How am I supposed to have sex with him?

Hi,pls can you write me here or pm, if you are msny years serious snd heavy addiction, then you hsve a gf which is really atractive to you,she likes the same things in sex etc,and this -that then something happened (this part which I can't get it )and when she is seding you photos or video you are gonna not enjoy it but looking fir porn etc.. The same you told her i m gonna try abstint so any intimacy between us ,but then you are going spend hours with porn in relapse..but yiu arestillsaying things like "no honey yu are attractive to me etc.Will be really glad for every answer,views. Thank you.

 

Sorry but it is little hard to follow...

 

That's ok, I will try again. When you are heavy addict,more like 15 years and through this you met a girl, you are in relationship with this girl.She is really attractive for you, she likes the same things in sex . Why this is not reason why you stopped watch at porn etc ? Why you need "another women"? Why when your girlfriend send you a hot pics or videos, thats triggers for you to go watch porn ? Why is not just her in your brain, if you really love her and if she is attractive for you?

 

I don't mean to steal the question for @kevinfine but I would like to answer... and look forward to his answer

Firstly while real life relationship can significantly help recovery, it cannot replace a reboot. You both must have gone through an explicit on agreed values in your relationship. Even a full disclosure if that is what you do! And the only way to be sure of recovery from addiction is a hard mode reboot followed by reboot with real life connection.

Secondly, if you haven't read triangular theory of love by Prof Robert J. Sternberg I recommend it. Most love relationships start with lot of passion (infatuation) and progress in to intimate (romance). At some point it transitions in to committed intimacy (companionship) as lasting one. The passion in the beginning drives emotions like possessiveness, obsession, craving, preoccupation, etc. A PA could possibly refrain from porn at that time. But passion is high energy stuff cannot last long. Once passion dies off he might return to porn addiction.

If you are asking about the brain science, my understanding is, when Porn is misused to masturbate and reach orgasm over and over again for thousands of times, there are neural pathways created in brain to associate the rapidly novel graphic pictures to brain chemistry that gives the PA the ultimate sense of well being. The problem is the brain will get desensitized and the degree of rapidity and novelty of the pictures has to increase to achieve the sense of well being (or release if you want to oversimplify it). So it is literally slow poison or something even worse. So your PA will feel fish out of water and will fall in to PMO....

Finally I plead you to understand one thing, porn addiction is a decease. There is no warning about addiction in any of the porn sites, books or videos today. A person without PA in a relationship going to PMO could be termed as character issue (cheating, etc). I get it. But if you fall in love with a PA, please be mindful that this is a decease. And please be thoughtful his brain is already malfunctioning, and cognition including honesty, commitment, etc are brain function. He has to do all that using his malfunctioning brain. At the same time your firm assertive strict stand could be a great motivator. If you break down, feel weak and cry it will make it things way harder. If you don't take offense I will also say it will make you less attractive which doesn't help a PA. If you are going to break down on top of his decease IMHO you are better off to break up the relationship.

note1: I am very opinionated person so please take what you like and disregard the rest.
note2: Please read the brain science of PA, Nofap glossary, Nofap getting started guide
note3: I request you to watch this ted talk How to make stress your friend

 

So just to give you one guys perspective...when a girlfriend sends me nudes its more of an anticipation to see her, and for some reason (to me) it seems weird to ever MO to her pics/vids. Strangers' vids seem less personal id I just want to get that release...I'm never comparing her and honestly would rather not MO to someone who looks like her...would rather be with her and experiment with her...PMO is strictly for a release that I feel I need (which is unnecessary in its own ways).
You need to figure out if you can put this behind you somehow (release the anger towards him) and somehow both of you need to figure out how he can re-establish trustand prove hes willing to constantly improve the relationship. Cause honestly can you be with someone you cant trust.
Also, regarding addiction, I personally don't agree that a former alcoholic will never be able to touch alcohol again. Addiction in my mind is more about gaining and maintaining control and the ability to consistantly resist temptation. (I wish i remembered the awesome books that helped me sculpt this mentality...I think thr free ebook 'the Most Personal Addiction' was one.

