foot fetish porn and gangbangs/bukakke- which in real life I find absolutely disgusting. If you want to use an analogy, I went from bumming cigarettes of friends when drunk to bringing my own pack when I went out drinking (I don't actually drink or smoke, porn is my 1 harmful substance). I then got a full time job on contract- and when my contract wasn't renewed and I was bumped back to a part time retail job, I was shattered. I couldn't move out of my parents' place and made little. I also have phimosis. What kind of girl would want to date a guy who lives at home, can't afford a car, has no money and a fucked up dick? I retreated in my social life, I was so embarrassed about my situation and gave up all attempts to date. I had sex for the first time at the age of 25- a girl I met took me home, and we had an awesome night- she even asked if I wanted to watch porn, and I truly and honestly didn't- I even told her "Why the hell would I want to watch porn when I have you?" It was a rebound for her and we never saw each other again, which was hugely disappointing. My phimosis didn't even seem to bother her. This made my porn addiction get even worse- then, the social aspect started. I started spending time on porn chat rooms to dull the pain. Here, I would masturbate for hours, and talk to people, and engage in mutual masturbation and roleplay. I started watching even sicker shit, like tgirls, fake incest and even scat- blech, why the fuck would anyone want to see that? I'm not really into that- it's the novelty. My standards dropped. I'd jerk off with guys, even obvious catfish. The only things I would not do are expose myself or pay for porn. I found a career, had a couple fits and starts at relationships, moved out into an albeit not great place, got my driver's licence, and finally got going in the right direction. I couldn't shake the porn however, which I used as justification for hiding my misery and to blow off steam while I earned enough money to start dating. I'm getting older and it isn't happening fast enough- I now know the porn is holding me back. Just last month, however, I exposed myself on cam to a "female" masturbation partner, and I have never been so disgusted with myself. I never have paid for it though. I also got a kick out of starting up quasi-relationships with cam models/women exposing themselves, and curtly cutting them off from all the compliments and roleplay over some minor or imaginary slight- I could give them a taste of the rejection I felt, and kick around someone who was lower then me- that's really unhealthy and not the person I am. Just a few weeks ago, a girl asked me out, we hit it off, then she kept delaying our date- I knew that was soft rejection, and I felt really lead on and hurt. To use the analogy again, now I'm smoking 2 packs a day and light one up even with a nicotine patch on, and insisting I only bum them when I'm drunk. I gave up hobbies. I stopped cycling. I gained weight. I lost touch with friends. I don't do anything interesting anymore. It cuts into my work time. I think about porn when I'm not watching it. I spend hours daily on it and I never intend it. I feel like shit when watching it, and it always creeps back into my life. I delete my accounts, but within a month, I'm right back at it. I know it's a cliché, but now I finally see that porn is jerking me around. I need to spend time to make money to do what I really want to do. Have a decent place, and a woman I can cuddle with instead of feeling like shit in a sweaty chair after an orgasm. See friends. Go places. Exercise. I keep booting up porn instead of washing and fixing up my bike for fuck's sake! I just jerked away yet another morning. But this has to be the last. Thank you.