How a relationship changed my porn viewing

First of all sorry if there are any grammar mistakes. It was a little hard for me to write my story down. This is a different story. It's about how a relationship changed my view on porn. I was first exposed to porn when I in grade 8. That was when I got access to the internet. I started off with some stories that went to photos. Then it lead to videos. I now notice that as time passed by the awfulness of the things that I searched for increased. Even during my school time I was not a frequent user of porn. However the little I watched had it's impacts on me. I used to watch porn and masturbate and after it was over I would feel that I ruined my whole day. Productivity wise for me this was a really bad thing.

By this time until recently, I would have have crushes on guys. I would fantasies about them and by fantasies I'm not talking about having thoughts about both of us walking with our hands together. I fantasies about having sex with them.

One day I was ready to go out after a class and a girl I know pushed my away playfully. I bumped into this guy and I looked and said sorry. Then I felt like the whole world stopped for a while. He was a cute guy and I was there like a fool. He said something (I can't remember what he said) and smiled. I took notice of the guy and I was on to him. Time passed and I was determined not to fall for him like I did for the last guy. The bond that I had for the last guy didn't end in a good way for me. He was straight and I had a hopeless crush for him. I was sad and anxious for him. I wouldn't mind much if he was only straight but according to what he boasted about, he has gone to a prostitute and that just shattered my heart. I didn't talk with him for days but I eventually had to because my fantasy relationship with him was only a fantasy and he was a good friend for me. (But he should have listened to me because I was his friend too, I didn't want to see him in a bad place like that).

Then this semester I got to have lectures with this new guy. I got to know him a little closely (but to this day there is a unseen wall between us). I got to be friends with him. After a while I realized that I didn't have any bad thoughts about him. I had them about other guys (except one, but that fantasy relationship didn't go stay long enough) that I had crushes on. Then it clicked to me. I was in deep love with this guy. All the other crushes that I had, they were not crushes, they were sexual cravings and porn had a large part to play in those. In my previous crushes I didn't see my future with those guys. I only wanted them to satisfy my needs. But this guy, I wanted him for my life and it was not to have sex (sex was not even in the equation, not much) but to love, care and protect him. I'm still in love with him and I hope it will be for a good reason.

I'm a non alcoholic and the sheer mentioning or using it or drugs for bad things makes me feel sick about the person or the people who are using it. One day I saw a porn where a guy was drugged before he was used. Then to my mind out of nowhere came the image of the person that I loved. I imagined what I would do if it was him. The amount of gross and filth that I felt was to much I couldn't take it anymore. I closed the browser and searched for ways to get out of that filthy addiction. I found the Fight The New Drug, Fortify, Nofap and The Pink Cross foundation. Now I'm trying to become a better man for my self and the person that I love. I'm trying to gain my fullest potential.

About that guy I love. I still don't know if he is gay or straight. I still don't know if he will love me in this life. Living in a country that don't cater homosexual relationships, I don't know how we could keep up with the society if we loved each other. But I do know one thing. If he loves me before it's too late, I will love him back to my fullest. I really wish to have an open relationship with him and to live a good life together. That's my story. I hope that you will have a good time rebuilding, rebooting your self here and I hope you will have a wonderful future.

P. S. - Advises to make my relationship dreams come true and for personal development are welcome. I posted this before on a wrong forum and deleted it and posted it here.

 

Thank you very much for your kindness and well wishes. They mean a lot to me. I wish that your love and relationship problems will be solved too. I wish that you will have the wisdom and power to solve them. Good luck.

 

Thanks for your kind words and courage, but I'm really, really scared to tell him. If he is not gay and if things didn't work out it would be a mess, but if it does, it would be nice for a change. I live in Sri Lanka. The country is really nice and all, according to what I think is right, we have had a culture where gays (keep aside gays, any innocent living creature) were not harmed because of our religious teachings not to hurt others, but then the Spanish, Portuguese and lastly English with the Victorian empire and it's rules came here and ended that system. I don't necessarily hate them for what they did, but I hope my people will understand that being gay is not that easy and that they would stop treating such issues with negativity.

 

Please help me.
http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...e-how-to-live-without-craving-for-love.63005/