I feel like I have had a long struggle over several years with porn and still have my moments, but have gained a ton of confidence, changed in many ways for the better, and re-established control with regards to alcohol and for the most part porn along the way and now have also a healthy enjoyable sex life and improvement on relationships. One did end painfully after 2.5 years but not related to porn, and was overall probably a great personal growth milestone

 

Thank you for all ! I ll be thinking about that and read and watch these posts.There are lot of things which I can not understand , I m just on the start .If I ll stay with him or not, I would like to understand how the porn addiction etc works and I would like deal with some things. Thank you, have a nice evening.

 

I typed a long post and deleted it. A lot could be misunderstood in a text interation....

 

I don't think his recovery prevents you from being sexy or anything else. If the focus is on being present - both physically and emotionally - when you're with him and he is with you, then these acts become the loving exchange between you. It can be difficult at first (I know I had trouble with it), but with practice, paying attention to the current moment and the person you're with, and appreciating them in that moment, becomes easier. It also gets much, much easier when you (or I guess in this case, he) realises that attention and appreciation of the other in the present goes beyond sex. Like way beyond. So far beyond that sex is actually its end point, not the beginning. Offering love, attention, consideration, and appreciation for our partner needs to happen in the little things everyday. And really, it's just showing up and being present.
As a hippie might say, "Live in the now!"

 

@BetrayedMermaid how have things be progressing the last couple weeks? Hope things are improving and that you have been able to connect a bit with some of the other significant others on here. Thank you again for sharing your story

 

Understandable, I can only imagine what itd be like from your position...I'd like to offer you some insight or recommendations, so can offer general thoughts and draw from personal experiences and share some of my views.

I think first, you've expressed some feelings of insecurity, so maybe to a certain extend just try to ignore him, focus on what you enjoy and what drives you, be selfish. He may or may not be out of the picture to his own fault, not yours. Porn is a very personal addiction, I assume most men have partaken in, but it can really take hold of some. Maybe he has struggled with it for awhile, maybe you revealed the addiction to him, but its something only he can fix.

Now the attraction issue: I can only draw on my experience from being cheated on by an ex (however porn is its own form of cheating). The ex got drunk made a bad decision and was very embarrassed and secretive about the incident. I was less mature and very angry, and just cut things off without a reason, but was nice to a point I think it mentally tortured her. She made more terrible choices trying to make me jealous and that insecurity was even less attractive. She admitted her mistakes, but broken or in repair state is not attractive either. It really took a full circle within her finding a new hobby, a competitive spirit and a new sense of confidence for me to respect her again and let the past go. I realize i did nothing to help and though i thought of myself as i nice guy these years, looking back i was a major asshole.
So from this experience, I would say if you want that attraction back he will need to likely rediscover that confidence and show you he is bettering himself for him, not just to appease you. Maybe you could encourage to pursue hobbies or try some new things, but if he is just trying to apologize and make up, the respect may never return.

Apologize if I made any assumptions on where you are at, but reading your story thats where my mind drifted to as a way to empathize.

 

Hello. I've not read the whole conversation, so my apologies if you read this twice. But there's one problem which need to be adressed.
It's somewhat counterintuitive and it's not fair in terms we think about fairness, but you need to stop punishing him for his falls.
Now he is wired to lie to you, because he knows if he fail you'll be mad, you'll not like him, you'll close in your shell etc. etc.
IMHO you need him to be honest with you and open fully. Encourage him to tell you the truth, be supportive even if he does bad stuff.
Of course he made mistakes, he did wrong stuff and its his fault. And he has to do most of the work. Unless he really want to heal himself, there is nothing you can do.
Wish you all the best, mermaid.

 

Ghostwriter, interesting post, thanks! My BF’s CSAT recommended “Out of the Shadows” during his first session. It is a great book! I just ignored the parts suggesting the codependent model for the SO. The accompanying workbook is also excellent for PA’s. My BF has been getting lots of benefit from using it.

 

Yes, there is the codependent model vs. the trauma model (more accurate) for us SO’s. There’s lots on this forum about it if you search, or I can look it up for you tomorrow.